Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

God he is trying so hard. Harder than he has tried before. Give him a break? What more can I do for him? I want to make everything right. I want him to feel more loved then he has before. I want him to be happier than he ever has before. I want him to feel purpose and direction. HOW GOD?!?!?!?! Im willing to give up my money, my car, my time, my job, if I thought it would really help. I want to trade lives with him God, I want the weight lifted off NOW GOD DAMNIT! He can't handle this anymore, I can't handle watching him anymore God. I want him to run back to you God, you are the answers, but God you are so testing of us. Its hard to have faith when nothing is going right, and it feels like you have grown tired of looking after us. Where are you now God? SHOW YOURSELF IN AMAZING WAYS! Let no one in his life be able to deny the great things you will do for him. Take his heart that is beating painfully each day, take his brain that is fried with thoughts of disappointment and no

Non of us had a perfect childhood. No person. We all come out with deformities of the mind. Our perception is never perfect on everything. We all live and learn and some don't learn enough. I have talked to a good friend this week about possibly going to counseling. I view it as a weakness. Which might be a bad perception of the childhood. She said to me "I think we all need counseling. Non of us are perfect, no body knows exactly how to take care of the heart, how to take care of the mind, how to take care of the body, how to take care of one another. Its really not our fault. God helps us with each of these, He helps us even out each weakness we have. To make them stronger. What really is the worst is that the things that happen to us that I feel are never going to be repaired. Like our first real rejection. Our first real big mistake. Our first real dive into wrong decisions. But lets start with our first real love. Call it love. Call it stupidity. It still hurts. Sean, To

So I was at the Bethel prayer chapel last night and wrote this little tid bit about hope. About how if God were to give me nothing else I pray He gives me hope. Hope through it all. Hope that he knows what He is doing. Well then I realized I don't really take him up on that. That if I truely wanted it I need to live it. Well fear is almost opposite of hope right? I live in fear. In great, deep, undeniable fear. Fear of never finding love. Never finding someone that is gonna love me for who I am. Just plain never finding anyone and ending up alone. Its sad to say and unfair to say that any affection shown towards me can be taken sometimes too intensly. I savor it, I want to find more. I don't want to really say its because im a pathetic girl, I think its because im really just scared shitless. Scared shitless that its the last affection I will ever see. I know what your thinking "ok anna, way to be emo" But honestly its something deep in my heart, that throbs, that bur

So many people are too afraid to hurt feelings. Thats how we get lies. And from people who lie, come cowards. My dad has ALWAYS told me not to be a coward. Not to lie. It took me a while to really take this seriously. But now I realize its better to tell the truth. Be honest. If someone gets mad, there is nothing you can do. Now im not gonna sit here and say I am perfect and I never lie. But I have started to appriciate so much those who are straight up with me. Don't tell me something because you think that is what I want to hear. Don't lead me on to believe that you are something that you are clearly not. So next time you look me in the eye, or send me a text telling me something and then you do another, realize that is hurting me more than the truth ever could. I would rather have someone hurt my feelings by telling me the truth than have someone tell me something so I have an expectation of who you are and then get disappointed. Maybe by telling the truth you will never all

I love my job. Its not even like a job. Its playing. But it is no wonder that everyone that you meet in this business looks ten years older than they actually are and are single. I feel like its not a business where you can fall in love. You don't have time. You really don't have time for anyone. And that really sucks for me. My family, friends and relationships are the most important things to me. When someone is suffering and I cant be there it tears me up so bad. All I do is sit on set all day and hurt.

Do you know that feeling of when you are a child and Christmas is the next day? You know the feeling, not being able to go to sleep. Staring at the clock watching the second tick by. Anxiously waiting until you can get up and run and wake up your parents. Shake them awake, drag them to the living room and open your stocking or presents? That deep pounding in your heart. Thats what its like every night I go to sleep when I think about you. I count the seconds. I anxiously await. The deep pounding. Im like a child. You have made me feel the feeling I missed most. You give me a desire that is so much deeper than sexual. The intimacy you allow me to have with you cant be wished by a shooting star. So hold me even though I know your leaving. Kiss me even if it has to be goodbye. Handle me like im gold. Hug me hard till our souls touch. Look at me as if I was the last thing youll ever see. Have me one last time. Stay with me and don't go

You know what I DON'T need. I don't need people acting life their life is SSSOOO perfect because they have JESUS!!! I understand and I think it has been nailed just as hard into our heads as it was into Jesus's hands that we NEED Jesus. And we need to GIVE Him everything. But seriously. God set us out to trust one another. To take friendship and hardache with each other. So when you tell me that everything is perfect and there is nothing you need prayer for.... i don't believe you. No ones life is perfect. You push people away when they strive to know you so they cannot see your mistakes, your mishaps, your hurt. I am a happy person. I am blessed for the things i have. When I write on here I am usually not talking about the happy things because 1st. I don't like to because I feel like I am bragging alot of the time and I don't want that. 2nd. who really talks about the good times. Maybe I should more often? But when I need help im not afriad to ask for it. And

