I wait for you
I am not going to try and make sense right now. I am processing through so freaking much that I am sure this blog is just going to be as jumbled as my brain.
Alright, I guess I will start with the season I am in right now. The season of not understanding. I am a person that likes to understand everything so I can see what control I have. I am a person that likes to have control. Which I think is the biggest curse when it comes to having faith because time and time again I am discounting God and putting Him in a box when it comes to faith. Because when miracles happen or something out of the ordinary my only answer is God? That doesn't make sense to someone who wants to make sense of everything. It is easier for me to think something is a coincidence than give God credit. A little weird I know, but thats my personality I suppose. Anyways. I take the steps God asked me to without any understanding of why He has me here, and in an odd way I didn't spend much time asking why. Oddly I am not asking why I have no money for even gas to get anywhere but rather crying and worshiping on the floor of my room praising God for giving me peace for these hard times. I just know that there is something here for me, something I am supposed to walk through. God has given me such peace in this season about not trying to understand because I think God is ready to show me things beyond understanding and I am excited for it.
Now that we have that out of the way I can go into the other things I am processing. Dating. Ha. One of my very best friends is in the process of entering into a relationship that will most likely last for life. I can celebrate the love that surrounds each of them and the presence of God in their life. I love being able to sit back and watch something blossom and then chime in when I think something isn't aligned with Gods plan for them. That is a side note btw. Anyways I over heard some boys talking about a way a specific girl looked and poking fun, as I listened I related with that girl. As I related I started to get insecure and feel sorry for myself, as I started to feel sorry for myself I then started praying, I felt that God took my chin and tilted it up towards him. I felt like God saw the way I was starting to be ashamed of what I looked like and asked me to fixate my eyes on Him. As I fell asleep I fell asleep praying and getting glimpses of how God view me and I have never felt so beautiful. At that moment I prayed that God would take away any need I would feel to be affirmed by this world. I prayed that I didn't need to be told that I am pretty and instead celebrate in who I am to God. This directly relates to dating. I am at the season in my life where I know wanting a relationship and affection will sneak up on me, but my Father will walk me through all those struggles. Because at this moment I want God more than I want anything else. More than I want a boy, more than I want to be pretty, more than I want money and new clothes, more than I want a laptop to right on or gas to drive my car, I want God more than I want any of that. I know that I will get distracted, because the devil works most in distraction. he doesn't need us to do wrong, he just wants us to be distracted from doing right. And let me tell you the distraction is every where.
Next. This one is a doozy. God is literally flipping my world upside down about the way He wants me to live. I like to have a plan about everything, where I am going and how I am going to get there. So I had this grand plan of what my life will be like, I will do makeup, and then I will do acting, and then I will do public speaking and travel the world. So these were the things I concentrated on a daily basis. Oh buddy, oh oh buddy. Where I am now is so different than any of that, I mean I don't even have much of an option to do that right now. I know that God is trying to get more freedom in my life, for me to let go of all my expectations and just walk with Him. My knight and shining armor wants to save me from disappointing myself. He wants to show me what it looks like to live in full surrender and yet excitement for the future. I thought that was the way things went, we made a plan and we stuck with it. But God takes such joy in freedom in our lives, because if happiness is a different direction that we were going then He can turn us around and show us a different way to run, or where to just sit. I can have my eyes more open to my blessings.
Thank you Jesus.
God I pray that you continue to give me peace in the times of stress. I pray that you continue to counsel me into being your dream woman. I pray that you shield my eyes from what this world is asking me to be, I pray that I never sit still. I pray that you continue to call me to do things that make me uncomfortable because that is when I crave you most. I pray that you continuing showing me your words of knowledge. I pray that you continue to bring people into my life that challenge me and make me think about things that I probably have pushed back in my mind because I don't want to deal with them. I pray you give me visions of my future life with you. I continue to pray for my fleshly knight and shining armor. I pray he is preparing himself, and preparing to make me the happiest girl on earth. I pray that you are stretching him to deal with issues that we need to not have in our lives. I forgive him for his mistakes please do not ever make him feel not worth. I pray that he can sing, whether it sounds good or not. I pray for my best friend that is going to experience the best time of her life so far, that she steps into relation with you and does not get distracted. That you continue to prepare her heart to break. Be with me as I wander through your earth.
