Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

"Come with me and be my love, and we will all life's pleasures prove" -Christopher Marlowe Verbal breakage. How many times have we been promised love and have never felt its embrace. Often times I have a hard time telling someone I love them, but it is my duty to prove it to them so there doesn't NEED to be a verbal affirmation. Time after time I have been enthralled with what you say, but disappointed in what you do. Oh how well you present yourself to me, in language more seductive than its meaning. I have given truth to your lies. What you don't realize. Is that when you say one thing and do another, you are lying. You are falling short of your words. Someone said to me the other day "How do you know someone is following God? You see fruit"-- obviously don't take this literal. But you see the works God is doing in them. How do you know someone is genuine? You don't even have to hear the person tell you they love you because their actions are e

Oh how I have underestimated your abilities. Time after time have I been mad at you, or trying my best to protect you when you have been the one protecting me. I have stood back and been the one to watch "love". I've watched it in my parents, in my sisters relationships, my friends, my grandparents, movies and boys. And oh boy how that will fuck you up. My opinion of love was given to me by other people, and as much as I want to blame it on everyone else, its where I personally messed up. I should have this whole time been praying to God on what love is to truly look like. This world will always disappoint and fall short of my expectations. Because let me break down what I saw. Parents- Love is an agreement. An agreement to stay in love. Almost like a business partnership. They didn't ever hold hands, kiss, or even go any where just them, it was always about the family. Like they met each other and realized that between their two traits they could raise some pretty aw

Whats done is done. I talked to my roommate about moving back yesterday and she said she already knew it was coming. She had a dream about it 3 weeks ago and was just waiting for me to finally get it. Kinda frustrating. Well I am going to keep this short, I have just been praying about what this is going to look like and more specifically where i would be living and I got Romans 8:1-17 I think its talking about my surrendering to even agree to come back here. I donno. Ill blog more tomorrow.

This one goes out to the girls. The girls who always heard about beauty but never matched it. The girls who saw love but never experienced it. The girls who sat and listened to those who were being pursued. This is for you. Its not your fault. Its not your fault nobody is thinking about you when they spout off about the blonde at the coffee shop, or your best friend and how beautiful she is. I know the feeling. All through high school I was the girl that you talked to about other girls. I was the one who sat there and nodded her head while my mind raced with all the things I didn't have that these other girls did. I was the girl that answered the phone when she broke up with you. I was the girl that gave you a "break-up basket" full of tools on how to move on.... AND IT WAS A TEENAGE RELATIONSHIP! Like you know what love is. My learned perception of being loved is being beautiful. this is for you if you've ever had this conversation boy-"I want to marry that girl

As my life has been shooting forward, way faster than I had intended I find myself grasping the ground, scraping my nails across the pavement trying to slow down and understand what the HELL is going on. Gods plan for me is clearly different then the plan I had for me, which is really difficult to accept. Not that God hasn't shown me things I could have never seen on my own, but I guess I though God cared about earthly things just a little, just enough to make me feel successful. What does it feel like to feel successful in Gods eyes? Is it a heartwarming feeling? Is it a powerful feeling? Is it a weakened feeling? Is it a loved feeling? It is something I can create without Him? Because Lord knows I will try. Coming home for my birthday I had few expectations. I knew I would see my family and friends, celebrate my birthday, get some laughs, try and refuel and then head back to the land of reality. But no, my heart decided to do some work on its own. I cannot describe the feeling th

I was talking to my Pastor the other day and he asked me the question about my blog, he asked "What process do you feel you are in to finding a loved one?". He said that he noticed the main theme of most of my blogs is that of finding someone to love. I was kind of taken back by this because here I am walking around thinking that my blogs are so empowering and talking about things so important. And here I am hit with the reality I talk about my struggles with love. Not that love isn't an important subject to talk about, but its like "really, im another girl that comes on and complains about love". The only thing I have to complain about is that I can't fully pour my love into someone. It has been proven time and time again that no one can handle it. Especially without me getting hurt in the long run. I want to trust people so quickly, but then I am hit with the reality that people always fail me. Always, its like I walk around expecting that one person not t

I read this quote the other day that said "God gave your heart to someone already and we go on a journey to find it" I am going to have to say I disagree with this. Since I can remember I have been walking around with my heart not on my sleeve, in my hands, I hand it around almost if I am sharing a toy. I am realizing that I cannot stop this, I cannot contain it, I cannot deny it. Its the way I was born, God appointed me this way. And so much of my life I have been mad at God for that but the more I am hurt and disappointed that people don't care about my heart as much as I do, I realize that God needs me this way. Yea I might get hurt, ALOT, but if I am helping people by opening my heart to them at all times then what a true blessing that is for me. My earthly self wants to cry and pout every time my heart hurts, but I should take joy in the pain. Because one day the pain will fade, and the glory will come. It will all have been worth it. I read out of the Bible the othe

We laugh in the car the anticipation of a date together it was always a pleasant experience to spend one on one time with you you showed me how it was to be treated like a lady Listening to music loud windows down heater on funny faces weird words comfortable sober I dance my way out of the car Looking to my date of the evening Dad, are you ok? Dad, what the hell is going on? Dad, why are you falling? Dad! Your words were less playful "Your mother doesn't love me" Have you ever felt your chest pried open? And your heart fall into your own hands and you watch as the cracks scurry to all corners Dad? Are you drunk? The unimaginable this cannot be real I don't know this man I was too young to remember this man GIVE ME MY DAD BACK I dial comfort Home Hello? Mom. Dads drunk Laughter. Mom? The moon lost color the wind lost its sound the reality set in Bring him home Anna A drive through misery the endless minutes the stranger in my car surrounded by air but not excepting an

