Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

You have made the rain fall and pulled the rainbow from the ground now mend this broken heart You have set lives free you have made nations roar now hold my broken soul You have spoken using objects you have whispered hope to generations now carry me to safety You have healed the diseased you have made the blind see now help my hopeless thoughts You have moved mountains flung stars from your fingertips now stampede me with your love You have traveled countless miles by foot you have walked on water now walk me through despair You have fed the homeless you have befriended the outcasts now catch these tears You have made food from flesh you have made wine from your blood now shine on me with grace You have warmed the hearts of murderers you have set slaves free now show me you love me You have been nailed to a cross you have been whipped within breaths of your life now numb my pain You have loved the loveless you have given life to the dead now show me life again I pray upon your power t

Nothing. I currently have nothing to offer. I have fear built up so high that im afraid ill never see the other side.. You know the side you made me for? Bricks, they consume my life. Faith. Brick. Insecurity. Brick. Hurt. Brick. Disbelief. Brick. Pain. Brick. Weight. Brick. Height. Brick. Hair color, eye color, wealthy, voice, discipline, personality. BRICK BRICK BRICK. Instead of standing there at my wall figuring out how to get over it, how to break it down, ive simply, walked away. I feel it behind me begging for relief, begging to be broken as if the ground couldnt hold it any longer. I look back, I stare, I cant. Tomorrow. 5 less pounds. Bigger boobs. More talent. More encouragement. A bigger sign. This is what I tell myself as I walk away. This isnt life. Im living inside of a fear. A fear that controls my everyday, the fear that I might have to step up and be what i was made for. The fear you will like me just the way I am.

The fear that takes you, shakes you awake from your sleep, even though I pray Lord my soul to keep. The fear that stops you dead in your tracts, believing all that your talents lacks. The fear that will spin you with your eyes wide open, watchin life pass by, as you try to fall around the ground to find some balance. The fear that shows you the warnings of love, not sure whether to push or to shove, me back into that place with You. Sanity, Safety, Give me these things that I know, these familiar things I once had, before I had a dream. The dream to be great, to live for a purpose, the dream to speak your wisdom, to step on stage with no nervousness. The fear inviting itself, flaunting itself, forcing its presence into my dreams. leaving me wondering "what does this mean?" Thrown and thrashed, kicked and assaulted. Bruised and battered chopped into pieces. But with the power of the fear, and the strength of its forces, ill still walk on ill still keep my courses. With God as

I was watching Forest Gump the other night, I havent watched that movie in probably 4 years, its been a long long while. Well I was watching the part when they put on his leg braces and how he struggled to walk, but got used to the struggle. How he would get picked on, made fun of, rocks literally thrown at him. When he has rocks thrown at him he didnt yell, he didnt start to run, he stared at the kids throwing them. He had a confused look in his eyes. He didnt know why these kids were being so mean to him. Then Jenny tells him to run. She first just says it as a suggestion, then she says it a little more stern, then she starts yelling it. RUN FOREST RUN!!! FOREST RUN!! Then he ran like he didnt realize his braces, he took chances that he could hurt himself a lot of these braces came off, he ran with intensity and faith that he was going to be ok. So weird how just little stupid moments in our lives such as watching a movie can profoundly make a statement. I know that it is God weeding

I have officially reached my 1 month mark of living in LA again. Im gonna go ahead and say its been very hard. Not having a lot of friends, no more connections it seems like. Im back at square 1. I feel like im putting effort into the wrong things, but God where do I start? Do you really want me to go knocking on the doors of agents? Where do I find agents? The thing that tears me apart is I know I cant ask you to just bring everything together for me. That would be unfair right? I need money. My mom has taught me not to pray for a job, but rather for money. Here I am praying for money. PLEASE GIVE ME MONEY!!!

It feels like my outer shell is breaking. My yolk is oozing out My insides about to hit the frying pan Im hovering The most of me keeping me dangling I can feel the heat asking for me The crack in my shell is spidering But as the yolk I cannot for a support I rely solely on my shell Hey you there Can you help me out? Oh crap you are frying sizzling with no life How do I find my way out of this? How do I keep myself from burning?

Ive been here a little over a week and its been one of the most confusing weeks of my life. I want to trust that God will take care of me because He is the one that wants me here, but 7 hours this week? How am I being taken care of with that? How is God gonna come through for me because I cant see it. I feel bad for saying that, but im so scared. There have maybe been 3 days that ive been here that I havent cried. I just feel alone, scary, lost, like im walking around with a blindfold on. Almost like God is my blindfold, because it hasnt been revealed to me what I am supposed to do about money. I spent most of today walking around by myself just window shopping. Trying to figure out what to do. I mean honestly what do I do when the end of next month rolls around? I dont even know. Am I am not helping myself by going out to lunch with people I havent seen in so long, I cant really afford it. Like my friend today who was having a really bad time and called me up crying, she shows up to l

First day of work..... no good. Second day of work.... a little better Third day of work..... not too bad As I was driving back from a frustrating experience at Ikea I was in traffic thinking about how I wanted to hurry and get home so I have time to run and take a shower before work. Then I got kinda annoyed by traffic because it was 2 o'clock. No reason for it. Then it hit me. The last time I lived here I didnt mind traffic one bit, I had no care in the world and I would just roll down my windows and sing and be delighted to be in the city of my dreams. I wasn't feeling that joy right then. What's wrong with me? I know that I have more worries now than I did back then, but what does this mean to me now? I don't want to not love every aspect of LA anymore. But I think back to the nights when I drive into hollywood and I see those bright city lights, and I see those people hustling all trying to get some where, I take great joy and satisfaction knowing that I am where I

