Open, ready, go.
Well tonight is not what I planned for.... thats for sure.
I attended the Holiness conference that was put on my Risen King with my roommates and some friends tonight and I was really excited to hear that Kris Vallotton was speaking because he is a really funny guy. He is the lead pastor of the Moral Revolution for Jesus Culture and I have heard numerous of his talks as well as watched my best friends life transformed in a radical way when it comes to sexual purity. Needless to say I have much respect for him. I was expecting to get goodness about staying sexually pure and how to do so and so on and so on, things that I could give practical application to when it comes to my life. But then he said that God woke him up last night and gave him a word that he was to speak on something different. Wholeness.
Ok i'm down with hearing about some wholeness. Lord knows I could use some wholeness. At first he was telling very funny stories about childbirth, his wife, his kids, his grandkids, healings that have happened at Bethel and so on and so on. Then he talked about the soul, spirit and body and their connection that is so beyond our understanding. Then he talked about the connection that is IN our understanding. Such as when the body is in pain the spirit and soul can suffer and visa versa. I can relate with this because when I hurt my back and was dependent on pain killers and light activity I became depressed, hopeless and angry. He talked about when Jesus healed the sick He didn't just heal their body but their soul and spirit as well so they could stay healthy. Crazy when you think about the connection that our body can have with our soul and spirit.
He then went into a small spurt about how we need attention, affection and love. This is where shit got real for me.
This morning I sat at my kitchen table with one of my very best friends and cried. I cried as I told her that I am ready for a relationship. You would think that through all of my blog entries that maybe that would be a little obvious but in actuality I have my moments of being lonely, or needing to vent and then I will go back into diving into my career or whatever it is that I give attention to at the time. I never have really had a consistent desire to have a relationship other than for selfish reasons of what I feel like I am missing. I write to my future husband but I am writing it in a way where I don't want to meet him for a little while because I feel like he would hold me back or snuff out my passions. I want my passion to be on my career.
Also, if we were to give a little back story.... growing up I was surrounded by very strong women. My mom is VERY strong and a "I don't need anyone or anything" mentality. She raised my sister and I to know that we don't need men. We don't need their affirmation, we don't need their approval and ESPECIALLY don't need their leadership. We are women that lead ourselves. We are women filled with the passions of God and we are women worth fighting for, we are women who are not easily swayed, we are lions, hear us roar. If a man even showed a small inkling that he wasn't worth our "one in a million selves" it was NEXT and we were moving on to the next man that needed to prove himself before us royalty.
There are ups and downs to this mentality. Ups, I am capable, I am strong, I am confident, I am alone and I know how to be happy and fulfilled WITH or WITHOUT a man. Because I have never been in a relationship I know very well that I can do life on my own.
Downs, pushing people away who treat us like we need them, coming off as bitches, a false sense of what "strength" is, and almost a "princess" syndrome.
I am thankful for how I was raised but as we read through the many pages of my blog I had become angry that no man was perfect for me, they were all disappointments and that life needed to be done alone.
Ok back to my point. Whenever I felt lonely or wanted attention from a man I felt like what I was feeling was wrong. That in fact those are weaknesses coming through and a desperation for love. Well Kris said this "if we don't acknowledge that the need is there, we will not take the time to manage it" OUCH! Lately I have been talking to a few different guys, guys that I do not choose to be with in the long run, but men I choose to practice my "flirting" with. Because trust me..... I NEED PRACTICE. homeschooled. homeschooled. Well with this recent attention I have seemed to kinda juggled my way through it. Not really knowing how to react when I seem them out dancing, not knowing what to say when the compliment me, not knowing when is ok and not ok to hang out with them, not knowing what is appropriate to share with them, emotionally, not knowing what feelings they are actually growing for me. Needless to say I feel that I don't have clear boundaries and I feel a little out of control with the attention. I like being in control. So this recent attention has made me uncomfortable but yet I don't want the attention to stop. I keep going out dancing, I keep talking to them and texting them back, I keep playing with the thought of making out with all of them... AT DIFFERENT TIMES, GEEZ! Im not a skank. haha ish. Anyways all the while keeping the mentality that I DONT need them and that I am totally ok with being alone. Then why can I not seem to send them away, they arent my prince charming, they are more like the Gustan, you know from beauty and the beast. Like DOUCHE CITY but kinda a shoulder shrug of "eh why not".
WELL, with Kris and what he had said about if you don't acknowledge it you don't know how to manage it was like a punch to the tummy. Wow, I want a relationship and I am looking for it in unhealthy ways. I want to care for someone, I am ready to care for someone. I am ready to open up parts of my life for someone to step in and stay. I am ready for the possibility of someone caring for me and my goals. Wow, it is so freeing to say it out loud. When I sat at the kitchen table and cried because it was weird to admit that I am ready for such a relationship I was acknowledging my wants for attention and affection. NOW that I have the acknowledgment, well, I can start sending away the douche bags huh? Because now that I admit that I want something special I can fully submit myself to waiting for that healthy relationship, that man who is going to take care of me.
I feel like if I kept up with these different men while acknowledging the part of me that is in want then I am setting myself up to give something to them that I truly want to keep for the one deserving.
FREEDOM!
Husband,
wow! how exciting is this. Your future lady is taking steps towards finding you. Take PRACTICAL steps on weeding out the bad so I can invite in the good. You would be so proud of me right now I bet. Well you will be one day huh? Wow, to think as I am walking down the aisle all that has gone into that moment. Shit, pressure is on to make it special huh? Gosh I really wanted a small wedding but now I want the world to see the faces of those who have worked so hard for each other. What a ministry we will start. My heart is full with hope tonight.