Even though God provided so greatly for me last month and really rocked my faith, here I am again wondering if God will provide. It just doesnt make sense you know? I mean people are saying "Well He has provided before" but I think "Has He" I mean there have been times that I have asked my parents for money. DO I want to do that? NO! Do I feel bad? YES! Is that God providing? I don't know. I bet my parents sure hope that is not God providing. But as I was praying I got Hebrews 4:12-16 "12For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. 13Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Jesus the Great High Priest 14Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens,[e] Jesus the Son of Go

As I lay here feeling the cold fog rise I ask God to rise me with it The courage the fog has against the sun it doesn't run off when daylight comes It lingers for those who inspire in the dark or for those who need the reminder that we are all fighting for something The drops of rain that dance into my skin the cold refresh of being clean again The shiver I enjoy with its cold embrace I welcome you fog I welcome you As I want to stand up and jump and play like a child in your grey I find myself bound in chains I cannot get away I fight the bondage I want to run into the dark But instead of running I am bound at the start I don't want to be stuck fighting to love My love is so easy because it comes from above But I chose to stay here when freedom has been ofter to me It seemed easier that way because no one expects something from me They would come running saying "Anna I need your hope" But then they would see i'm a slave to my own fear I would come out of the dark

So for those of you who don't know that I prayed for raw faith about 2 months ago, know that you should be prepared for such prayers. I want the faith that believes in miracles and when is following God and needing hope is confident that God will provide. Knowing that I can do nothing, He can do everything. So through it all, through the tears, screaming, processing, more tears, questioning, seeing and believing I am truly chasing the adventure God has for me. He has provided for me this month, financially, emotionally, and has placed people in my life that are showing me miracles all the time. It's crazy how He knows what I need, odd. I was about 125 short on rent and all month ive been praying for God to reveal himself to me in a way that I know He will provide when I do the things that He wants of me. There were a couple times I was going to cancel the plans I had with people because I was trying to book myself on shows, but then that voice, the one that scares me into silen

So I think I am at the age where I want to figure things out on my own. Never before that I thought the majority of my information or opinions has been given to me by my family. I mean if a friend didn't do "this" they were a bad friend and I shouldn't be friends with them anymore and they weren't worth my time (which there is NO one not worth my time) I hate the word "worth and time". And it was even worse when it came to guys. I mean this time I didn't even tell them anything about the guy I met and they were already "be careful, dont have sex with him, i dont trust men" (wonder where my trust issues with guys came from) and just basically negative thoughts about it from the beginning. Which makes me question everything. All the worries I have about relationships I think were given to me by everyone else. Honestly. I wonder if these are really my issues or everyone elses given to me. -----ill continue this later.

Am I the product of brainwash? Am I the perfectly normal? Am I the mirror image of the things I hate? If I am, is it too late? I went on a date recently and it all happened how I have wanted it to happen. We met. We talked. We clicked. He got my number. He asked me on a date. We went on a great date. He asked me on a second. So organic in my opinion. I think of the 40's and 50's and think of how things were then. Or how they were portrait to be then. Where all feelings were real, time was short, and love was alive. Now it seems like feelings are hidden, time is lost, and love is failing. Do we know what to blame it on? Or is there anything to blame but ourselves? How have we, I, gotten so cowardish? It seemed to be if you wanted something you got it, or it was gone. Now if you want something you blog about it, and hope for a "big break" or for the right person to pay attention. Has society told me that if he doesnt call the next day, texted, or facebooked that he is n

So seems that my life has been a rollercoaster of faith. I try to keep sight of God and his work in and out of my life. I can surely celebrate the moments that I see his reward but the moments where I don't see sight of work soon is surely discouraging. And God, I do not resent you for your movement, whether I think its slower than I anticipated. I find progression to be a test in patience. Some days I feel as if I am no closer to my goals, now that may be a lie straight from the whispers of the devil. But its the day by day and wondering if God still has his thumb print in my life and if I am reflecting his work. Chelsea is moving home at the beginning of next month and boy does that just rip a wound right open. She's my best friend and when I followed God's confirmation for us to move in together He really knew what He was doing. But did I know what I was doing? Because I am such a relational person and could spend my days surrounded by people and go to sleep feeling full

Now jobless I claim to want to live the grand adventure of God. But still with my own fears still very much in tact I guess I suppose I expected God to work around them. You know, like work on my level of knowledge and understanding. Well all too quickly when I turn to my Bible am I hit with the fact that the "Adventure" i'm asking for is all too safe for what God truly wants for me and my life. I mean I have known for all too long what God wants me to do and the exact fear embedded right in the middle of that dream God has for me. I want to think of myself as this bad ass fearless human being that doesnt give a damn what anyone thinks, yet here I am, still sitting in the same shell, no hurry to crack myself out of it. Don't get me wrong, I can do things publicly that I know I am no good at, like sing loudly, dance oddly, paint stick figures, make stupid "thats what she said" jokes, I can do all that without care. But when I think of what makes me happiest..

Why would I possibly want to bring a guy into this mess?