Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Thank you God for being the only one to heal me. To show me where I can improve to become more like your loving son. Thank you for being the only one to guide me and for seeing me for who I really am and not what I am trying to be. Continue to show me your beauty and how to befriend you. I want to know where you want me to do your works through me and then turn and give you the glory. God continue to lead me right to your words of promise. They have brought so much hope. You are showing me what it looks like to be poor in the world but rich in the spirit. Normally this would be pulling me down but God you continue to poor into me and show me that I do not need money to survive, I do not need this earth to survive. I need You. Just You. I had a light bulb moment the other day. I was suffering pretty bad, in the ways of feeling poor and not being able to make bills and just over all breaking down and being so angry with God. Why is He bringing me through this, why am I stressing? Why is

As I sit here and weep and realize the suffering will never end, I feel weakened. I couldn't be more thankful that I am finally turning to the Bible in my time of need but also a painful realization. As Peter points out suffering should not be a huge surprise to any of us. We are "strangers" in a world where the war is winning. "Were Christians thrive, storm clouds may gather" Ah. I have to just take this in right now. Im already struggling as it is and can only help that through turning to Gods words and His promises for me will only strengthen me to handle more. Its hard to realize that im such a baby to suffering. I mean im not going to sit here and lessen the amount of hurt in my life because it was real to me. But if I were to compare it, I seem to have the life of a spoiled princess. I told God, I asked Him to give me the faith of someone who suffers. Where they were on their knees, begging for His face. I should have known then, right then, that I would s

I want an adventure Do you hear me? I want an adventure. Not one that can be drawn on a map the kind where you lose the feather in your hat I want an adventure that goes off the paper Out of the mind Into the dark out from the depths into the steps of something unseen I want an adventure One that draws me to my knees where I stare into risk and laugh humbly because its what I welcome cause I thrive when a stale life leaves I want to hunt down my adventure capture it by surprise have it guide me by every starting sunrise I want to shatter the norm I want to run to escaping I want to dance with the wind only if it leads me to adventure I want adventure I want to sharpen my stick with a knife And then chase after animals Like I had intentions I want to have a piece of buckwheat out of my mouth at all times I want venture into every hazard I want to take chances that eventually turns into songs that I write about how I met my love I want to gamble through my possessions so one day ill have

I am not going to try and make sense right now. I am processing through so freaking much that I am sure this blog is just going to be as jumbled as my brain. Alright, I guess I will start with the season I am in right now. The season of not understanding. I am a person that likes to understand everything so I can see what control I have. I am a person that likes to have control. Which I think is the biggest curse when it comes to having faith because time and time again I am discounting God and putting Him in a box when it comes to faith. Because when miracles happen or something out of the ordinary my only answer is God? That doesn't make sense to someone who wants to make sense of everything. It is easier for me to think something is a coincidence than give God credit. A little weird I know, but thats my personality I suppose. Anyways. I take the steps God asked me to without any understanding of why He has me here, and in an odd way I didn't spend much time asking why. Oddly