Stranger in my head.
This blog is an absolute inner struggle between who I think I am and who God intended for me to be.
You must know this first, my personality. My personality is one of which the first question that pops into my head when options are presented to me are "Which one would be the most fun?". I love having fun, I love laughing, I love loud noises and bright colors. Its who I am. Which might explain why I took the career route that requires glitter the most. My mom told me that when I was younger the way she motivated me to do any chores was to motivate me with fun. She said that she would ask me to clean my room and I would tell her I would but then she said I always took my sweet time with it. Well then I would want to go to the mall with some friends and I would beg her to go and she would say "sure, clean your room and you can go" and then WHOOSH my room would get cleaned like the Queen was coming for a visit. So this whole paragraph was just to explain my personality.
Well as I have traveled through life I have had my fair share of fun. Not the type of fun that is going to get me into trouble, but the type of fun that brought me lots of laughs, uncountable amount of calories burned because of dancing, not much sleep, and questionable outfit choices. If you needed a friend to drive through the night with, to wear something equally as weird, or to go karaoke-ing with, it was me. You called me. Well as I SLOWLY enter into adulthood my desire for fun hasn't escaped me. Now that my friends are settling down, getting married, having children, reading more and starting to pay back student loans, I on the other hand, am still dancing with strangers on Wed nights, coloring my hair clown red with purple, buying glitter heels just to have glitter heels, painting my nails too often, riding my pink beach cruiser with detachable basket, and speaking inappropriately. Well as I am doing me, and they are doing them I think the concerns for me is going up. Because no one else's life seems to look as similar to mine. When I spend time giggling at the thought of holding hands because it means something serious, they are talking about the best places to honeymoon.
Ok well my internal struggle goes a little something like this:
Man: Hey
Me: Hey
Man: Wanna go out?
Me: Yes.
Me in my head 5 mins later: Wait, why am I going on a date? I am not in a place to date right now? What the hell am I thinking, I have places to go in life and I dont think anyone is down to ride this train quite yet. Crap Anna, now youve got to break the news.
Me: I'm sorry. This isn't a good idea. I am not at a good place in life to date.
Man: Alright.
Me in my head: What the hell Anna, you only live once! Why don't you just go out and have fun and see where it goes? Whats the worst that could happen?
Me: Well..... maybe just one date....
Man: Alright, cool.
Me in my head: That wasn't a good idea. You are gonna start liking him, you don't date that often so this is something kinda serious. What if you fall in love with him? Does he love Jesus? I don't even know if he loves Jesus. Shit.
Me: Do you love Jesus?
Man: ummm no?
Me in my head: Holy hell, what am I doing? Ah. I love JESUS! This won't work.
Me: Its not gonna work.
Man: Um ok...
Me in my head: Well you can at least makeout with him? Hes real cute. Oh come on Anna, live a little. It sounds like a lot of fun. But just makeout, nothing more. Keep it PG.
Me in my head 5 mins later: NO ANNA! RESPECT MEN AND THEIR FEELINGS AND BODIES. Just because they like you and they are attractive gives you no right take advantage of them.
*crickets in the communication between me and a man*
Me: I miss you......
ANNA!!! Do you get it? My struggle between what should and what is? Most people are telling me that it is just me maturing, and it totally could be, but it feels like an internal struggle of having fun, and being a good child of God.
I don't want to snuff out who I am but I don't want to disappoint my Father either.
UPDATE: So I was writing this blog about a certain situation I was in obviously. Well I never got to finish my blog the day I was writing it because of my roommates distracting me (not hard to do), and so there has been about a week in between. Well as this conversation between him and I continued I had been mistaken, he did know Jesus. I don't know where I got things mixed up in between. Well I didn't know how deep his relationship with God went so I told him I would go on a date with him to talk it out. Well quickly after I agreed to go to dinner with him he had said something that seemed a little "red flaggy" to me. So I just straight up told him I was not going to be having sex with him. Needless to go into details we no longer talk. I can understand someone just not being down with that or whatever but he was a little more disrespectful than I was used to. Anyways, lesson in the middle of being learned.... this conversation, this struggle that I have within myself.... I am starting to learn that it is God setting these thoughts into motion. Those thoughts that kept me from diving into it all.
God, when we say "Lord you have my life" sometimes I must leave out my thoughts. I just think that means I will follow you, but to follow you best I must have Your thoughts. Thank you Lord for keeping me out of a possible messy situation. For not having to find out how "strong" or how "weak" I am. Thank you Lord that you never forget about me, I am on Your mind and the least I can give you is my own. Lord continue to walk me through these struggles that I continue with. My struggle to be fun but respectful of myself and others. Remind me that I am not the only one that matters.
