This side of success
One would think that once you have "found ones self" it would be impossible to "lose ones self". This is my finding and losing of myself.
Being the youngest of the family and having an amazing, driven, overacheving older sister, I found it all too easy to hang out in the background. I am not going to pretend that I didnt have a booming personality that often brought me to the forefront but at the same time I didn't seem to mind being in the background during certain seasons of life. Of which little talent is shown little is to be expected. I played tennis along side my sister and yea I was "good" in the eyes of my tennis coaches and other tennis professionals but tennis was my sisters thing. I would never take that from her and I never really wanted it anyways. Oh the matches that could have gone down between us on national TV would have brought quite the tune in though I must say. No one would even know the name Venus and Serena Williams. My parents always told us that we could be whatever we wanted to be if only we could figure out what it is we wanted. They were encouraging of any career we showed interest in, even my "im gonna be a cowgirl when i grow up, no no a American Gladiator (Which I often wonder was my true calling)" but my sister knew very early what she wanted to be. As for me? I pretty much relyed on whatever sparked my interest in the moment or was shiniest. Needless to say when God spoke any type of plan into my life I clinged on.
Recently I was thinking of what big changes the littlest decisions would have made when I was younger. When I entered public school when I was 13 I was overwhelmed with choices of classes that I was taking or could take. I signed up for art my freshman year and about 2 days in someone came into my class and recruited for drama class. It sounded fun and I can remember so many people in my life when I was getting older telling me that they were going to be looking out for me on Letterman or Leno so I decided to give it a whirl. Well something sparked in me in drama class, I loved it and it pretty much made my highschool expereince. Bringing that outside of highschool was hard though cause my other passion on the side was makeup and that seemed a little more promising. I went to makeup school and was and am totally fullfilled, well I mean all the while wondering what it would have looked like for me trying to act. But happy non the less.
The pull between the two has been mostly ignored but now I find myself at a grasp of what I am and maybe what I was supposed to be. Often I find myself not being able to have a deep convo or creative convo about the evolution of beauty, makeup, and fashion. I find myself hitting a wall with most people and I guess lately its been making me creativly depressed, is that possible? Why yes of course it is because I am experiencing it. It has gotten me to a point of wanting to reach out for anything creative which leads me back to acting. (if you cannot tell by how jumbled this blog is this is times 10 in my mind). A convo made me realize today that two colossol people in my life are gone and so are the conversations which made me feel inspired.... creatively. Lyn and Jesse Rosten. I have never felt more supported and rooted forth than by these two. They live in the land of creative exhaustion. They had all the silly conversations with me that started like this "ok, what if we took a cat and......" God I didn't realize how important those throw around ideas were to me. I miss them dearly today.
I don't know where this conversation was supposed to lead me but maybe just releasing these thoughts from my head were necassary. I just want greatness. I want the name of God to be written in all the pages of my life. I want my success to be shared and I want to spoil those who deserve it. I want to be challenged. I want more than what I have now. Expand my understanding of where I am Jesus. Walk through these hallways with me and keep me from opening any doors that don't have my name on it. Lead me to my grand dressing room and help get me ready for an appearance in Your greatness. Grant me patience and let me see the beauty in this wading pool I am in. Guide me to a whirpool of Your wonders.
Being the youngest of the family and having an amazing, driven, overacheving older sister, I found it all too easy to hang out in the background. I am not going to pretend that I didnt have a booming personality that often brought me to the forefront but at the same time I didn't seem to mind being in the background during certain seasons of life. Of which little talent is shown little is to be expected. I played tennis along side my sister and yea I was "good" in the eyes of my tennis coaches and other tennis professionals but tennis was my sisters thing. I would never take that from her and I never really wanted it anyways. Oh the matches that could have gone down between us on national TV would have brought quite the tune in though I must say. No one would even know the name Venus and Serena Williams. My parents always told us that we could be whatever we wanted to be if only we could figure out what it is we wanted. They were encouraging of any career we showed interest in, even my "im gonna be a cowgirl when i grow up, no no a American Gladiator (Which I often wonder was my true calling)" but my sister knew very early what she wanted to be. As for me? I pretty much relyed on whatever sparked my interest in the moment or was shiniest. Needless to say when God spoke any type of plan into my life I clinged on.
Recently I was thinking of what big changes the littlest decisions would have made when I was younger. When I entered public school when I was 13 I was overwhelmed with choices of classes that I was taking or could take. I signed up for art my freshman year and about 2 days in someone came into my class and recruited for drama class. It sounded fun and I can remember so many people in my life when I was getting older telling me that they were going to be looking out for me on Letterman or Leno so I decided to give it a whirl. Well something sparked in me in drama class, I loved it and it pretty much made my highschool expereince. Bringing that outside of highschool was hard though cause my other passion on the side was makeup and that seemed a little more promising. I went to makeup school and was and am totally fullfilled, well I mean all the while wondering what it would have looked like for me trying to act. But happy non the less.
The pull between the two has been mostly ignored but now I find myself at a grasp of what I am and maybe what I was supposed to be. Often I find myself not being able to have a deep convo or creative convo about the evolution of beauty, makeup, and fashion. I find myself hitting a wall with most people and I guess lately its been making me creativly depressed, is that possible? Why yes of course it is because I am experiencing it. It has gotten me to a point of wanting to reach out for anything creative which leads me back to acting. (if you cannot tell by how jumbled this blog is this is times 10 in my mind). A convo made me realize today that two colossol people in my life are gone and so are the conversations which made me feel inspired.... creatively. Lyn and Jesse Rosten. I have never felt more supported and rooted forth than by these two. They live in the land of creative exhaustion. They had all the silly conversations with me that started like this "ok, what if we took a cat and......" God I didn't realize how important those throw around ideas were to me. I miss them dearly today.
I don't know where this conversation was supposed to lead me but maybe just releasing these thoughts from my head were necassary. I just want greatness. I want the name of God to be written in all the pages of my life. I want my success to be shared and I want to spoil those who deserve it. I want to be challenged. I want more than what I have now. Expand my understanding of where I am Jesus. Walk through these hallways with me and keep me from opening any doors that don't have my name on it. Lead me to my grand dressing room and help get me ready for an appearance in Your greatness. Grant me patience and let me see the beauty in this wading pool I am in. Guide me to a whirpool of Your wonders.
Comments