Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

I am not trying to lay out my dirty laundry here but I felt Gods pull for me to write this because some people will relate. We all know what it looks like to fight with our boyfriend/girlfriend, or disagreements I can say. I know that in the past when fighting with close friends that it took one little fight for them to give up. No warning, all the promises in the world put before us but one little fight and they're done. That, obviously, has given me quite a few issues throughout my friendships. Whether it was a feeling of desperation to keep them around (compromising who I am to get them to stay) or it was a feeling of putting myself last so they could feel love I am yet to learn a happy medium between taking care of me and taking care of others the way Christ did. Well having this knowledge I have sought counseling for these issues of abandonment. My longing for love can often come out in a codependent manner and my longing TO love can come out as a "savior complex"

Normally when I am pms-ing or as the doctors might call it "pmdd-ing" I like to look at anything and pretend I have lasers for eyes and then imagine the different ways it would explode or rip apart in front of me. I like to yell, I like to self loath, I like to blame and I like to isolate.  Wanna be friends? This time I am going to ATTEMPT to write something about all the things I love and am working towards. If you could only see the keyboard dents I am leaving as I write this. I am trying to embrace the hard. When things get difficult I like to fix it or find a way to get rid of the feeling of "want". Because guess what? When I want something and I cannot have it.... I am no longer having fun. I shut down, I move on, I shift my attention or I pout hardcore. You might assume me to be a brat or spoiled or something, not true. But the problem I have is when I know I COULD have something if I wanted but I have to CHOOSE not to take it. Some might call this

Remember that one time I wrote that blog about losing and find of ones self? Then after that blog I was meant to go on about my life realizing that I had lost myself but then I wrote a really long confusing blog about it and in that blog I refound myself and went back to normal. This is me. Lost. Still. You know majority of the time when you tell someone or you hear someone say they are lost our immediate reaction is to help them get to where they are meant to be. Like "turn left at the stop sign and go towards the blue building and I will go stand outside". Or "here read this book, I felt the same way you did one time and I read this book and it changed my life". We all know the feeling. When it is lost.... find it. Well when you live one way your whole life, pretty much knowing who you are and what you want and then switch to not being totally sure, not gonna lie....kinda freeing. Because finally admitting you are lost is pretty much dropping what you had on

One would think that once you have "found ones self" it would be impossible to "lose ones self". This is my finding and losing of myself. Being the youngest of the family and having an amazing, driven, overacheving older sister, I found it all too easy to hang out in the background. I am not going to pretend that I didnt have a booming personality that often brought me to the forefront but at the same time I didn't seem to mind being in the background during certain seasons of life. Of which little talent is shown little is to be expected. I played tennis along side my sister and yea I was "good" in the eyes of my tennis coaches and other tennis professionals but tennis was my sisters thing. I would never take that from her and I never really wanted it anyways. Oh the matches that could have gone down between us on national TV would have brought quite the tune in though I must say. No one would even know the name Venus and Serena Williams. My parents

Well I don't know exactly what is going to come out in this blog because I don't have anything in mind to write. I was just worshiping while doing the dishes and I felt God telling me to sit down with the computer. I can think of a couple things in my life that I am going through right now that He is walking me through so I am guessing that is where He is going to take me. Alright, so I have written in blogs previous that I am going to counseling to work on some issues I have with men and boy oh boy (ba dum chh) has it been fun. When I first entered into counseling I was pretty beat up by all the "relationships" I have had in the past. The fear, the pain, the abandonment, the lies, the shallow minded, the objectification, and so on and so on. I wanted to be free of it all, I wanted to know that things get better. That in fact this is not the way to carry on with my brokenness and my "stay the eff away from me" written on my forehead. I knew that it was qui

This blog might be a little out of date because I have been letting this thought brew in my mind for a little while now. This thought came about when I was talking to someone about whether or not a move back to LA would be good for them and their career. Odd of the conversation to have me telling her to stay in Redding. Not like me Anyways, as we all know I am now living in my hometown now. I came back kicking and screaming from LA but I knew that it was the right move because it became undeniable. There are probably still scratch marks on the road from me moving home. Well as I have been here I have been praying and asking God why I am here and when can I move back? Not that Redding isn't nice, and the people are amazing, but there is no industry here. Well then lately I have been hearing talk of this movie studio coming to redding, that actor that is here checking out my home church, this professor here and teaching classes. Basically these big industry puzzle pieces that are s

