We've all been there, I hope.
I am not trying to lay out my dirty laundry here but I felt Gods pull for me to write this because some people will relate.
We all know what it looks like to fight with our boyfriend/girlfriend, or disagreements I can say. I know that in the past when fighting with close friends that it took one little fight for them to give up. No warning, all the promises in the world put before us but one little fight and they're done. That, obviously, has given me quite a few issues throughout my friendships. Whether it was a feeling of desperation to keep them around (compromising who I am to get them to stay) or it was a feeling of putting myself last so they could feel love I am yet to learn a happy medium between taking care of me and taking care of others the way Christ did. Well having this knowledge I have sought counseling for these issues of abandonment. My longing for love can often come out in a codependent manner and my longing TO love can come out as a "savior complex" which is a belief that I can save the person from whatever they are dealing with. Well with any issue that is being worked on, it is a process. I am not perfect at it.
Now to talk to the ladies directly. We all know those fights with our boyfriends (or girlfriends, no judgement) where it seems to be a wall of disconnection of communication. Where each person is seeking to be understood and in turn there is frustration and confusion. In my mind there are two ways to take care of this; talk it out, understand what is happening and work through the hard stuff to continue into a deeper level of intimacy. Another way to deal with this is walk away angry. Which one sounds appealing? Better yet, which one is easier?
Now when the second option happens and both parties are angry, stop me if I am wrong, we can often get abusive or self destructive with our behavior. Because we want to purposely sabotage? Well that is just the surface feeling, but to feel a level of love that the other person is not quite offering. We feel as if our level of caring is above the others level of caring. So in turn we are looking for ways to get attention to solidify their level of care. It can often look like this:
Go get drunk or high (to escape pain and to disappoint the other person. Just gaining some type of reaction)
Go do something self destructive to ourselves (putting ourself in a shady or unsafe situation)
Go hang out with someone you know your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't like
Say something extremely harmful (usually pertaining to their character or a deep rooted issue they have shared with you)
Or last but not always least, get pregnant (I am only saying this one because I know plenty of girls that have done it to keep who they are with AND don't act like it didn't pass through your head for a second, you sicko) haha.
These are a few examples of what we can often do when "fighting" with our loves. Are any of those healthy? No. We always have a choice to do something greater than who we are in that moment or do something that brings us to a level we try to stay out of.
But why do we do these things? I asked God this tonight as I hid my beer and went on a walk with worship music instead. God revealed to me that often times we do these things to try to get a feeling of worth or care. "Do they care enough to react? Do they care enough to save me? Do they care enough to stay with me?" We find worth through THEIR actions FOR us. God revealed to me that we are not to dive into any of this behavior because we are to KNOW who we are and KNOW what we are worth before we ever join into a relationship. We are to treat ourselves with care and respect and if that other person is not on board with that then hard decisions will follow. Not encouraging a break up but definitely some brave communication that might lead to the opposite of what we want.
So I sit here, writing this with a shaken heart, knowing I deserve no less than how God would treat me. We ALL fall short, always, but that shall not work as an excuse to sweep things under the rug while we pray for change. I am not writing this with ANY motivation to end what I am in, whatsoever. Relationships take work and well, i'm a hard worker. I believe in who I am with and believe full heartedly that we have a long happy life together. I ask God what my role is in my relationship when things get difficult and God said "pray for them, always, it will humble you to know they are mine and they are weak. Also, encourage them to be the best they can be, not only for you but for a happier well being of themselves". That might not always look like what we think it should but God is moving. If we bring God to the center, both bring God to the center He will always do His intended work in both of us. My hurts are real, my heart is worn and my head is spinning but it brought me to the feet of Jesus and that can NEVER be bad.
God I lift up my relationship to you. I lift up our hearts, our wants, our desires, our communication, our connection and our perseverance to do Your work in our relationship. God you will never run from me and I pray that we always feel you in our lives. I pray success over our communication and I pray grace overwhelming. I pray that we understand what You are doing in us as a couple before we ever need to understand what each other wants. I pray that You open the deepest parts of us, reveal it all and teach us how to love and support each other in a healthy way. God I celebrate the 4 month You are bringing us into and I chose to worship You for ever day of it. I bow at Your majesty and I am in awe of who You have made each of us. God I pray that You fill us with Your desires of life long lasting. I pray that we cling onto Your coat of grace and we then shower each other with total acceptance of who we are, where we came from, where we are at and where we are going, together. I pray peace in my heart as it races with learned pain from the past. I pray You break my chains that keeps fear in my mind and the chains that can only understand what was learned. Give me a new understanding of what love unfailing looks like and give me the confidence to step into it. Thank you for who I am, where I have been, where I am and where I am going.
