Hurting Silently

So many thoughts are going on, but so many of them are pushed to the back of my mind with fear of actually thinking of them.
I have been full of thoughts and not of words.
Its been different for people whom are usually around me.

I got offered 4 jobs now since I have been in Redding.
2 of them I declined due to distance and not enough pay.
But the 2 that I got offered today I am going to take.
Not because I am trying to escape something,
not because I am trying to set up a life some where else,
not because I am running from something,
not because I am completely unhappy where I am,
because its what God has planned for my life.

God might have me in Redding helping the youth right now,
but I still have no doubt that my ultimate plan is not here.

I haven't givin up on anything.
I haven't taken jobs to run away from problems or people.
I took it because it is my life.
It is what makes my heart beat.
LA is where I leave my heart when I leave.

I do NOT have plans to move back to la right now,
not until I have the ok from God.
But when I agreed with God to move back to Redding to help with the youth,
He KNOWS that I will still always have makeup on the front burner.

It makes me numb to everything else that is wrong around me.
I don't use it to numb me,
I use it to make me feel something that is unreal.
The best high anyone can ever have.

When I do Gods work,
when I leak love into la one trip at a time,
when I spend time with people whom are so different than myself,
when I give my all in a job or pursuing a friendship,
My eyes fill with passion,
my heart fills with love,
my soul spills with something no person can not give another,
its a glimpse of the heart God has for people.