Well tonight is not what I planned for.... thats for sure. I attended the Holiness conference that was put on my Risen King with my roommates and some friends tonight and I was really excited to hear that Kris Vallotton was speaking because he is a really funny guy. He is the lead pastor of the Moral Revolution for Jesus Culture and I have heard numerous of his talks as well as watched my best friends life transformed in a radical way when it comes to sexual purity. Needless to say I have much respect for him. I was expecting to get goodness about staying sexually pure and how to do so and so on and so on, things that I could give practical application to when it comes to my life. But then he said that God woke him up last night and gave him a word that he was to speak on something different. Wholeness. Ok i'm down with hearing about some wholeness. Lord knows I could use some wholeness. At first he was telling very funny stories about childbirth, his wife, his kids, his grandk

Just a warning, this entry will be a little jumpy. Ill start with my wonderful counselor. She has brought me through some pretty "teary" sessions where I just throw up my issues on the table and she helps me go through them and find some sanity again. I cannot thank her enough for her consistent patience with me as I try and figure all this out. Anyways, this last week I came to her with a quite a bit of self pity and worry. As I begin to open the possibility of being pursued I have met a few different men in a few different venues. As I began "having fun" aka flirting (which is something pretty new to me) anyone that has known me for a while know that I prefer to just be the sarcastic funny friend or at least that is what I was comfortable being. So as I began actually being NICE and allowing them to pursue me I get uncomfortable because this is so new to me that I feel a lack of control. Especially a lack of boundaries because again, this is all so new. I th

I find that my walk with God is much like stumbling through life.  I am walking along just like I know what I am doing and then BOOM I start to fall. It is quite humbling but I have 2 choices as I start to fall...... 1. Allow myself to hit the ground and stay on the ground 2. Grasp onto the cloak of Jesus and let Him help me back up I find life to be challenging, yes I said it, even WITH Jesus. This shit is hard. Learning how to keep myself in check and keep my eyes on Jesus is like running hurdles. I get a good running start, I am confident, I am happy and as my mind starts to wander or as I begin to get impatient and try to set my own pace that is different than Gods is when my foot hits the hurdle and I go flying forward, or backward. I was with a friend the other day and he was talking to me a little bit about his past and he said that he knew that he was walking the wrong path and he felt that God was beginning to take away His protections over him. Which if we really sit an

This blog is an absolute inner struggle between who I think I am and who God intended for me to be. You must know this first, my personality. My personality is one of which the first question that pops into my head when options are presented to me are "Which one would be the most fun?". I love having fun, I love laughing, I love loud noises and bright colors. Its who I am. Which might explain why I took the career route that requires glitter the most. My mom told me that when I was younger the way she motivated me to do any chores was to motivate me with fun. She said that she would ask me to clean my room and I would tell her I would but then she said I always took my sweet time with it. Well then I would want to go to the mall with some friends and I would beg her to go and she would say "sure, clean your room and you can go" and then WHOOSH my room would get cleaned like the Queen was coming for a visit. So this whole paragraph was just to explain my personalit

So here comes the part in my journey where I lay down my identity as the angry feminist that you know not to mess with and pick up my cross. I have been avoiding reading this book because I don't want to be "generalized" as a woman. Having two people think they know what it takes to be a woman and what drives women sounds a little foolish to me and I avoided it to avoid getting frustrated and angry. Well, God is good. After some times weeding through some pain and disappointment and God calling me out I have decided to let go of anger. It doesn't belong in my life. I need to begin to look at men and women through the eyes of love, through the eyes that God intended. Well as I open this book it begins. Oddly enough the book started with talking about all different types of women. Working women, motherly women, sporty women, that non of us are the same. So that was kinda a petting session to my feminist mind. But then it lead into how the Christian society has r