Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

With eyes red, throat hoarse, muscles strained, brain drained, heart hurting, soul exhausted.... I still try to live every day like it was my last. I live to make people laugh, to see joy in peoples faces, to bring light into a dark situation, to find humor in EVERYTHING. I WANT to make people happy, I want to help, I want to give, I want to root people on, I want to answer questions, I want to find passion in people and show it to them. I want to be Jesus. Life would have been easier if I was Gods daughter, I mean yea yea yea I know Im Gods "Daughter" like we are all His children, but I seriously mean that I was a Savior. Not in the fact that I would want people to worship me, or even KNOW that I was the Messiah, but I want to be able to just touch someone and heal their pain, because right now, the only job I can do.... is to help numb it. But I want to make it go away completely. I know that I wouldn't have been a good Savior for the fact that it took me alot to get to

I breath in your anger, I breath out hope. I breath in your brokenness, I breath out my strength. I breath in your lack of direction, I breath out my compass. I breath in your sickness, I breath out my health. I breath in your scared heart, I breath out my armor. I breath in darkness, I breath out light. I breath in the nothingness you give me, No, the nothingness you gave me. I choked. I try and breath out but its not working. Nothing is coming out. So I sit here, panicking, trying to give myself the heimlich maneuver, someone give me some help here, I am stuck, I cannot breath. You really had me going there for a second, HAD me going. Im glad I can see clearly now, even though I feel as if I cannot breath I can at least know WHY I cannot breath.

So many thoughts are going on, but so many of them are pushed to the back of my mind with fear of actually thinking of them. I have been full of thoughts and not of words. Its been different for people whom are usually around me. I got offered 4 jobs now since I have been in Redding. 2 of them I declined due to distance and not enough pay. But the 2 that I got offered today I am going to take. Not because I am trying to escape something, not because I am trying to set up a life some where else, not because I am running from something, not because I am completely unhappy where I am, because its what God has planned for my life. God might have me in Redding helping the youth right now, but I still have no doubt that my ultimate plan is not here. I haven't givin up on anything. I haven't taken jobs to run away from problems or people. I took it because it is my life. It is what makes my heart beat. LA is where I leave my heart when I leave. I do NOT have plans to move back to la r

Future Husband: I really hope things are hard for you right now like they are hard for me. I hope that you have to watch someone love someone else, but honey its ok, because whoever she is.... isn't me. So I guess experience the feeling and let me heal it later. I hope that when I find you, you will never watch me love another. Because it has to be one of the hardest things to go through. You have to act calm though, like everything is ok and you are rooting for the couple to work out, when really you are dying on the inside just trying to give yourself reasons to keep going. I do want to say this though, I hope that staying pure isn't easy for you, i really do hope its hard. I hope you have girls throwing themselves at you but you make the decision to be the man I want. That you think of me when you are tempted. That you think of the feeling I will receive when you look at me and say "Baby, I saved this for you" Except maybe I don't want you to say "baby&quo

That little tug on your heart pulling you towards something, that little uneasy feeling keeping you from doing something, that little voice in the back of your head that you feel like is telling you to stay, work harder, don't freak out. That is God. It is just but a whisper. But that is God of the universe, speaking... to... YOU. We all know the feeling. Its the "alter call" feeling. When the preacher says "anyone that feels like God is calling them to the alter right now, or is speaking to you to come up to the front and give everything up, come now" We sit so nervous in our seat, we sweat, our hearts beat fast, we look around the room to see if anyone else is going, and then when we finally decide to go, when we decide to surrender, it all goes away, we take a deep breath, because we know that it was meant to be. We know that what God wanted for us at that exact moment. And we leave feeling so much better, weight is GONE from our shoulders. All because we sur

You bring the tears from my eyes. You force the scream from my throat. You bring the shaking of my hands. You make my heart beat. You are the reason I pray. You are the reason I say "no" You are the compass of my direction. You are consuming my thoughts. You are the reason I search. You are what I want. But where are you? Future husband, This ones for you. I think about you constantly. I think about what if you stared into my eyes today? What if you touched my skin? What if we exchanged words? I think about what I want you to be, and I just as much think about what I DON'T want you to be. When your with me, I want ALL of you with me. I want our minds to wrap around each other. I want our hearts to hold each other. I want love to be oozing out of our pours. I want your words to have truth. I hope to know you.

"There hasn't been a minute that has gone by where I don't feel like my better half is missing. Nothings the same without you here, laughing seems empty, smiles are forced, it's as though after experiencing time with you nothing can or will ever compare" A friend wrote me this while I was in LA. I don't even have words. My heart completely goes out to this person, im sorry I went missing. But guess what? I'm back. Do you choose me now? No. But I love you still.

Its not much to do, its not much to see, all I want from you, is your warm feet. Its not much to say, but its alot to feel, when you say I Love You, I wonder if its real. There is no place to run, there is no place to hide, you can keep your distance, but ill never leave your side. To make my knees buckle, it doesn't take much, even if its on accident, I melt for your touch. Im good with directions, I am geographically wise, but I don't know who I am or where to go, when I look into your eyes. Words are not enough, Actions just play a small part, I want you to see my soul, I want you to experience my heart. I want you to have it all, my love that is undefined, but you have to stay with me, cause its gonna take a lifetime.

So yesterday was our first day of shooting "old skool" for vh1. For those of you whom don't know what I am doing in LA I am working as the key makeup artist for the two ladies that are the lead of the show. It is about two older women whom were very well known in their day. Now 72 and 77 they are taking them around to different aspects of our generation and getting their reactions and responses. Yesterday they conducted porn auditions. Several people whom were interested in being in a porn film showed up and "tried out" Trying out includes: Answering numerous questions about experience, what they are willing to do, why they are in it, what they like about it ect. Then they were asked to "stimulate" a piece of fruit such as they would a male or female. (Slices of canalope representing a girl and a banana representing a boy. Then they were asked to strip down naked. Then they were asked to get hard (for the men obviously) Meaning they had to play with th

Anyone who knows me I am totally stoked about getting to have sex when I get married. I mean im not even engaged or anything but still I hold having to have sex up to such a high standard. I know I know, Im really gonna be disappointed when it actually happens because its not that great. But what if im never disappointed? I mean I have never had it, so I really don't know what im missing. Celebate? I have thought day in and day out about what its gonna be like, feel like, smell like, what the lighting is gonna be like, what music I want playing, what location, what position. I mean you name it, i have thought about it. But the more time I spend with a boy, whom is not attracted to me, i think...... Im willing to not have sex for life if that means I get to spend my life with you. Woah woah woah. Wait a min. Is this anna talking here? Yes. When im with him, i don't need sex. I think I have reached the deepest emotional part of me. If he doesn't want it, i won't have it.

God, I want to sit here and tell you that I am not deserving of all the things that you do for me. But whats the point? Its not like you are going to nod your head in agreement. Or say "Youre right, let me think of how I can make things worse" Even though sometimes I feels as if You do that. Life was bad, slowly getting better, soon to be great. I mean working with the simple life producer, having him like me and want to keep me around, valet parking everyday, going clubbing with older ladies just because I do their makeup? I mean its like if you were a painter, You paint something and THEN sell it. But imagine someone just paying you to paint not know what it will look like. That is ME! God, keep it up and I promise I won't be someone you look at and say "Im giving her more than she is worth" I promise to always be worth it.