I am usually not a jealous person. AT ALL. I try not to compare myself with other peoples lives or situations because what is the point? Its not gonna make me move closer or onwards towards what I want. Its wasted thoughts. BUT why sweet Jesus. In this beautiful world you have made, with beautiful people..... have you not set one out to seek me. I know that it is all in Gods plan. I know that HE will come "at the right time" I know all that. But I don't understand it. Why do I have to sit here and act happy for everyone finding love and support in another person. To be constantly reminded everyday that I DON'T have someone telling me they think im pretty, or funny, or worth something to them. I will admit that I like the chase. It took me forever to realize that. I just always thought that I would lose interest because they would act different, but it was me that would pick them apart as soon as the possibility happened that they might have interest. (Which trust me w

It would nice to be writing this at my grandmas house instead of the computer right next to my mom. But considering there is no internet at my grandmas house I cannot write it there, and I could not wait to write this any longer. God, This wasn't my plan. I thought this wasn't OUR plan. Im going to be 20 in two months. Most 20 year olds are going to college, or are living on their own. But no God, THIS 20 year old is in Redding. Right where you told me to be. But not only am I living in Redding, I am living at home. God, Why? No, I know the answer to that. But why now? I am on the brink, there is not one person out there that is around my age that doesn't try to prove to themselves their independence, whether it be moving out of their house but still living in the same town, or buying a car and making their own payments, or running away and shutting their phone off and not letting their parents or family where they are and the only way the family can find out is by tracking

I feel like im so alone. I have no one to help me. I have no thoughts to enter my head but only the ones I create. I want some thing, but I want it alone. I am surrounded by people. I am surrounded by words. But I stand alone in thought and life. My problems arent good enough to hear. My struggles aren't worthy enough for help. My thoughts aren't processed enough for discussion. My help is strong enough for difference. So I walk alone. My heart not with me. My feet leading me to what is known to be right. I hear your words of selfishness and pretend to consider. You walk beside me, but your not with me. You volunteer your time with motives. The thing is I give away me, but still see less of you. You cover my scream you pull tears from my eyes you put up hurdles when I run. Look what you are doing to me The worst thing you can do. Nothing. God I need you. I always need you. I don't need you like I usually need you. I don't need you internally, I need you externally. I ne

With eyes red, throat hoarse, muscles strained, brain drained, heart hurting, soul exhausted.... I still try to live every day like it was my last. I live to make people laugh, to see joy in peoples faces, to bring light into a dark situation, to find humor in EVERYTHING. I WANT to make people happy, I want to help, I want to give, I want to root people on, I want to answer questions, I want to find passion in people and show it to them. I want to be Jesus. Life would have been easier if I was Gods daughter, I mean yea yea yea I know Im Gods "Daughter" like we are all His children, but I seriously mean that I was a Savior. Not in the fact that I would want people to worship me, or even KNOW that I was the Messiah, but I want to be able to just touch someone and heal their pain, because right now, the only job I can do.... is to help numb it. But I want to make it go away completely. I know that I wouldn't have been a good Savior for the fact that it took me alot to get to

I breath in your anger, I breath out hope. I breath in your brokenness, I breath out my strength. I breath in your lack of direction, I breath out my compass. I breath in your sickness, I breath out my health. I breath in your scared heart, I breath out my armor. I breath in darkness, I breath out light. I breath in the nothingness you give me, No, the nothingness you gave me. I choked. I try and breath out but its not working. Nothing is coming out. So I sit here, panicking, trying to give myself the heimlich maneuver, someone give me some help here, I am stuck, I cannot breath. You really had me going there for a second, HAD me going. Im glad I can see clearly now, even though I feel as if I cannot breath I can at least know WHY I cannot breath.

