Living inspirations
Just a warning, this entry will be a little jumpy.
Ill start with my wonderful counselor. She has brought me through some pretty "teary" sessions where I just throw up my issues on the table and she helps me go through them and find some sanity again. I cannot thank her enough for her consistent patience with me as I try and figure all this out.
Anyways, this last week I came to her with a quite a bit of self pity and worry. As I begin to open the possibility of being pursued I have met a few different men in a few different venues. As I began "having fun" aka flirting (which is something pretty new to me) anyone that has known me for a while know that I prefer to just be the sarcastic funny friend or at least that is what I was comfortable being. So as I began actually being NICE and allowing them to pursue me I get uncomfortable because this is so new to me that I feel a lack of control. Especially a lack of boundaries because again, this is all so new.
I think my fear of the "lack of control" might stem from my church growing up. I was taught in such a way that was giving me shame before I had even done anything wrong. It was like "avoid sin at all cost it will kill you and everyone around you" so I tip toed around my life with Jesus. Now that my life has been completely transformed with the colliding of Jesus with my heart I know my walk with Him is so much different than that. But there comes times in my walk where I feel I have done something wrong or feel convicted in some way and its hard not to go back to my old way of thinking of what a disappointment I must be to God and to the world. Well my counselor sweetly tells me a story in the Bible that relates to my situation. She believed that God gave her a revelation to share with some of her clients and I was lucky enough to be one. She was talking about Abraham and Sara and how they became impatient to Gods promises for them and took matters into their own hands. Well when it came time for God to follow through with His promise He then didn't even acknowledge Abraham and Saras disobedience because of their sincere repentance and also He delights in their obedience. God wants to delight in our obedience and as long as we are walking our life out of convictions then how could God not want to give us grace because we are human. Why would the God that has SO many dreams placed into me want me to focus on my slip ups and not the 24 years I have delighted in Him. It was such a good word that really snuffed out so many lies and awoken almost a type of pride in me. Such as, YEA! I AM GODS DAUGHTER AND HE IS SO PROUD OF ME. I AM SO STRONG WHEN HE IS WITH ME. come on! good stuff.
Well the second thing was when she spoke to me about my body, soul, and spirit. The reasons to have boundaries of who you share each of those with and why it is important to protect certain areas of your life. We talked about how opening your spirit in not appropriate times and how that might allow other spirits to enter in. About how you want to share things that are deep an intimate with people who are really going to protect you and your spirit. Such a beautiful conversation. It made so much sense to me.
Last but not least Aimee McPherson. COME ON! As I am struggling through this stuff about tip toeing in my walk with God and being so afraid to do wrong I get to read the story of Aimee in my writers group. What an amazing story. I may had pulled so much more out of it than anyone else reading it because it was such an inspiration. Here was a woman who had such a dream of Gods that she didn't even take into consideration any social norms. I mean women couldn't even vote back then and she just walked through the expectation of what a woman was supposed to look like and didn't apologize for it. She was a woman that became unstoppable. Even through her 3 failed marriages she did not let that bring her down. The amount of shame that society itself probably placed on her went unnoticed by her.... it seems. I do not actually know what was going on in her heart but it sounds like Jesus was taking up so much room that there was not any room for discouragement. I just think of the fact that this was so long ago and in a time where women were oppressed. I feel like its only fair to compare her to maybe Lady Gaga of our time. just the unexpected, unimaginable, unlikely character that would be changing the world for God. I could see so many "christians" saying that Lady Gaga was not allowed or valid to change the world for God because of the way we view her, but thats what made Aimee AIMEE! She just marched through the words of people. So inspiring.
I warned you that this would be jumpy so I hope that you didn't mind. I also hope that none of you mind that I rarely proof read my stuff. I am usually so emotionally exhausted that I just want to close my computer.
God I pray that you invade everyones heart that is struggling with unworthiness or that is tip toeing their way through life. Because like Abraham and Sara we can truly live in Your grace for us. You love us enough to keep us moving forward. I thank you Lord all the time for Karissa and what she brings to my life and how her counsel and wisdom is brought into so many situations in my life. God I praise you for women like Aimee and her boldness to never stop. God I pray that my passion for Your plan for me continues to burn and that I don't rest until you ask me to. Thank you for Your grace and I will gladly take all that you have.
