The losing of my sanity
So. Just to make things light in the beginning of this I would like to say.... Mentally, the past week has been exhausting. My opinion of a vacation right now is to be put in a straight jacket, in a white padded room, and be allowed to scream and bang my head against the wall and just be normal for once, well, normal for a insane asylum. But for now, I have my room, my pillow, my Bible and my thoughts.
Two nights ago around 1:30 in the morning I was laying down to go to sleep. I was somewhat in peace. I mean my thoughts are always racing at the end of my day and thats probably why it takes me so long to fall asleep but they were racing as usual. Well then all the sudden it felt like something from the inside hit my gut. It was almost like my heart had started yelling at my gut that something wasn't right. Then the floodgates were released, the lies took over. They went a little something like this "They're all lying Anna. You can trust no one, no one is worthy of your trust. You are alone in this, I mean you have God, but how tangible is that? God is the only one worthy of trust, prepare Anna, they are all going to hurt you one by one" and on and on. They got pretty intense. I just burst in to tears, not of sadness but of fear. My heart started racing and the exact moments I have been hurt before starting coming to mind. The feeling that I got when my best friend walked away from me and never looked back. The moment he told me he didn't want me. The moment I saw my best friend drive away with the guy I was seeing, not one ounce of care for my heart. Just to name a few. Literally. A few. So I was alone in my room, crying, believing. It only made sense, the past determines the future right? I just started shouting to God "Please God make it stop, these are lies, get out of my head, this is not how you have called me to live, make it stop, put me to sleep, God put me to sleep. God put me to sleep" and within 5 mins I was sleeping on a tear soaked pillow. I wish I was to say it stopped there. But no, every hour upon the hour I was woken up as if the lies were being whispered in my ear. It would start all over, the crying, the shouting to God, the sleep and repeat. My morning started out pretty much the same, I called one of my best friends and had her pray for me. I started getting ready for work with music in the background to keep me out of my head. I knew that I would have 3 breaks at work. I would have two 15min breaks and one 30min break. Knowing that, I knew that meant being left alone with myself for that long. So I grabbed me new, cute, mini Bible and shoved it in my purse. Each break I was reading through Ephesians.
Alright, now the fun part. The revealing of the insecurities. There is a section in Ephesians that talks about wives submitting to their husbands. I reread it over and over and it could not get much clearer what it was saying, and then it said men love your wives like you love Christ and the church. So then I started my conversation with God. "God, why would you ask this. This might possibly be one thing that I cannot give you, why would you ask me to do this? And why do I have such a problem with this?" and God said "Because you don't trust me enough to believe that I will bring you someone that will love you so much that they will put your wants over theirs". Which then lead me to do the (head up towards the ceiling blinking a lot to keep from tears falling down your face). Ok God, well talk about this later, I have to go back to work. So then after work I was keeping it together pretty well, I went to a performance that entertained me out of my misery. Then I went to pick up my roommate from work and he started asking about my day and I told him exactly how it was. Sometimes I feel like people regret asking. haha. Anyways he then asked the question, "what the heck happened to you in your past that makes you so afraid of getting hurt?" and that question lead to crying so hard my fake eyelashes fell off. I started thinking about all the friendships I have been through, not only friendships but relationships.
Let me now explain who I am as a person. I am a lover. I love people, I love spending time with people, giving to people, spoiling people, meeting peoples needs (if I have that ability) listening and talking to people, finding a way to make people feel special. I mean im all the shitty things too, but at my core that is what I think about, people and how to love them. Well in my adolescent ignorance I was friends with some of the wrong friends. Ill just call them "The Takers", you know, the people with the victim mentality. Well I got sucked into many of these relationships. They would be very clear on what they wanted and so I would produce all those things. The most I would give was my time and my love. Well when it came time for me to be taken care of they just didnt have that ability. Ok I take ability back, they didnt have the care. No one seemed to give my feelings, thoughts and heart ANY consideration. So I would end up getting hurt beyond measure and leave the relationship broken and abused and move on to the next Taker. Because they flock to the lover.