Amen
Alright, I guess I will start with the season I am in right now. The season of not understanding. I am a person that likes to understand everything so I can see what control I have. I am a person that likes to have control. Which I think is the biggest curse when it comes to having faith because time and time again I am discounting God and putting Him in a box when it comes to faith. Because when miracles happen or something out of the ordinary my only answer is God? That doesn't make sense to someone who wants to make sense of everything. It is easier for me to think something is a coincidence than give God credit. A little weird I know, but thats my personality I suppose. Anyways. I take the steps God asked me to without any understanding of why He has me here, and in an odd way I didn't spend much time asking why. Oddly I am not asking why I have no money for even gas to get anywhere but rather crying and worshiping on the floor of my room praising God for giving me peace for these hard times. I just know that there is something here for me, something I am supposed to walk through. God has given me such peace in this season about not trying to understand because I think God is ready to show me things beyond understanding and I am excited for it.
Now that we have that out of the way I can go into the other things I am processing. Dating. Ha. One of my very best friends is in the process of entering into a relationship that will most likely last for life. I can celebrate the love that surrounds each of them and the presence of God in their life. I love being able to sit back and watch something blossom and then chime in when I think something isn't aligned with Gods plan for them. That is a side note btw. Anyways I over heard some boys talking about a way a specific girl looked and poking fun, as I listened I related with that girl. As I related I started to get insecure and feel sorry for myself, as I started to feel sorry for myself I then started praying, I felt that God took my chin and tilted it up towards him. I felt like God saw the way I was starting to be ashamed of what I looked like and asked me to fixate my eyes on Him. As I fell asleep I fell asleep praying and getting glimpses of how God view me and I have never felt so beautiful. At that moment I prayed that God would take away any need I would feel to be affirmed by this world. I prayed that I didn't need to be told that I am pretty and instead celebrate in who I am to God. This directly relates to dating. I am at the season in my life where I know wanting a relationship and affection will sneak up on me, but my Father will walk me through all those struggles. Because at this moment I want God more than I want anything else. More than I want a boy, more than I want to be pretty, more than I want money and new clothes, more than I want a laptop to right on or gas to drive my car, I want God more than I want any of that. I know that I will get distracted, because the devil works most in distraction. he doesn't need us to do wrong, he just wants us to be distracted from doing right. And let me tell you the distraction is every where.
Next. This one is a doozy. God is literally flipping my world upside down about the way He wants me to live. I like to have a plan about everything, where I am going and how I am going to get there. So I had this grand plan of what my life will be like, I will do makeup, and then I will do acting, and then I will do public speaking and travel the world. So these were the things I concentrated on a daily basis. Oh buddy, oh oh buddy. Where I am now is so different than any of that, I mean I don't even have much of an option to do that right now. I know that God is trying to get more freedom in my life, for me to let go of all my expectations and just walk with Him. My knight and shining armor wants to save me from disappointing myself. He wants to show me what it looks like to live in full surrender and yet excitement for the future. I thought that was the way things went, we made a plan and we stuck with it. But God takes such joy in freedom in our lives, because if happiness is a different direction that we were going then He can turn us around and show us a different way to run, or where to just sit. I can have my eyes more open to my blessings.
Thank you Jesus.
God I pray that you continue to give me peace in the times of stress. I pray that you continue to counsel me into being your dream woman. I pray that you shield my eyes from what this world is asking me to be, I pray that I never sit still. I pray that you continue to call me to do things that make me uncomfortable because that is when I crave you most. I pray that you continuing showing me your words of knowledge. I pray that you continue to bring people into my life that challenge me and make me think about things that I probably have pushed back in my mind because I don't want to deal with them. I pray you give me visions of my future life with you. I continue to pray for my fleshly knight and shining armor. I pray he is preparing himself, and preparing to make me the happiest girl on earth. I pray that you are stretching him to deal with issues that we need to not have in our lives. I forgive him for his mistakes please do not ever make him feel not worth. I pray that he can sing, whether it sounds good or not. I pray for my best friend that is going to experience the best time of her life so far, that she steps into relation with you and does not get distracted. That you continue to prepare her heart to break. Be with me as I wander through your earth.
Amen
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