Don't worry about me
Im worried about myself already that I don't need anyone else worrying.
I mean its obvious to me that im sick. Somehow, physically just not keeping together. Insomnia, headaches, back pain, overall soreness, unexplainable tiredness. Im nervous that im really sick. Like with something I don't know. I have to go get my blood test but im nervous. Like really nervous.
Sometimes I wish someone just can hold me as I fall asleep just so I know I fell asleep in someones arms. Most the time I scream out to God to hold me, sometimes I feel him, sometimes I don't. I have been feeling so not good lately I wonder if I will just fall asleep and not get up. I mean I want to get up, i have every reason in the world to get up, im 20 and full of passion, but my body is really hurting me.
Everyone tells me I need to get out of redding, and I realize that this is not my place to live forever. But the more and more people tell me I NEED to get out, the more irrational I think. The other day I almost packed up my clothes, makeup and money and just left. Staying in my car, showering at the beach, staying with friends I can make on myspace, anything. Doesn't that tell God where my heart is? Isn't that some sort of clue so I can get some help? Cause I need it.
I want to be well enough to run again, that was a great way for me to get stress out. I enjoyed it, whether it was at the gym listening to angry music, or at McConnal foundation listening to whimsical music. It was just a good thing for me and now I don't have that. Why? Why do I not have a way to get out my anger and stress? Why do I have to keep it inside my body and mind in which both I think are fading.
I just want some direction right now. If God wanted to keep me here for longer to show me something, or have me do something, then fine. But I don't know what that is. I just want my passion back, the excitement of my job and making money and progressing.
My dad and I don't really talk anymore. After he lost his temper and physically hurt me I don't have much trust or respect for him. I love my dad, I just wished he loved himself. But its obvious he doesn't. And so lazy, if people look at me as how I look at my dad, i really want to know.
I just want my health to get better. I want to feel ok and not scared of every new symptom i have. I want a long hug, kisses on the ear and head, and told that its ok, and that I will make it. Not only with health, but in life. That if I wanted I could wow the world. Cause thats all I want. Thats not too much to ask right?
Ha.
Right.
I mean its obvious to me that im sick. Somehow, physically just not keeping together. Insomnia, headaches, back pain, overall soreness, unexplainable tiredness. Im nervous that im really sick. Like with something I don't know. I have to go get my blood test but im nervous. Like really nervous.
Sometimes I wish someone just can hold me as I fall asleep just so I know I fell asleep in someones arms. Most the time I scream out to God to hold me, sometimes I feel him, sometimes I don't. I have been feeling so not good lately I wonder if I will just fall asleep and not get up. I mean I want to get up, i have every reason in the world to get up, im 20 and full of passion, but my body is really hurting me.
Everyone tells me I need to get out of redding, and I realize that this is not my place to live forever. But the more and more people tell me I NEED to get out, the more irrational I think. The other day I almost packed up my clothes, makeup and money and just left. Staying in my car, showering at the beach, staying with friends I can make on myspace, anything. Doesn't that tell God where my heart is? Isn't that some sort of clue so I can get some help? Cause I need it.
I want to be well enough to run again, that was a great way for me to get stress out. I enjoyed it, whether it was at the gym listening to angry music, or at McConnal foundation listening to whimsical music. It was just a good thing for me and now I don't have that. Why? Why do I not have a way to get out my anger and stress? Why do I have to keep it inside my body and mind in which both I think are fading.
I just want some direction right now. If God wanted to keep me here for longer to show me something, or have me do something, then fine. But I don't know what that is. I just want my passion back, the excitement of my job and making money and progressing.
My dad and I don't really talk anymore. After he lost his temper and physically hurt me I don't have much trust or respect for him. I love my dad, I just wished he loved himself. But its obvious he doesn't. And so lazy, if people look at me as how I look at my dad, i really want to know.
I just want my health to get better. I want to feel ok and not scared of every new symptom i have. I want a long hug, kisses on the ear and head, and told that its ok, and that I will make it. Not only with health, but in life. That if I wanted I could wow the world. Cause thats all I want. Thats not too much to ask right?
Ha.
Right.
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