Well if we can connect the dots we can see how this would negatively effect my relationships now. I feel like everyone just likes me for what I give, not who I am. Everyone wants from me but doesn't really want to give. Everyone wants me as a good friend, but doesnt want to be a good friend. But also out of my hurt was desperation. I was desperate to have someone that cared so deeply for me that I would almost live in this fantasy land. I would convince myself that it was just me, I was a needy friend, no one actually should have to be that good of a friend. But not only that I would try to PULL friendship out of people. Guilt them, convince them that I am worth it. Its a lot of work. I don't think I was comfortable loving people for where they were at and what they would give. What they would give was not enough, which then lead into unhealthy expectations. Because I would make people feel like they weren't enough and actually typing that gives me a sour taste in my mouth. I NEVER EVER would intentionally make someone feel like that. But these are all learned behaviors and I pretty much kept God out of it. I mean I went to Him as I was hurt and broken. He would show me the Bible verses that would get me through the moment and then I would go in search for the next taker.
Its a deep longing for love and to be taken care of which I feel like is so weak. To admit that I long for love literally makes me feel like a pathetic girl. I'm not, but it's what I am told. It is what I have learned. But as I go to my Father, I exchange His truths for my lies.
I want to remind you that this has been the past 48 hours of my life. If anyone has an extra padded room and straight jacket.... let me know. PLEASE let me know. I am thinking of leaving town for a couple days just to escape people. There is nothing that anyone can really say that I haven't heard before and I am sabotaging relationships because of my struggles. I feel like I really have nothing to give right now so I won't pull people into this meat grinder of emotions. Please don't take offense to my ups and downs as I try to figure this out.
Part 1
to be continued
if I survive this
hahah
Two nights ago around 1:30 in the morning I was laying down to go to sleep. I was somewhat in peace. I mean my thoughts are always racing at the end of my day and thats probably why it takes me so long to fall asleep but they were racing as usual. Well then all the sudden it felt like something from the inside hit my gut. It was almost like my heart had started yelling at my gut that something wasn't right. Then the floodgates were released, the lies took over. They went a little something like this "They're all lying Anna. You can trust no one, no one is worthy of your trust. You are alone in this, I mean you have God, but how tangible is that? God is the only one worthy of trust, prepare Anna, they are all going to hurt you one by one" and on and on. They got pretty intense. I just burst in to tears, not of sadness but of fear. My heart started racing and the exact moments I have been hurt before starting coming to mind. The feeling that I got when my best friend walked away from me and never looked back. The moment he told me he didn't want me. The moment I saw my best friend drive away with the guy I was seeing, not one ounce of care for my heart. Just to name a few. Literally. A few. So I was alone in my room, crying, believing. It only made sense, the past determines the future right? I just started shouting to God "Please God make it stop, these are lies, get out of my head, this is not how you have called me to live, make it stop, put me to sleep, God put me to sleep. God put me to sleep" and within 5 mins I was sleeping on a tear soaked pillow. I wish I was to say it stopped there. But no, every hour upon the hour I was woken up as if the lies were being whispered in my ear. It would start all over, the crying, the shouting to God, the sleep and repeat. My morning started out pretty much the same, I called one of my best friends and had her pray for me. I started getting ready for work with music in the background to keep me out of my head. I knew that I would have 3 breaks at work. I would have two 15min breaks and one 30min break. Knowing that, I knew that meant being left alone with myself for that long. So I grabbed me new, cute, mini Bible and shoved it in my purse. Each break I was reading through Ephesians.
Alright, now the fun part. The revealing of the insecurities. There is a section in Ephesians that talks about wives submitting to their husbands. I reread it over and over and it could not get much clearer what it was saying, and then it said men love your wives like you love Christ and the church. So then I started my conversation with God. "God, why would you ask this. This might possibly be one thing that I cannot give you, why would you ask me to do this? And why do I have such a problem with this?" and God said "Because you don't trust me enough to believe that I will bring you someone that will love you so much that they will put your wants over theirs". Which then lead me to do the (head up towards the ceiling blinking a lot to keep from tears falling down your face). Ok God, well talk about this later, I have to go back to work. So then after work I was keeping it together pretty well, I went to a performance that entertained me out of my misery. Then I went to pick up my roommate from work and he started asking about my day and I told him exactly how it was. Sometimes I feel like people regret asking. haha. Anyways he then asked the question, "what the heck happened to you in your past that makes you so afraid of getting hurt?" and that question lead to crying so hard my fake eyelashes fell off. I started thinking about all the friendships I have been through, not only friendships but relationships.
