Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

I am not trying to lay out my dirty laundry here but I felt Gods pull for me to write this because some people will relate. We all know what it looks like to fight with our boyfriend/girlfriend, or disagreements I can say. I know that in the past when fighting with close friends that it took one little fight for them to give up. No warning, all the promises in the world put before us but one little fight and they're done. That, obviously, has given me quite a few issues throughout my friendships. Whether it was a feeling of desperation to keep them around (compromising who I am to get them to stay) or it was a feeling of putting myself last so they could feel love I am yet to learn a happy medium between taking care of me and taking care of others the way Christ did. Well having this knowledge I have sought counseling for these issues of abandonment. My longing for love can often come out in a codependent manner and my longing TO love can come out as a "savior complex"

Normally when I am pms-ing or as the doctors might call it "pmdd-ing" I like to look at anything and pretend I have lasers for eyes and then imagine the different ways it would explode or rip apart in front of me. I like to yell, I like to self loath, I like to blame and I like to isolate.  Wanna be friends? This time I am going to ATTEMPT to write something about all the things I love and am working towards. If you could only see the keyboard dents I am leaving as I write this. I am trying to embrace the hard. When things get difficult I like to fix it or find a way to get rid of the feeling of "want". Because guess what? When I want something and I cannot have it.... I am no longer having fun. I shut down, I move on, I shift my attention or I pout hardcore. You might assume me to be a brat or spoiled or something, not true. But the problem I have is when I know I COULD have something if I wanted but I have to CHOOSE not to take it. Some might call this

Remember that one time I wrote that blog about losing and find of ones self? Then after that blog I was meant to go on about my life realizing that I had lost myself but then I wrote a really long confusing blog about it and in that blog I refound myself and went back to normal. This is me. Lost. Still. You know majority of the time when you tell someone or you hear someone say they are lost our immediate reaction is to help them get to where they are meant to be. Like "turn left at the stop sign and go towards the blue building and I will go stand outside". Or "here read this book, I felt the same way you did one time and I read this book and it changed my life". We all know the feeling. When it is lost.... find it. Well when you live one way your whole life, pretty much knowing who you are and what you want and then switch to not being totally sure, not gonna lie....kinda freeing. Because finally admitting you are lost is pretty much dropping what you had on