Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Find beauty in the things that are pure. Like the leaves turning colors. The laughter of a loved one. The giggle of a child. The squeeky meow of a kitten. The joyful energy of a puppy. The smell of homemade cookies. The softness of snow. The smell of rain. The dewy grass in the morning. The tenderness of a hug. The story of an elder. A childs singing voice. The calmness of the wind. The refreshing mountain air. The safety in holding hands. The sparks in a kiss. The encouragement of words. The connection of eyes. The intimacy in being held. The sound of a heartbeat. The beating of the sun. The complexity of human emotions. The gentleness of a butterfly. The venerability of a tear. The security in a prayer. Close your eyes and appreciate real life. Not life that other people made for you. But the life that sits right in front of you. The simple beauty. The beauty that brings true joy. The beauty that will forever be there. Sit down and bask in the gorgeous world. Slow down, be silent, an

I had a friend scream at me the other day "You are not the same person I met, you lost all your passion" I cried. Not about the argument, and who the hell knows what we were arguing about. I cried because I found some truth in what they said. I mean we all aren't the same people as we were before, but that is not what I want to be known as not being the same for. When I am surrounded by the things that make me passionate, I beam. I find joy in every situation, I see hope. But lately I haven't been getting the jobs that make me light up. I mean shit I am looking for just any job right now. I used to get jobs here and there, enough to keep me hanging on. But I have sent out every resume I felt fit for the longest time and no response. I can't understand for the life of me why. Maybe to find passion in something else? I have no clue. But I don't want to be looked at for no longer having passion. I still very much have passion. There just aren't a lot of situa

I have done endless things to help me get over the part of my life that is left un-mended. Still sore to the touch. Like salt on the wound I am reminded by little things. I have gone from writing letters and not sending them, writing letters and burning them, trying to contact via e mail, telephone, myspace and facebook to get closure, and oddly enough, nothing seems to work. I am left unsettled. I need truth. Why did I have to go from this...... To trying to do this..... With no explanation. Im trying. Daily.

So for one week I feel like God has asked me to give up my cell phone, and for the most part tv and internet with exceptions. Let me tell you, I don't want to really admit how lame my life is. I mean on day one I was driving home from French, it was around 9:20pm and I thought to myself "what the heck am I going to do when I get home? Just go to sleep? READ?". It was a sad realization really it was. I mean what kind of life is that. The kind that was distracted by tv and internet. Those things are so meaningless and for the most part don't give me anything to progress. Let me tell you though how hard it has been to give up my phone. I mean that thing is my baby, it didn't let me spend any time alone. There was always something to do if I had my phone... text, internet, facebook, myspace, youtube, games, I mean name it and they have probably created an application for it. Its almost like giving up a friend, something that was always there when you didn't want t

Today was pretty good, got my car all cleaned and waxed and ready to slap a for sale sign on it. I just want to get rid of the curse. Then I get home and have a major headache. Rude. I thought today was going to be all good. But no, i get this headache so major that its all that I can think about, it hurts so bad that it kept me from working out and enjoying things I want to do. So I took some ibuprofen which doesn't really work too well so then had to resort to Norco. I don't care if I never see norco again, i just want these headaches gone. If I no longer get headaches, i no long want norco around me. I understand its highly addictive nature and don't want it around me if it doesn't need to be. At nights I really enjoy going outside with my cranberry juice, sitting under the stars with jojo by my side looking out for me, and smoking a cig either listening to music or talking on the phone to either chels or laurie. But I hate the smoking the cig part, its just nice to

Im worried about myself already that I don't need anyone else worrying. I mean its obvious to me that im sick. Somehow, physically just not keeping together. Insomnia, headaches, back pain, overall soreness, unexplainable tiredness. Im nervous that im really sick. Like with something I don't know. I have to go get my blood test but im nervous. Like really nervous. Sometimes I wish someone just can hold me as I fall asleep just so I know I fell asleep in someones arms. Most the time I scream out to God to hold me, sometimes I feel him, sometimes I don't. I have been feeling so not good lately I wonder if I will just fall asleep and not get up. I mean I want to get up, i have every reason in the world to get up, im 20 and full of passion, but my body is really hurting me. Everyone tells me I need to get out of redding, and I realize that this is not my place to live forever. But the more and more people tell me I NEED to get out, the more irrational I think. The other day I a