Let me now explain who I am as a person. I am a lover. I love people, I love spending time with people, giving to people, spoiling people, meeting peoples needs (if I have that ability) listening and talking to people, finding a way to make people feel special. I mean im all the shitty things too, but at my core that is what I think about, people and how to love them. Well in my adolescent ignorance I was friends with some of the wrong friends. Ill just call them "The Takers", you know, the people with the victim mentality. Well I got sucked into many of these relationships. They would be very clear on what they wanted and so I would produce all those things. The most I would give was my time and my love. Well when it came time for me to be taken care of they just didnt have that ability. Ok I take ability back, they didnt have the care. No one seemed to give my feelings, thoughts and heart ANY consideration. So I would end up getting hurt beyond measure and leave the relationship broken and abused and move on to the next Taker. Because they flock to the lover.
Well if we can connect the dots we can see how this would negatively effect my relationships now. I feel like everyone just likes me for what I give, not who I am. Everyone wants from me but doesn't really want to give. Everyone wants me as a good friend, but doesnt want to be a good friend. But also out of my hurt was desperation. I was desperate to have someone that cared so deeply for me that I would almost live in this fantasy land. I would convince myself that it was just me, I was a needy friend, no one actually should have to be that good of a friend. But not only that I would try to PULL friendship out of people. Guilt them, convince them that I am worth it. Its a lot of work. I don't think I was comfortable loving people for where they were at and what they would give. What they would give was not enough, which then lead into unhealthy expectations. Because I would make people feel like they weren't enough and actually typing that gives me a sour taste in my mouth. I NEVER EVER would intentionally make someone feel like that. But these are all learned behaviors and I pretty much kept God out of it. I mean I went to Him as I was hurt and broken. He would show me the Bible verses that would get me through the moment and then I would go in search for the next taker.
Its a deep longing for love and to be taken care of which I feel like is so weak. To admit that I long for love literally makes me feel like a pathetic girl. I'm not, but it's what I am told. It is what I have learned. But as I go to my Father, I exchange His truths for my lies.
I want to remind you that this has been the past 48 hours of my life. If anyone has an extra padded room and straight jacket.... let me know. PLEASE let me know. I am thinking of leaving town for a couple days just to escape people. There is nothing that anyone can really say that I haven't heard before and I am sabotaging relationships because of my struggles. I feel like I really have nothing to give right now so I won't pull people into this meat grinder of emotions. Please don't take offense to my ups and downs as I try to figure this out.
Part 1
to be continued
if I survive this
hahah
Comments
Loneliness feels like madness.
I’m a giver, too, i spend hours out of my day telling people the answers to their problems and cheering them up with gifts i can’t afford, flowers and cards. I’m the mediator and the effort maker.
Even when i know someone isn’t putting in the effort and i haven’t heard from them i’ll be the first to make a move again with something sweet to force them a reply, as if i’m desperate enough for connection i have to tell other people what it is i want to hear.
You’re not alone in suffering for having a big heart. You don’t know anyone else with the same big heart, which is a shame. I wish i could be there for you every day as the nook you need to crawl into sometimes or the listener who doesn’t regret asking how you are.
However, as similar as we are in heart, we’re still worlds apart it seems. If we weren’t so completely different, we’d be best friends, in the true sense of the term best friends. Equal and unconditional.
I am in the ether somewhere, though, like others similar to us are.
There are people out there who’d give you all you need, too, believe me. I have every faith in your being and your love. I’m proud of you and i don’t want you to give in. What would i have to inspire me, then?
I’m not lying to you, Anna, i’m not going to whisper lies to bring you round, i stand to gain nothing from telling you this, yet i do. I take nothing from you, i just expect you to strive on, like you do, and learn how to be loved. You doubt your ability to be loved more than anyone doubts their ability to love you.
I love you. Selflessly and causelessly. Simply do.