Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Fake and empty are on the same level. Empty promises, empty hugs, empty love. I want intimacy without sex I want love without limits. I want to fall into a spider web of love. I want to try and crawl out but only get wrapped up in it more. I want to be spun so tightly that all i can do is give up and be loved. I don't want to lift up couch cushions to try and find it. I don't want treat it like a lotto ticket and hope for the symbols to match up. I feel as if I am walking around blindfolded, in a dark room, that is the size of the united states, and the room is empty. Like a snowflake falls on your nose, will you fall into my arms? Cause without you....... Im without.

I know this is gonna sound super wierd but if you have read my previous blog then you might not understand. In my previous blog I wrote about how I didn't want my heart anymore and that I wanted God to just take it from me and keep it until He finds someone to give it to. Well in a kind of odd way that is how I feel. My heart hasn't been hurting as much. And when things come around that I know would hurt my heart or make me rub my chest because it was sore, its almost as if I look up to the sky and say "Thank you God" cause its not hurting anymore But some thing rather different is happening. I recognize things that would normally make my heart hurt but then come to the realization that its not my heart that hurts anymore. I don't know what it is and I am yet to figure it out. I think to myself "Is it my brain that hurts? Does it hurt because I know people can do better but they don't? And normally when that happens my heart hurts for them but now its my

I should really just give up with people. Maybe that is why my heart hurts, because it has to find its own love. I try and try and try and do my very best to do what I think is going to make people happy, even if that means its in the long run. And I feel like I get hit with a bulldozer when I see them walk, walking straight, in the right path... good..... no no wait Not there Don't think that way Thats not how is gonna be I swear on it Just hang on a little longer please!!! .............. Its over They have made up their mind. There is no use for me anymore I can go away now Thanks for the help that didn't really mean anything But there is the door. The only thing I take with me are tears. Tears for what could have been. Tears for what still can be. But also tears for what will never be. I give up.

I don't feel the need to explain where this blog is coming from. The only thing i would like to say is that this is from my past experience. It has been two years and i still cannot let go. So two years ago he left. Fuck it hurt. Never to say a word to me again. If I would have known what the outcome of everything was. If I would have known that my heart could feel that much pain. If I would have known that I had to watch him live life with others and not me..... I still would have done everything I did. Weird right? And im sure my heart is really pissed at me about that. So..... hes gay. I mean don't get me wrong I didn't know that when I was falling in love. I thought he liked girls. Me. Well ends up he likes ends up. You know that feeling to where you feel like someone is stepping on your chest, and you have something stuck in your throat, and you are shaking and gagging because you are crying so hard. 4 months. At least. Worst pain ever. Not only has he stopped talking

We all know the song. "You're just too good to be true, Cant take my eyes off of you, You'd be like heaven to touch, I wanna hold you so much" In a way this song has become so evident in my life. God is too good to be true. I don't want to take my eyes off of Him. This might sound a tad wierd. But there has been so many times where there is nothing else I scream other than to have God just hold me. And even though I don't physically get held, or rocked I can feel Him. I feel His hands reach inside and hold my heart. I feel my heart get rocked, and its tears get wiped away. Its almost as if I am a babysitter, God has dropped my heart off at daycare. But vision this, I don't look after it, i let it run around and get knocked into things, put its hand on the burner, play in the mud. And then when God comes back to check on it, its hurt, crying, broken. Then I have to say to God "Im so sorry, i don't know what went wrong, Im a bad babysitter. You shou

Its not a literal term. hehe So what I am talking about is staying a virgin. Its hard. Why am I the one that decided to make the choice? So I am gonna write a book of all the difficult times. Possibly sounding like a romance novel but without the sex. Oh yea, you know what that means. Im hella gonna write all the dirties in here. I mean God, im not gonna do it, so IM SURE AS HELL GONNA TALK ABOUT IT. The book is going to be called "Heart of a virgin, mind of a whore" Hold on tight!

I want everyone to know that I am not anti-sex. I just didn't know when I made the promise to stay a virgin till marriage it was gonna be this hard. And im gonna talk about it.