PMS

Normally when I am pms-ing or as the doctors might call it "pmdd-ing" I like to look at anything and pretend I have lasers for eyes and then imagine the different ways it would explode or rip apart in front of me. I like to yell, I like to self loath, I like to blame and I like to isolate. 

Wanna be friends?

This time I am going to ATTEMPT to write something about all the things I love and am working towards. If you could only see the keyboard dents I am leaving as I write this.

I am trying to embrace the hard. When things get difficult I like to fix it or find a way to get rid of the feeling of "want". Because guess what? When I want something and I cannot have it.... I am no longer having fun. I shut down, I move on, I shift my attention or I pout hardcore. You might assume me to be a brat or spoiled or something, not true. But the problem I have is when I know I COULD have something if I wanted but I have to CHOOSE not to take it. Some might call this bad disapline, I call it seizing the moment? Ya thats what I am gonna call it. But lately I am working on walking through the want, understanding the want and finding the beauty in waiting for it. How much better it would feel to get it at the right time. 

DISCLAIMER: I said I am WORKING on this so if you find me punching shit, screaming at or randomly kicking in any direction just know its cause I am in want and I am not getting what I want. 

I was raised in a way that was "if you want it you need to work for it and go get it" so I spent a good amount of time running after something I wanted and slowly getting satisfied by the wants I could get along the way. Now I get to practice positioning myself in a way that I can get what I really want later and not what I think I want now. 

I have a feeling this is going to be a long messy process. What do I have to lose right? 

Except my patience. 

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