So the big move is coming up in T-minus 2 days. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Pretty much sums it up. I was going through my stuff today and came across old notes and pictures and it would be so easy to go back to those fearless days, when at that age not a whole lot was expected from you. No bills, not a lot of maturity either. But now the only person to push me is me. I know that I have never been very good at that either. I am such a people person but i need to start telling them no. Because a lot of people are gonna want to hang out. there are a lot more people in la then here. backstage west- Sorry just a side note for me in the middle of this. dragon agency/talent beverly hills playhouse I was reading a letter that my parents wrote to me in highschool when I did the every 15 minutes activity. They wrote it as if I had died in a drunk driving accident and it was what they would have wanted to tell me or would say at my funeral. As I read through it I thought to

God, I just wanted to let you in on a couple things that have been running through my mind on a daily basis. "What the hell are you doing anna? You are setting yourself up for a big disappointment! Not only to yourself, but everyone is gonna watch you move away and then move right back to Redding. You don't have the money to do this, you don't have the job to get you through this, your fear is what is going to hold you back. You MUST be crazy" These are a few of the thoughts that bring me to tears every day. Is this what I need to go through to be so desperate for you that I know if I didnt seek your way I would not make it? Are these the thoughts that need to go through my head until I actually just do it and whole heartedly? How can I think that I can make it in acting when every stick skinny person that lives in that city wants the same as I? Is the only difference that I have you? Do I have what it takes? Lord I need your affirmation on a daily basis that I have w

Oh how God can simply remind me that I am the fearful one. He isn't scared. Why would He be scared? Im scared. While I was in LA I prayed and got some answers. I might not be ready but God sure as hell is. When I was told over a months ago with urgency to move back to LA I brushed it off as God leading me on. Exciting me for no reason. But while I was there I felt it, I felt the connection of God's words and my actions. They collided. My faith clicked. Its not God holding me back, its me. My fear of failure or even scarier..... my fear of success. I have fear of falling into the grips of Los Angeles and its demons. But like I always think, its easy not to fall and be full of faith in a monestary. Im being lead. I feel like im being walked down the aisle of life. Nervous to be given away. Second thoughts being stripped away with every step closer. I do. I cannot describe the feeling that rushes through a calm body when I hear Him. When He speaks to me its like im elevated above

God I don't know what is missing in my life to make me want to shop so freaking much lately but its all I want to do. I mean I am pretty good if I am in the house but I even have dreams of shopping. Dreams of how good this would look with this and how cute I would feel. Not even saying that I want the feeling of feeling cute because I dont really have much of a reason to look cute. Maybe its just because I am finally coming into my curves and liking them. I want things that fit, and look good, accentuate some areas rather than always trying to hide everything. God help me take this shopping addiction lately away. I want to be fullfilled in other ways. Ways not so expensive :-]

Im starting to realize that most of you are full of lies. You will say what you need to get what you want. Isn't that how it works? I mean you will be sssooo quick to tell a girl she is beautiful, sexy, fun, and that you think about her all the time. But then you can continue to treat her however the hell you want. Whatever suits you right? Dont treat her how someone that is beautiful, fun, sexy, should be treated. Treat her however the FUCK you want. You don't think of her first. "I was thinking about you all day today baby" Oh really? Then why haven't you called? Or sent a text? "Baby, im sorry I didn't answer your text I was busy with some things" Well I don't think anyone can be too busy to send a text. "I like you but I just think that we should wait. But dont think I don't like you baby. Im not gonna be with any other girls" Oh really? Is that why I see pictures of you kissing other girls the next day? Shitbag!?!?! And you kno

I cannot describe the feeling I had when I saw you that night at avocados. I didnt recognize you. I was scared, mad, worried, sick, hurt. I wanted to hug you so bad. Hug the drunkness out of you. I wanted you to see how much I love you. I wanted to some how make it visible to you so you would know you don't need anything else. You dont need an amount of alcohol or substance because you have my love. Nothing will ever change that. I dont love you less for what you did. I could never love you less. I starting thinking of all the ways you are an amazing father to me. I describe you as kind, quite, encouraging, adorable. I feel your love when you hug me, I know I do things that disappoint you but I want nothing more than for you to be happy and proud of me. I thought of the times when I was crying, and you come in, kinda awkwardly, you dont really have a lot to say, but the fact that you sit on the edge of my bed is enough. The little unsure pat you give on my back. It means the world

I have been struggling so much with God about why He has me here. I have no knowing purpose. I feel like packing my bags tomorrow and leaving. I know I can make such a bigger difference elsewhere. I see God needing me in other places. I see the need! But nothing is worse yet more beautiful than hearing the calling of God. I have been screaming, crying, begging, asking, demanding, wondering, what the hell God thinks He is doing. Why is He putting me through much anguish? Every day seems to get progressively worse. I can't even be at my own house right now without thinking im going to have a mental breakdown. Is this what you want for me God? Really? I thought you were supposed to be the one to take care of me. Yet here I am God, staying at my best friends moms house. Hanging on by threads of hope. Im dangling. Is this where you WANT ME GOD?!?!?!? WHY WONT YOU ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM BEGGING OF YOU GOD!!! LEAD ME. Ive been walking through the fire for too long God. Im slipping