I loved you first
I don't feel the need to explain where this blog is coming from. The only thing i would like to say is that this is from my past experience. It has been two years and i still cannot let go.
So two years ago he left.
Fuck it hurt.
Never to say a word to me again.
If I would have known what the outcome of everything was.
If I would have known that my heart could feel that much pain.
If I would have known that I had to watch him live life with others and not me.....
I still would have done everything I did.
Weird right?
And im sure my heart is really pissed at me about that.
So..... hes gay.
I mean don't get me wrong I didn't know that when I was falling in love.
I thought he liked girls.
Me.
Well ends up he likes ends up.
You know that feeling to where you feel like someone is stepping on your chest, and you have something stuck in your throat, and you are shaking and gagging because you are crying so hard.
4 months.
At least.
Worst pain ever.
Not only has he stopped talking to me.
Cut me off dry.
But now he is living with a man.
Loving a man.
Do you understand that?
I was jealous of another man!!!
I would compare myself to someone that could grow hair on his face and back.
Is that what I needed to be, a hair face and back girl.
I could do that.
But what I came to realize after a year.
A year of looking at his myspace.
A year of sending him e mails, myspaces, text messages.
I realized....
He didn't want me.
HE JUST DIDN'T WANT ME!!!!!
That took about another 4 months of crying.
I am still a constant viewer of his page. Just to see how he is doing.
Who he is with.
How they treat him.
How he looks.
And eventually it stopped hurting.
Until about 2 days ago.
I saw him,
and HER!
WTF?!?!?!?
A girl????
no no no no no no Oh please God no.
I can understand if I am not what he wants because I don't have a penis.
But understand this.
NO one can EVER love you as much as I do.
She will NEVER give you even a fraction of what I would give you.
Her heart will never swell with love so deep for you as mine will.
Never.
I would sacrifice time.
I would sacrifce looks.
I would sacrifice happiness with any other person on earth if it meant we could be happy together again.
She won't do that. I know she wont.
You are my other half baby.
I am walking around with only half of me.
Half of the happiness I could have if I was with you.
Half of the heart that could beat only for you.
Half of the life as I could have if I was with you
Half of the love that I could possibly have with any other person other than you.
My half is screaming, searching, crawling for its other half.
You are it.
I hate kids. Never wanted them. Never want them.
But I wanted my half and your half to walk around with us.
At the market, the park, the house.
She might be cuter than me.
She might be skinnier than me.
She might be more successful than me.
She might be funnier than me.
She might be smarter than me.
But one day you will come home to her, and wish it was me.
Because one day all those things will fade,
become unimportant,
almost useless and there will still be a girl,
imperfections and all,
sitting at home with her heart on her sleeve,
her head in her hands willing to give you everything she couldn't.
In my life, i'll love you more.
So two years ago he left.
Fuck it hurt.
Never to say a word to me again.
If I would have known what the outcome of everything was.
If I would have known that my heart could feel that much pain.
If I would have known that I had to watch him live life with others and not me.....
I still would have done everything I did.
Weird right?
And im sure my heart is really pissed at me about that.
So..... hes gay.
I mean don't get me wrong I didn't know that when I was falling in love.
I thought he liked girls.
Me.
Well ends up he likes ends up.
You know that feeling to where you feel like someone is stepping on your chest, and you have something stuck in your throat, and you are shaking and gagging because you are crying so hard.
4 months.
At least.
Worst pain ever.
Not only has he stopped talking to me.
Cut me off dry.
But now he is living with a man.
Loving a man.
Do you understand that?
I was jealous of another man!!!
I would compare myself to someone that could grow hair on his face and back.
Is that what I needed to be, a hair face and back girl.
I could do that.
But what I came to realize after a year.
A year of looking at his myspace.
A year of sending him e mails, myspaces, text messages.
I realized....
He didn't want me.
HE JUST DIDN'T WANT ME!!!!!
That took about another 4 months of crying.
I am still a constant viewer of his page. Just to see how he is doing.
Who he is with.
How they treat him.
How he looks.
And eventually it stopped hurting.
Until about 2 days ago.
I saw him,
and HER!
WTF?!?!?!?
A girl????
no no no no no no Oh please God no.
I can understand if I am not what he wants because I don't have a penis.
But understand this.
NO one can EVER love you as much as I do.
She will NEVER give you even a fraction of what I would give you.
Her heart will never swell with love so deep for you as mine will.
Never.
I would sacrifice time.
I would sacrifce looks.
I would sacrifice happiness with any other person on earth if it meant we could be happy together again.
She won't do that. I know she wont.
You are my other half baby.
I am walking around with only half of me.
Half of the happiness I could have if I was with you.
Half of the heart that could beat only for you.
Half of the life as I could have if I was with you
Half of the love that I could possibly have with any other person other than you.
My half is screaming, searching, crawling for its other half.
You are it.
I hate kids. Never wanted them. Never want them.
But I wanted my half and your half to walk around with us.
At the market, the park, the house.
She might be cuter than me.
She might be skinnier than me.
She might be more successful than me.
She might be funnier than me.
She might be smarter than me.
But one day you will come home to her, and wish it was me.
Because one day all those things will fade,
become unimportant,
almost useless and there will still be a girl,
imperfections and all,
sitting at home with her heart on her sleeve,
her head in her hands willing to give you everything she couldn't.
In my life, i'll love you more.
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