I hope yours is too. NOW COME TO MAMA!
I attended the Holiness conference that was put on my Risen King with my roommates and some friends tonight and I was really excited to hear that Kris Vallotton was speaking because he is a really funny guy. He is the lead pastor of the Moral Revolution for Jesus Culture and I have heard numerous of his talks as well as watched my best friends life transformed in a radical way when it comes to sexual purity. Needless to say I have much respect for him. I was expecting to get goodness about staying sexually pure and how to do so and so on and so on, things that I could give practical application to when it comes to my life. But then he said that God woke him up last night and gave him a word that he was to speak on something different. Wholeness.
Ok i'm down with hearing about some wholeness. Lord knows I could use some wholeness. At first he was telling very funny stories about childbirth, his wife, his kids, his grandkids, healings that have happened at Bethel and so on and so on. Then he talked about the soul, spirit and body and their connection that is so beyond our understanding. Then he talked about the connection that is IN our understanding. Such as when the body is in pain the spirit and soul can suffer and visa versa. I can relate with this because when I hurt my back and was dependent on pain killers and light activity I became depressed, hopeless and angry. He talked about when Jesus healed the sick He didn't just heal their body but their soul and spirit as well so they could stay healthy. Crazy when you think about the connection that our body can have with our soul and spirit.
He then went into a small spurt about how we need attention, affection and love. This is where shit got real for me.
This morning I sat at my kitchen table with one of my very best friends and cried. I cried as I told her that I am ready for a relationship. You would think that through all of my blog entries that maybe that would be a little obvious but in actuality I have my moments of being lonely, or needing to vent and then I will go back into diving into my career or whatever it is that I give attention to at the time. I never have really had a consistent desire to have a relationship other than for selfish reasons of what I feel like I am missing. I write to my future husband but I am writing it in a way where I don't want to meet him for a little while because I feel like he would hold me back or snuff out my passions. I want my passion to be on my career.
Also, if we were to give a little back story.... growing up I was surrounded by very strong women. My mom is VERY strong and a "I don't need anyone or anything" mentality. She raised my sister and I to know that we don't need men. We don't need their affirmation, we don't need their approval and ESPECIALLY don't need their leadership. We are women that lead ourselves. We are women filled with the passions of God and we are women worth fighting for, we are women who are not easily swayed, we are lions, hear us roar. If a man even showed a small inkling that he wasn't worth our "one in a million selves" it was NEXT and we were moving on to the next man that needed to prove himself before us royalty.
There are ups and downs to this mentality. Ups, I am capable, I am strong, I am confident, I am alone and I know how to be happy and fulfilled WITH or WITHOUT a man. Because I have never been in a relationship I know very well that I can do life on my own.
Downs, pushing people away who treat us like we need them, coming off as bitches, a false sense of what "strength" is, and almost a "princess" syndrome.
I am thankful for how I was raised but as we read through the many pages of my blog I had become angry that no man was perfect for me, they were all disappointments and that life needed to be done alone.
Ok back to my point. Whenever I felt lonely or wanted attention from a man I felt like what I was feeling was wrong. That in fact those are weaknesses coming through and a desperation for love. Well Kris said this "if we don't acknowledge that the need is there, we will not take the time to manage it" OUCH! Lately I have been talking to a few different guys, guys that I do not choose to be with in the long run, but men I choose to practice my "flirting" with. Because trust me..... I NEED PRACTICE. homeschooled. homeschooled. Well with this recent attention I have seemed to kinda juggled my way through it. Not really knowing how to react when I seem them out dancing, not knowing what to say when the compliment me, not knowing when is ok and not ok to hang out with them, not knowing what is appropriate to share with them, emotionally, not knowing what feelings they are actually growing for me. Needless to say I feel that I don't have clear boundaries and I feel a little out of control with the attention. I like being in control. So this recent attention has made me uncomfortable but yet I don't want the attention to stop. I keep going out dancing, I keep talking to them and texting them back, I keep playing with the thought of making out with all of them... AT DIFFERENT TIMES, GEEZ! Im not a skank. haha ish. Anyways all the while keeping the mentality that I DONT need them and that I am totally ok with being alone. Then why can I not seem to send them away, they arent my prince charming, they are more like the Gustan, you know from beauty and the beast. Like DOUCHE CITY but kinda a shoulder shrug of "eh why not".
WELL, with Kris and what he had said about if you don't acknowledge it you don't know how to manage it was like a punch to the tummy. Wow, I want a relationship and I am looking for it in unhealthy ways. I want to care for someone, I am ready to care for someone. I am ready to open up parts of my life for someone to step in and stay. I am ready for the possibility of someone caring for me and my goals. Wow, it is so freeing to say it out loud. When I sat at the kitchen table and cried because it was weird to admit that I am ready for such a relationship I was acknowledging my wants for attention and affection. NOW that I have the acknowledgment, well, I can start sending away the douche bags huh? Because now that I admit that I want something special I can fully submit myself to waiting for that healthy relationship, that man who is going to take care of me.
I feel like if I kept up with these different men while acknowledging the part of me that is in want then I am setting myself up to give something to them that I truly want to keep for the one deserving.
FREEDOM!
Husband,
wow! how exciting is this. Your future lady is taking steps towards finding you. Take PRACTICAL steps on weeding out the bad so I can invite in the good. You would be so proud of me right now I bet. Well you will be one day huh? Wow, to think as I am walking down the aisle all that has gone into that moment. Shit, pressure is on to make it special huh? Gosh I really wanted a small wedding but now I want the world to see the faces of those who have worked so hard for each other. What a ministry we will start. My heart is full with hope tonight.
I hope yours is too. NOW COME TO MAMA!
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