Love Your stumbling princess.
Ill start with my wonderful counselor. She has brought me through some pretty "teary" sessions where I just throw up my issues on the table and she helps me go through them and find some sanity again. I cannot thank her enough for her consistent patience with me as I try and figure all this out.
Anyways, this last week I came to her with a quite a bit of self pity and worry. As I begin to open the possibility of being pursued I have met a few different men in a few different venues. As I began "having fun" aka flirting (which is something pretty new to me) anyone that has known me for a while know that I prefer to just be the sarcastic funny friend or at least that is what I was comfortable being. So as I began actually being NICE and allowing them to pursue me I get uncomfortable because this is so new to me that I feel a lack of control. Especially a lack of boundaries because again, this is all so new.
I think my fear of the "lack of control" might stem from my church growing up. I was taught in such a way that was giving me shame before I had even done anything wrong. It was like "avoid sin at all cost it will kill you and everyone around you" so I tip toed around my life with Jesus. Now that my life has been completely transformed with the colliding of Jesus with my heart I know my walk with Him is so much different than that. But there comes times in my walk where I feel I have done something wrong or feel convicted in some way and its hard not to go back to my old way of thinking of what a disappointment I must be to God and to the world. Well my counselor sweetly tells me a story in the Bible that relates to my situation. She believed that God gave her a revelation to share with some of her clients and I was lucky enough to be one. She was talking about Abraham and Sara and how they became impatient to Gods promises for them and took matters into their own hands. Well when it came time for God to follow through with His promise He then didn't even acknowledge Abraham and Saras disobedience because of their sincere repentance and also He delights in their obedience. God wants to delight in our obedience and as long as we are walking our life out of convictions then how could God not want to give us grace because we are human. Why would the God that has SO many dreams placed into me want me to focus on my slip ups and not the 24 years I have delighted in Him. It was such a good word that really snuffed out so many lies and awoken almost a type of pride in me. Such as, YEA! I AM GODS DAUGHTER AND HE IS SO PROUD OF ME. I AM SO STRONG WHEN HE IS WITH ME. come on! good stuff.
Well the second thing was when she spoke to me about my body, soul, and spirit. The reasons to have boundaries of who you share each of those with and why it is important to protect certain areas of your life. We talked about how opening your spirit in not appropriate times and how that might allow other spirits to enter in. About how you want to share things that are deep an intimate with people who are really going to protect you and your spirit. Such a beautiful conversation. It made so much sense to me.
Last but not least Aimee McPherson. COME ON! As I am struggling through this stuff about tip toeing in my walk with God and being so afraid to do wrong I get to read the story of Aimee in my writers group. What an amazing story. I may had pulled so much more out of it than anyone else reading it because it was such an inspiration. Here was a woman who had such a dream of Gods that she didn't even take into consideration any social norms. I mean women couldn't even vote back then and she just walked through the expectation of what a woman was supposed to look like and didn't apologize for it. She was a woman that became unstoppable. Even through her 3 failed marriages she did not let that bring her down. The amount of shame that society itself probably placed on her went unnoticed by her.... it seems. I do not actually know what was going on in her heart but it sounds like Jesus was taking up so much room that there was not any room for discouragement. I just think of the fact that this was so long ago and in a time where women were oppressed. I feel like its only fair to compare her to maybe Lady Gaga of our time. just the unexpected, unimaginable, unlikely character that would be changing the world for God. I could see so many "christians" saying that Lady Gaga was not allowed or valid to change the world for God because of the way we view her, but thats what made Aimee AIMEE! She just marched through the words of people. So inspiring.
I warned you that this would be jumpy so I hope that you didn't mind. I also hope that none of you mind that I rarely proof read my stuff. I am usually so emotionally exhausted that I just want to close my computer.
God I pray that you invade everyones heart that is struggling with unworthiness or that is tip toeing their way through life. Because like Abraham and Sara we can truly live in Your grace for us. You love us enough to keep us moving forward. I thank you Lord all the time for Karissa and what she brings to my life and how her counsel and wisdom is brought into so many situations in my life. God I praise you for women like Aimee and her boldness to never stop. God I pray that my passion for Your plan for me continues to burn and that I don't rest until you ask me to. Thank you for Your grace and I will gladly take all that you have.
Love Your stumbling princess.
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