So many thoughts are going on, but so many of them are pushed to the back of my mind with fear of actually thinking of them. I have been full of thoughts and not of words. Its been different for people whom are usually around me. I got offered 4 jobs now since I have been in Redding. 2 of them I declined due to distance and not enough pay. But the 2 that I got offered today I am going to take. Not because I am trying to escape something, not because I am trying to set up a life some where else, not because I am running from something, not because I am completely unhappy where I am, because its what God has planned for my life. God might have me in Redding helping the youth right now, but I still have no doubt that my ultimate plan is not here. I haven't givin up on anything. I haven't taken jobs to run away from problems or people. I took it because it is my life. It is what makes my heart beat. LA is where I leave my heart when I leave. I do NOT have plans to move back to la r

Future Husband: I really hope things are hard for you right now like they are hard for me. I hope that you have to watch someone love someone else, but honey its ok, because whoever she is.... isn't me. So I guess experience the feeling and let me heal it later. I hope that when I find you, you will never watch me love another. Because it has to be one of the hardest things to go through. You have to act calm though, like everything is ok and you are rooting for the couple to work out, when really you are dying on the inside just trying to give yourself reasons to keep going. I do want to say this though, I hope that staying pure isn't easy for you, i really do hope its hard. I hope you have girls throwing themselves at you but you make the decision to be the man I want. That you think of me when you are tempted. That you think of the feeling I will receive when you look at me and say "Baby, I saved this for you" Except maybe I don't want you to say "baby&quo

That little tug on your heart pulling you towards something, that little uneasy feeling keeping you from doing something, that little voice in the back of your head that you feel like is telling you to stay, work harder, don't freak out. That is God. It is just but a whisper. But that is God of the universe, speaking... to... YOU. We all know the feeling. Its the "alter call" feeling. When the preacher says "anyone that feels like God is calling them to the alter right now, or is speaking to you to come up to the front and give everything up, come now" We sit so nervous in our seat, we sweat, our hearts beat fast, we look around the room to see if anyone else is going, and then when we finally decide to go, when we decide to surrender, it all goes away, we take a deep breath, because we know that it was meant to be. We know that what God wanted for us at that exact moment. And we leave feeling so much better, weight is GONE from our shoulders. All because we sur

You bring the tears from my eyes. You force the scream from my throat. You bring the shaking of my hands. You make my heart beat. You are the reason I pray. You are the reason I say "no" You are the compass of my direction. You are consuming my thoughts. You are the reason I search. You are what I want. But where are you? Future husband, This ones for you. I think about you constantly. I think about what if you stared into my eyes today? What if you touched my skin? What if we exchanged words? I think about what I want you to be, and I just as much think about what I DON'T want you to be. When your with me, I want ALL of you with me. I want our minds to wrap around each other. I want our hearts to hold each other. I want love to be oozing out of our pours. I want your words to have truth. I hope to know you.

"There hasn't been a minute that has gone by where I don't feel like my better half is missing. Nothings the same without you here, laughing seems empty, smiles are forced, it's as though after experiencing time with you nothing can or will ever compare" A friend wrote me this while I was in LA. I don't even have words. My heart completely goes out to this person, im sorry I went missing. But guess what? I'm back. Do you choose me now? No. But I love you still.

Its not much to do, its not much to see, all I want from you, is your warm feet. Its not much to say, but its alot to feel, when you say I Love You, I wonder if its real. There is no place to run, there is no place to hide, you can keep your distance, but ill never leave your side. To make my knees buckle, it doesn't take much, even if its on accident, I melt for your touch. Im good with directions, I am geographically wise, but I don't know who I am or where to go, when I look into your eyes. Words are not enough, Actions just play a small part, I want you to see my soul, I want you to experience my heart. I want you to have it all, my love that is undefined, but you have to stay with me, cause its gonna take a lifetime.

So yesterday was our first day of shooting "old skool" for vh1. For those of you whom don't know what I am doing in LA I am working as the key makeup artist for the two ladies that are the lead of the show. It is about two older women whom were very well known in their day. Now 72 and 77 they are taking them around to different aspects of our generation and getting their reactions and responses. Yesterday they conducted porn auditions. Several people whom were interested in being in a porn film showed up and "tried out" Trying out includes: Answering numerous questions about experience, what they are willing to do, why they are in it, what they like about it ect. Then they were asked to "stimulate" a piece of fruit such as they would a male or female. (Slices of canalope representing a girl and a banana representing a boy. Then they were asked to strip down naked. Then they were asked to get hard (for the men obviously) Meaning they had to play with th

Anyone who knows me I am totally stoked about getting to have sex when I get married. I mean im not even engaged or anything but still I hold having to have sex up to such a high standard. I know I know, Im really gonna be disappointed when it actually happens because its not that great. But what if im never disappointed? I mean I have never had it, so I really don't know what im missing. Celebate? I have thought day in and day out about what its gonna be like, feel like, smell like, what the lighting is gonna be like, what music I want playing, what location, what position. I mean you name it, i have thought about it. But the more time I spend with a boy, whom is not attracted to me, i think...... Im willing to not have sex for life if that means I get to spend my life with you. Woah woah woah. Wait a min. Is this anna talking here? Yes. When im with him, i don't need sex. I think I have reached the deepest emotional part of me. If he doesn't want it, i won't have it.

