Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

So. Just to make things light in the beginning of this I would like to say.... Mentally, the past week has been exhausting. My opinion of a vacation right now is to be put in a straight jacket, in a white padded room, and be allowed to scream and bang my head against the wall and just be normal for once, well, normal for a insane asylum. But for now, I have my room, my pillow, my Bible and my thoughts. Two nights ago around 1:30 in the morning I was laying down to go to sleep. I was somewhat in peace. I mean my thoughts are always racing at the end of my day and thats probably why it takes me so long to fall asleep but they were racing as usual. Well then all the sudden it felt like something from the inside hit my gut. It was almost like my heart had started yelling at my gut that something wasn't right. Then the floodgates were released, the lies took over. They went a little something like this "They're all lying Anna. You can trust no one, no one is worthy of your trus

I do not have the time to begin to even skim the surface of how much shit ive been processing lately. My brain is exhausted from fighting what I have always known as truth and learning what is really true. The past couple of months have been filled with tears, regret, anger, wrestling with God, yelling at God, and then humbled by my Maker. I am just going to tell you about the past 24 hours and hopefully then you will begin to understand why I am so exhausted. To begin lets go back about a month. I sat in my bed, crying..... ok weeping because I began to feel.... well feel the unknown. I have been hurt in the past, hurt so bad it effects my relationships now, and not in a positive way. I have been living in fear of getting hurt that bad again. So God was revealing to me this night I was weeping how I have been surviving. He showed me a picture of this rickity wooden bridge that was so high up in the air that if the bridge was broken you would surely die. He showed me walking on this br