You must know this first, my personality. My personality is one of which the first question that pops into my head when options are presented to me are "Which one would be the most fun?". I love having fun, I love laughing, I love loud noises and bright colors. Its who I am. Which might explain why I took the career route that requires glitter the most. My mom told me that when I was younger the way she motivated me to do any chores was to motivate me with fun. She said that she would ask me to clean my room and I would tell her I would but then she said I always took my sweet time with it. Well then I would want to go to the mall with some friends and I would beg her to go and she would say "sure, clean your room and you can go" and then WHOOSH my room would get cleaned like the Queen was coming for a visit. So this whole paragraph was just to explain my personality.
Well as I have traveled through life I have had my fair share of fun. Not the type of fun that is going to get me into trouble, but the type of fun that brought me lots of laughs, uncountable amount of calories burned because of dancing, not much sleep, and questionable outfit choices. If you needed a friend to drive through the night with, to wear something equally as weird, or to go karaoke-ing with, it was me. You called me. Well as I SLOWLY enter into adulthood my desire for fun hasn't escaped me. Now that my friends are settling down, getting married, having children, reading more and starting to pay back student loans, I on the other hand, am still dancing with strangers on Wed nights, coloring my hair clown red with purple, buying glitter heels just to have glitter heels, painting my nails too often, riding my pink beach cruiser with detachable basket, and speaking inappropriately. Well as I am doing me, and they are doing them I think the concerns for me is going up. Because no one else's life seems to look as similar to mine. When I spend time giggling at the thought of holding hands because it means something serious, they are talking about the best places to honeymoon.
Ok well my internal struggle goes a little something like this:
Man: Hey
Me: Hey
Man: Wanna go out?
Me: Yes.
Me in my head 5 mins later: Wait, why am I going on a date? I am not in a place to date right now? What the hell am I thinking, I have places to go in life and I dont think anyone is down to ride this train quite yet. Crap Anna, now youve got to break the news.
Me: I'm sorry. This isn't a good idea. I am not at a good place in life to date.
Man: Alright.
Me in my head: What the hell Anna, you only live once! Why don't you just go out and have fun and see where it goes? Whats the worst that could happen?
Me: Well..... maybe just one date....
Man: Alright, cool.
Me in my head: That wasn't a good idea. You are gonna start liking him, you don't date that often so this is something kinda serious. What if you fall in love with him? Does he love Jesus? I don't even know if he loves Jesus. Shit.
Me: Do you love Jesus?
Man: ummm no?
Me in my head: Holy hell, what am I doing? Ah. I love JESUS! This won't work.
Me: Its not gonna work.
Man: Um ok...
Me in my head: Well you can at least makeout with him? Hes real cute. Oh come on Anna, live a little. It sounds like a lot of fun. But just makeout, nothing more. Keep it PG.
Me in my head 5 mins later: NO ANNA! RESPECT MEN AND THEIR FEELINGS AND BODIES. Just because they like you and they are attractive gives you no right take advantage of them.
*crickets in the communication between me and a man*
Me: I miss you......
ANNA!!! Do you get it? My struggle between what should and what is? Most people are telling me that it is just me maturing, and it totally could be, but it feels like an internal struggle of having fun, and being a good child of God.
I don't want to snuff out who I am but I don't want to disappoint my Father either.
UPDATE: So I was writing this blog about a certain situation I was in obviously. Well I never got to finish my blog the day I was writing it because of my roommates distracting me (not hard to do), and so there has been about a week in between. Well as this conversation between him and I continued I had been mistaken, he did know Jesus. I don't know where I got things mixed up in between. Well I didn't know how deep his relationship with God went so I told him I would go on a date with him to talk it out. Well quickly after I agreed to go to dinner with him he had said something that seemed a little "red flaggy" to me. So I just straight up told him I was not going to be having sex with him. Needless to go into details we no longer talk. I can understand someone just not being down with that or whatever but he was a little more disrespectful than I was used to. Anyways, lesson in the middle of being learned.... this conversation, this struggle that I have within myself.... I am starting to learn that it is God setting these thoughts into motion. Those thoughts that kept me from diving into it all.
God, when we say "Lord you have my life" sometimes I must leave out my thoughts. I just think that means I will follow you, but to follow you best I must have Your thoughts. Thank you Lord for keeping me out of a possible messy situation. For not having to find out how "strong" or how "weak" I am. Thank you Lord that you never forget about me, I am on Your mind and the least I can give you is my own. Lord continue to walk me through these struggles that I continue with. My struggle to be fun but respectful of myself and others. Remind me that I am not the only one that matters.
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