Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Before I go into explaining the way that I feel, I should let you know some things about me. I LOVE WOMEN. Like I love everything about them. I love their gentleness, mixed with their fierceness, sprinkled with their curiousity, and there soft hearts. I love sitting and chatting with them, going shopping with them, working through difficult situations with them, dancing with them, having girls night etc. Having solid friendships with women have been a huge part of my life. I pursue them, encourage them, challenge them, and lay my life down for the women who have done the same for me. Now, lets move onto marriage. My husband, my partner, my love. I cannot imagine life without him, nor do I need to. Bobby is by far one of my favorite people on the planet and I spend most of my time with him. However, since day one, he knew about my deep need for girlfriends. My nights to get dinner and chat, watch the Kardashians for hours, paint toenails (again) and the hour long phone calls/face time.

And as I went to run out the door, find the beach and pretend to give my problems to the wind, He said "it is time to find peace and serenity in your home" So here I am. In an empty, half-way cleaned house wondering, oh why am I here? Not like why am I on this earth, like the teenage questions which have already been answered. But like why am I here? Like sitting in my room, at my desk, without worship music, and yet so unsettled. My thoughts have not been my own lately. Like the devil has some how found a leak in the line that goes straight to my thoughts.  "Anna, throw them out, get rid of them, send them away" and like a boomarang they flew right back. I had a second to breath and feel like my self again but then, boom, back in the battle. The battle for my own thoughts? Crazy. Shes crazy Haven't you heard? Shes crazy. and I am I am so crazy in love with Jesus that any thing that gets in the way of me getting to hear my Fathers thoughts about me DRIVES ME CRA

So it probably wasn't till this last year that I realized how much of a feeler I am. Feeler meaning I can feel energies and people really well. Bobby could wake up in the morning and I could feel if he didn't sleep well, or I always can feel when he is being quietly mad with me. I can feel when people's intentions are not good. Or when someone is bullshiting me, especially selling me something. I always just thought it was normal, but my mom made me realize what a gift it is and not everyone has this gift. Well in coming into better understanding of this gift, I now can begin to understand also why I can get so upset or affected by something that is dark or violent. I have to be careful of what I expose myself to because I can take on the energy or the feeling if I am not being careful. It also explains why I can cry so quickly when I feel someone's pain. Like when someone is crying, crying with them is not super comforting. Like especially when it has nothing t