All glory to You.
We all know what it looks like to fight with our boyfriend/girlfriend, or disagreements I can say. I know that in the past when fighting with close friends that it took one little fight for them to give up. No warning, all the promises in the world put before us but one little fight and they're done. That, obviously, has given me quite a few issues throughout my friendships. Whether it was a feeling of desperation to keep them around (compromising who I am to get them to stay) or it was a feeling of putting myself last so they could feel love I am yet to learn a happy medium between taking care of me and taking care of others the way Christ did. Well having this knowledge I have sought counseling for these issues of abandonment. My longing for love can often come out in a codependent manner and my longing TO love can come out as a "savior complex" which is a belief that I can save the person from whatever they are dealing with. Well with any issue that is being worked on, it is a process. I am not perfect at it.
Now to talk to the ladies directly. We all know those fights with our boyfriends (or girlfriends, no judgement) where it seems to be a wall of disconnection of communication. Where each person is seeking to be understood and in turn there is frustration and confusion. In my mind there are two ways to take care of this; talk it out, understand what is happening and work through the hard stuff to continue into a deeper level of intimacy. Another way to deal with this is walk away angry. Which one sounds appealing? Better yet, which one is easier?
Now when the second option happens and both parties are angry, stop me if I am wrong, we can often get abusive or self destructive with our behavior. Because we want to purposely sabotage? Well that is just the surface feeling, but to feel a level of love that the other person is not quite offering. We feel as if our level of caring is above the others level of caring. So in turn we are looking for ways to get attention to solidify their level of care. It can often look like this:
Go get drunk or high (to escape pain and to disappoint the other person. Just gaining some type of reaction)
Go do something self destructive to ourselves (putting ourself in a shady or unsafe situation)
Go hang out with someone you know your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't like
Say something extremely harmful (usually pertaining to their character or a deep rooted issue they have shared with you)
Or last but not always least, get pregnant (I am only saying this one because I know plenty of girls that have done it to keep who they are with AND don't act like it didn't pass through your head for a second, you sicko) haha.
These are a few examples of what we can often do when "fighting" with our loves. Are any of those healthy? No. We always have a choice to do something greater than who we are in that moment or do something that brings us to a level we try to stay out of.
But why do we do these things? I asked God this tonight as I hid my beer and went on a walk with worship music instead. God revealed to me that often times we do these things to try to get a feeling of worth or care. "Do they care enough to react? Do they care enough to save me? Do they care enough to stay with me?" We find worth through THEIR actions FOR us. God revealed to me that we are not to dive into any of this behavior because we are to KNOW who we are and KNOW what we are worth before we ever join into a relationship. We are to treat ourselves with care and respect and if that other person is not on board with that then hard decisions will follow. Not encouraging a break up but definitely some brave communication that might lead to the opposite of what we want.
So I sit here, writing this with a shaken heart, knowing I deserve no less than how God would treat me. We ALL fall short, always, but that shall not work as an excuse to sweep things under the rug while we pray for change. I am not writing this with ANY motivation to end what I am in, whatsoever. Relationships take work and well, i'm a hard worker. I believe in who I am with and believe full heartedly that we have a long happy life together. I ask God what my role is in my relationship when things get difficult and God said "pray for them, always, it will humble you to know they are mine and they are weak. Also, encourage them to be the best they can be, not only for you but for a happier well being of themselves". That might not always look like what we think it should but God is moving. If we bring God to the center, both bring God to the center He will always do His intended work in both of us. My hurts are real, my heart is worn and my head is spinning but it brought me to the feet of Jesus and that can NEVER be bad.
God I lift up my relationship to you. I lift up our hearts, our wants, our desires, our communication, our connection and our perseverance to do Your work in our relationship. God you will never run from me and I pray that we always feel you in our lives. I pray success over our communication and I pray grace overwhelming. I pray that we understand what You are doing in us as a couple before we ever need to understand what each other wants. I pray that You open the deepest parts of us, reveal it all and teach us how to love and support each other in a healthy way. God I celebrate the 4 month You are bringing us into and I chose to worship You for ever day of it. I bow at Your majesty and I am in awe of who You have made each of us. God I pray that You fill us with Your desires of life long lasting. I pray that we cling onto Your coat of grace and we then shower each other with total acceptance of who we are, where we came from, where we are at and where we are going, together. I pray peace in my heart as it races with learned pain from the past. I pray You break my chains that keeps fear in my mind and the chains that can only understand what was learned. Give me a new understanding of what love unfailing looks like and give me the confidence to step into it. Thank you for who I am, where I have been, where I am and where I am going.
All glory to You.
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