There is no wander in my wondering

Now jobless I claim to want to live the grand adventure of God. But still with my own fears still very much in tact I guess I suppose I expected God to work around them. You know, like work on my level of knowledge and understanding. Well all too quickly when I turn to my Bible am I hit with the fact that the "Adventure" i'm asking for is all too safe for what God truly wants for me and my life. I mean I have known for all too long what God wants me to do and the exact fear embedded right in the middle of that dream God has for me. I want to think of myself as this bad ass fearless human being that doesnt give a damn what anyone thinks, yet here I am, still sitting in the same shell, no hurry to crack myself out of it. Don't get me wrong, I can do things publicly that I know I am no good at, like sing loudly, dance oddly, paint stick figures, make stupid "thats what she said" jokes, I can do all that without care. But when I think of what makes me happiest.... thats a different story. Because what I never actually get to be that happy? I mean what if God is wrong? Wow. How blasphemous of me. How truly despicable that is. I look at my open day, with this list in front of me and say "maybe for once, since I claim to want the adventure of God I should open up the Bible before I start anything, and there it is like a sword to my soul, like the screaming whisper ive avoided.

Glatians 1:6-10 'I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel- which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned! As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you the gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned! Am I now trying to win the approval of me, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ'

I dont know about you but OUCH! I dont want to please men! Men should know that by now! If I am not pleasing God and I am not pleasing myself (hehe thats what she said) then who the hell am I pleasing? I am just passing minutes. I love the Billy Joel lyrics that say "you can get what you want or you can just get old" Apparently I love them but dont live them. I need to step up. Ive been all talk too long. Even a saying I read the other day said "Talking gets you no where" Or even Erwin, such a brave soul, asked God why did He ask him to be a public speaker when he gets nervous everytime he goes on stage and he said God told him "Because every time I will meet you there" Gosh, what more do we need? The God of the universe is going to meet me at the place where I am shaking in my skin. Well let the shaking begin.

Wish me luck.