God, I want to sit here and tell you that I am not deserving of all the things that you do for me. But whats the point? Its not like you are going to nod your head in agreement. Or say "Youre right, let me think of how I can make things worse" Even though sometimes I feels as if You do that. Life was bad, slowly getting better, soon to be great. I mean working with the simple life producer, having him like me and want to keep me around, valet parking everyday, going clubbing with older ladies just because I do their makeup? I mean its like if you were a painter, You paint something and THEN sell it. But imagine someone just paying you to paint not know what it will look like. That is ME! God, keep it up and I promise I won't be someone you look at and say "Im giving her more than she is worth" I promise to always be worth it.

Fake and empty are on the same level. Empty promises, empty hugs, empty love. I want intimacy without sex I want love without limits. I want to fall into a spider web of love. I want to try and crawl out but only get wrapped up in it more. I want to be spun so tightly that all i can do is give up and be loved. I don't want to lift up couch cushions to try and find it. I don't want treat it like a lotto ticket and hope for the symbols to match up. I feel as if I am walking around blindfolded, in a dark room, that is the size of the united states, and the room is empty. Like a snowflake falls on your nose, will you fall into my arms? Cause without you....... Im without.

I know this is gonna sound super wierd but if you have read my previous blog then you might not understand. In my previous blog I wrote about how I didn't want my heart anymore and that I wanted God to just take it from me and keep it until He finds someone to give it to. Well in a kind of odd way that is how I feel. My heart hasn't been hurting as much. And when things come around that I know would hurt my heart or make me rub my chest because it was sore, its almost as if I look up to the sky and say "Thank you God" cause its not hurting anymore But some thing rather different is happening. I recognize things that would normally make my heart hurt but then come to the realization that its not my heart that hurts anymore. I don't know what it is and I am yet to figure it out. I think to myself "Is it my brain that hurts? Does it hurt because I know people can do better but they don't? And normally when that happens my heart hurts for them but now its my

I should really just give up with people. Maybe that is why my heart hurts, because it has to find its own love. I try and try and try and do my very best to do what I think is going to make people happy, even if that means its in the long run. And I feel like I get hit with a bulldozer when I see them walk, walking straight, in the right path... good..... no no wait Not there Don't think that way Thats not how is gonna be I swear on it Just hang on a little longer please!!! .............. Its over They have made up their mind. There is no use for me anymore I can go away now Thanks for the help that didn't really mean anything But there is the door. The only thing I take with me are tears. Tears for what could have been. Tears for what still can be. But also tears for what will never be. I give up.

I don't feel the need to explain where this blog is coming from. The only thing i would like to say is that this is from my past experience. It has been two years and i still cannot let go. So two years ago he left. Fuck it hurt. Never to say a word to me again. If I would have known what the outcome of everything was. If I would have known that my heart could feel that much pain. If I would have known that I had to watch him live life with others and not me..... I still would have done everything I did. Weird right? And im sure my heart is really pissed at me about that. So..... hes gay. I mean don't get me wrong I didn't know that when I was falling in love. I thought he liked girls. Me. Well ends up he likes ends up. You know that feeling to where you feel like someone is stepping on your chest, and you have something stuck in your throat, and you are shaking and gagging because you are crying so hard. 4 months. At least. Worst pain ever. Not only has he stopped talking

We all know the song. "You're just too good to be true, Cant take my eyes off of you, You'd be like heaven to touch, I wanna hold you so much" In a way this song has become so evident in my life. God is too good to be true. I don't want to take my eyes off of Him. This might sound a tad wierd. But there has been so many times where there is nothing else I scream other than to have God just hold me. And even though I don't physically get held, or rocked I can feel Him. I feel His hands reach inside and hold my heart. I feel my heart get rocked, and its tears get wiped away. Its almost as if I am a babysitter, God has dropped my heart off at daycare. But vision this, I don't look after it, i let it run around and get knocked into things, put its hand on the burner, play in the mud. And then when God comes back to check on it, its hurt, crying, broken. Then I have to say to God "Im so sorry, i don't know what went wrong, Im a bad babysitter. You shou

Its not a literal term. hehe So what I am talking about is staying a virgin. Its hard. Why am I the one that decided to make the choice? So I am gonna write a book of all the difficult times. Possibly sounding like a romance novel but without the sex. Oh yea, you know what that means. Im hella gonna write all the dirties in here. I mean God, im not gonna do it, so IM SURE AS HELL GONNA TALK ABOUT IT. The book is going to be called "Heart of a virgin, mind of a whore" Hold on tight!

I want everyone to know that I am not anti-sex. I just didn't know when I made the promise to stay a virgin till marriage it was gonna be this hard. And im gonna talk about it.