Its lonely at the top.
Ive been here a little over a week and its been one of the most confusing weeks of my life.
I want to trust that God will take care of me because He is the one that wants me here, but 7 hours this week? How am I being taken care of with that? How is God gonna come through for me because I cant see it. I feel bad for saying that, but im so scared. There have maybe been 3 days that ive been here that I havent cried. I just feel alone, scary, lost, like im walking around with a blindfold on. Almost like God is my blindfold, because it hasnt been revealed to me what I am supposed to do about money. I spent most of today walking around by myself just window shopping. Trying to figure out what to do. I mean honestly what do I do when the end of next month rolls around? I dont even know. Am I am not helping myself by going out to lunch with people I havent seen in so long, I cant really afford it. Like my friend today who was having a really bad time and called me up crying, she shows up to lunch and says she has no money and hasnt ate for a while, so I offer to buy her lunch. I DONT HAVE MONEY! What was I thinking? I just want to save people so much.
Tonight I was itching for an adventure. I really wanted to go on a drive in a car that was a convertible with the top down and an energy drink and just drive along the ocean just singing. Its as much as I can stand knowing that I dont really have anyone to call and do that with. I want to go hiking, rollerblading, make sandwiches for homeless, dress up important and go places, walk the beach with coffee in hand. I can go on and on. This is starting to remind me of how miserable I was when I lived by myself. I had nothing to do all day and it got old quickly.
I went to mosaic tonight and REALLY pushed myself. I sat in my car for a while just thinking how I was going to walk in and then go straight to the bathroom and just wait there till it started. But then I prayed for the strength to meet people, to no longer be shy. I dont know what I find more challenging. Finding a job and going to interviews, or actually just walking up to people I dont know and start talking to them. So I took a deep breath right before I entered the building and got some information, met a couple girls, and am overall looking to get connected. I explained to a couple girls that last time I attended mosaic (two years ago) that I sat in the back, by myself and did not get involved. Its a really scary thing to try to invite myself into a community that already knows each other. I mean I was the one that had to walk up to people and start conversation, I mean these are leadership people and yet I was the one making effort. Im not going to complain, but its frustrating cause I dont know if they really want to talk to me or not.
I was thinking about my husband tonight. How I want to meet him outside of the church but then find out that he goes to church. I want to hear he is spiritual and not religious. I see the guys walking around the church I was at and they look so pompous and into themselves. Like "Hey girls, look at me, I attend church, you should worship me along with Jesus" It disgusts me. I want my husband to be adventurous and likes getting chased just as much as he likes the chasing. I want him to ask me on a date, not ask me to hang out. Open doors for me, PAY for my dinner, take me to concerts, events and all that jazz. But most of all I want to meet him. I deserve to meet him. I have waited so long. God, would you have someone please take me on a date and make me feel special. I promise not to get expectations or get obsessive. Can we at least make a deal, he doesnt have to be my one in a million just yet, just a polite man to call me beautiful, kiss me goodnight, and buy me dinner. If you could do that I would more than be happy to make a date with you. I love you Lord I do, but show me your mercy. Show me some man.
I want to trust that God will take care of me because He is the one that wants me here, but 7 hours this week? How am I being taken care of with that? How is God gonna come through for me because I cant see it. I feel bad for saying that, but im so scared. There have maybe been 3 days that ive been here that I havent cried. I just feel alone, scary, lost, like im walking around with a blindfold on. Almost like God is my blindfold, because it hasnt been revealed to me what I am supposed to do about money. I spent most of today walking around by myself just window shopping. Trying to figure out what to do. I mean honestly what do I do when the end of next month rolls around? I dont even know. Am I am not helping myself by going out to lunch with people I havent seen in so long, I cant really afford it. Like my friend today who was having a really bad time and called me up crying, she shows up to lunch and says she has no money and hasnt ate for a while, so I offer to buy her lunch. I DONT HAVE MONEY! What was I thinking? I just want to save people so much.
Tonight I was itching for an adventure. I really wanted to go on a drive in a car that was a convertible with the top down and an energy drink and just drive along the ocean just singing. Its as much as I can stand knowing that I dont really have anyone to call and do that with. I want to go hiking, rollerblading, make sandwiches for homeless, dress up important and go places, walk the beach with coffee in hand. I can go on and on. This is starting to remind me of how miserable I was when I lived by myself. I had nothing to do all day and it got old quickly.
I went to mosaic tonight and REALLY pushed myself. I sat in my car for a while just thinking how I was going to walk in and then go straight to the bathroom and just wait there till it started. But then I prayed for the strength to meet people, to no longer be shy. I dont know what I find more challenging. Finding a job and going to interviews, or actually just walking up to people I dont know and start talking to them. So I took a deep breath right before I entered the building and got some information, met a couple girls, and am overall looking to get connected. I explained to a couple girls that last time I attended mosaic (two years ago) that I sat in the back, by myself and did not get involved. Its a really scary thing to try to invite myself into a community that already knows each other. I mean I was the one that had to walk up to people and start conversation, I mean these are leadership people and yet I was the one making effort. Im not going to complain, but its frustrating cause I dont know if they really want to talk to me or not.
I was thinking about my husband tonight. How I want to meet him outside of the church but then find out that he goes to church. I want to hear he is spiritual and not religious. I see the guys walking around the church I was at and they look so pompous and into themselves. Like "Hey girls, look at me, I attend church, you should worship me along with Jesus" It disgusts me. I want my husband to be adventurous and likes getting chased just as much as he likes the chasing. I want him to ask me on a date, not ask me to hang out. Open doors for me, PAY for my dinner, take me to concerts, events and all that jazz. But most of all I want to meet him. I deserve to meet him. I have waited so long. God, would you have someone please take me on a date and make me feel special. I promise not to get expectations or get obsessive. Can we at least make a deal, he doesnt have to be my one in a million just yet, just a polite man to call me beautiful, kiss me goodnight, and buy me dinner. If you could do that I would more than be happy to make a date with you. I love you Lord I do, but show me your mercy. Show me some man.
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