I have been having such vivid real dreams lately that is been freaking me out. And its been mostly about the same people every time. Me, Laurie, and Chels. I had a dream that I found out I was 4 months prego. I told the family, they freaked, but then a week later we were all getting ready to go to Hawaii and I was in the bathroom depressed. My mom came in and asked what was the matter and I told her that I wanted to have a miscarriage and I didn't want the baby cause it would ruin my life. Forever. I could never do or be what I wanted, or had set out to be. She told me that I made the decision 4 months ago to risk that and that I should never say that again. No one should ever wish for a miscarriage. Then I had a dream about chels and we were going to san fran and i got a phone call that she was going to get shot if certain people find her, so i wrap her in clothes and make sure she walks with her head down, and even in san fran she had to hide her face and I was constantly looking

Things are so up and down lately. I have had so many bad days, followed with some good days. Which I guess is life right? For some reason when I had a job I didn't want to spend money, but now that I don't have a job or money I am in this permanent shopping craze. Which I need to snap out of quickly or I am really going to get myself in trouble. I just don't know what direction to take right now, and I know that I am certainly not looking at the right source. I mean im kinda happy, but I want that feeling of when I work. I need motivation, drive, passion, but I need to know where to direct it. Right now I feel like im at a dead in, and im waiting for a construction company to come along and pave a road for me. Maybe I need to start paving it myself. I mean one of my favorite sayings is "you don't always need to know where you are going, if you know who you are following" I love that saying. It almost makes you feel like with God on your side you can do no wron

Everyone writes about how they have "Found THAT boy" or "looking for that ONE person" well newflash women. These men aren't looking for you. We can bend it and fold it as much as we want but they are or were the guys we hated, that denied us before. We have simple have just given up. We don't fight anymore to have it be deserved, if one man that seems to have it all together walks into your life you are going to pull down your pants and take it beause you don't want to LOSE this great man. But reality is, that is what we hated about girls all along. Im getting a man who wants me just as bad. So much damn passion. Ripping of the clothing. Its stupid watching your friends walk away cause "that" guy as walked into there life, which are probably going to just waslk RIGHT back out. But you listen to the plans they have, you listen to the stuff they talk about, and you encourage one another in the relationship, you take no offense when they up and le

I find it humorous yet sickening when I watch people left and right settle for less. I mean when they are single they talk about all the things they want in a person and then as soon as ANYONE gives them attention that grasp it like they are never gonna get another chance. They talk themselves into telling themselves they are happy, or whatever and shit. Its just funny watching it happen all the time, and then the majority of the time it ends up being one big messy joke, or they go back and forth for years in this completely not meant to be together effed up relationship. Is it really that important? I mean I understand wanting a boyfriend, or attention, but I guess I have never wanted it enough to settle, like REALLY settle. To have something that I completely don't want. Maybe im actually missing out on something, like forced feelings, or happiness. Maybe there is something there that everyone is actually enjoying and I am sitting back counting down the seconds until one of them

It will take time to get over, but it will happen for me. I deserve well. I am a good person and deserve well. I don't want to be so angry because I do not get what I deserve. Right now, God and I our our only best friend. We know what is best for us and therefor will fight to do what is best for us. I miss us. People tell me to stop worrying that Robert will do to me what Sean did. Not that I feel the same way about them, because I feel so different about Robert than i did about Sean. Sean I felt was actual love. But I do feel like one day Robert will walk away from me like Sean did. I will do something, say something, something will happen and Robert will walk away. I can't help but feel it, I mean he has shut other people out of his life, what makes me so different? So I am getting ready for it. I don't think anyone can actually ever be fully equipped to have someone walk away, but I will try my best? Actually im not going to waste time on it. So when you tell me to s