God loves that I am trying
Well I don't know exactly what is going to come out in this blog because I don't have anything in mind to write. I was just worshiping while doing the dishes and I felt God telling me to sit down with the computer. I can think of a couple things in my life that I am going through right now that He is walking me through so I am guessing that is where He is going to take me.
Alright, so I have written in blogs previous that I am going to counseling to work on some issues I have with men and boy oh boy (ba dum chh) has it been fun. When I first entered into counseling I was pretty beat up by all the "relationships" I have had in the past. The fear, the pain, the abandonment, the lies, the shallow minded, the objectification, and so on and so on. I wanted to be free of it all, I wanted to know that things get better. That in fact this is not the way to carry on with my brokenness and my "stay the eff away from me" written on my forehead. I knew that it was quite unbecoming. As I dove head first into it I had realization after realization and those lead me to do a general apology to men in general. They did not deserve what I have decided about them all because of what a few had done.
After receiving some inner healing with that the next step was taking my "get away from me now" off of my forehead. It became concerning to me when numerous of my friends had confronted me saying that I am very short and stand offish with guys giving them the signal that I did not want to talk to them when in fact in my mind I am thinking the opposite. So through some more counseling sessions and time with Papa we had agreed to slowly take my sign down and open myself to being pursued. I guess it wasn't really slowly taking it down but rather taking it down, throwing it back up, taking it down, throwing it back up and then really deciding to keep it down. Well during this time of transition was when I was going out dancing quite a lot (dancing queen, yes yes I am) and well I was opening myself to be pursued by all the wrong guys. I was trying out this flirting thing and found it quite fun. They were saying nice things, they were "pursuing", they were leading me straight into a dark room. They were treating me like an object and after I realized that (not a fun realization) I decided to treat them the same. You are there for my entertainment, you are no longer soul, spirit and flesh but rather something to play with. Then came the unexpected "well I really enjoy your company and you aren't like the other girls I talk to, you have a personality" and then POOF I needed out. It hurt me knowing that I didn't take someone elses feelings into consideration. I felt that I had failed them and that is NOT who I am. And you know why thats not who I am? Because I was made to be a woman of intention, a woman of pursuit, a woman of deep care and affection.
Back to counseling (obviously) and now we are talking about how to be open to being pursued but in a healthy way. When in reality I am thinking (I can't do this, I have done this thing with emotions and that is what landed me in counseling. Is caring so deeply about someone only to have them flutter their eyes and treat me like a doormat).
Back in high school I used to be that girl that would bring you coffee if you weren't smiling like you normally did that day. Or the girl that would take you to lunch because I loved making life better for you. Or the girl that made a "breakup box" when you just broke up with someone after a year of dating them. Or the girl that dug through the trash because someone stole your phone and threw it away. Or the girl that told you how wonderful you were just hoping to speak some life into existence. Or the girl that took you home every day from school for 3 months because your car was broken just to spend that extra 15 mins a day with you. A girl that picked a flower and then wrote something beautiful about you on each petal.
But after a while of watching the coffee hit the trash without a thank you. To watch you date my best friend behind my back all the while promising that I am your girl. After being told I was the girl to marry but not the girl to date. After watching you take that flower and turn around and give it to another girl. After a year and a half friendship of pure bliss, showing me what I want in a man, telling you how I feel and then a week later have you never talk to me again, as if you died, watching an expressionless face as I weep in front of you.....
Well, my heart hardened. The pain was so deep, the anger was so real, the spite was so biting and then sign was slowly written into my forehead. I began a safe life, a life of hiding my love of people and certainly deflecting any sort of man. I decided that I was going to only give as much as I was given but somehow I would always feel cheated.
I prayed to God one day and asked "why is it I have such intense love for people and yet such pain given to me from it, this big heart is a curse". Then God said to me "You have the ability to love beyond what most people are capable of. Your overwhelming love is what draws people to Me and it is a love that some people may never experience in their life. With that love comes risk, but which is the bigger tragedy?"
So if I were to be real with myself I guess I started going to counseling because I was ready to love again. I want the anger to go away so I can grab life with arms wide and heart filled with the Lords love of His people. I am certainly not perfect at this, my insecurities, my hurts they definitely come peaking through but my choice is to continue walking. I refuse to take step backward because I stumble. I have a huge fear that I am "too much" for someone. Whether that is loving too much, having too many issues, being too much work..... and even though I have had words come against me in this aspect I will not retreat. I am not too much and if I am, its too much of a good thing. Because God made me intense, God made me an emotional being, God loves that I am not perfect but that I keep trying, God loves that I am trying to make this work, God loves that I am TRYING.
God hold me in these moments where retreating sounds so welcoming. God I give you my thoughts and I pray that you pick out each one that isn't of You and You send them back to hell where they came from. God I pray that You remind me of my place on this earth, that You bring people into my life that want to walk through this with me and encourage me to live a better and fuller life no matter how hard it is. God I pray that you continue to prepare and comfort my future husband. That you are strengthening him to accept me and walk with me through all of this. God I pray that you help me think of the healing of others rather than the hurts of my past. God I trust in You that my willingness to risk will not go unnoticed and that You get all the glory for my transformation. Keep my head high Lord Jesus.
Alright, so I have written in blogs previous that I am going to counseling to work on some issues I have with men and boy oh boy (ba dum chh) has it been fun. When I first entered into counseling I was pretty beat up by all the "relationships" I have had in the past. The fear, the pain, the abandonment, the lies, the shallow minded, the objectification, and so on and so on. I wanted to be free of it all, I wanted to know that things get better. That in fact this is not the way to carry on with my brokenness and my "stay the eff away from me" written on my forehead. I knew that it was quite unbecoming. As I dove head first into it I had realization after realization and those lead me to do a general apology to men in general. They did not deserve what I have decided about them all because of what a few had done.
After receiving some inner healing with that the next step was taking my "get away from me now" off of my forehead. It became concerning to me when numerous of my friends had confronted me saying that I am very short and stand offish with guys giving them the signal that I did not want to talk to them when in fact in my mind I am thinking the opposite. So through some more counseling sessions and time with Papa we had agreed to slowly take my sign down and open myself to being pursued. I guess it wasn't really slowly taking it down but rather taking it down, throwing it back up, taking it down, throwing it back up and then really deciding to keep it down. Well during this time of transition was when I was going out dancing quite a lot (dancing queen, yes yes I am) and well I was opening myself to be pursued by all the wrong guys. I was trying out this flirting thing and found it quite fun. They were saying nice things, they were "pursuing", they were leading me straight into a dark room. They were treating me like an object and after I realized that (not a fun realization) I decided to treat them the same. You are there for my entertainment, you are no longer soul, spirit and flesh but rather something to play with. Then came the unexpected "well I really enjoy your company and you aren't like the other girls I talk to, you have a personality" and then POOF I needed out. It hurt me knowing that I didn't take someone elses feelings into consideration. I felt that I had failed them and that is NOT who I am. And you know why thats not who I am? Because I was made to be a woman of intention, a woman of pursuit, a woman of deep care and affection.
Back to counseling (obviously) and now we are talking about how to be open to being pursued but in a healthy way. When in reality I am thinking (I can't do this, I have done this thing with emotions and that is what landed me in counseling. Is caring so deeply about someone only to have them flutter their eyes and treat me like a doormat).
Back in high school I used to be that girl that would bring you coffee if you weren't smiling like you normally did that day. Or the girl that would take you to lunch because I loved making life better for you. Or the girl that made a "breakup box" when you just broke up with someone after a year of dating them. Or the girl that dug through the trash because someone stole your phone and threw it away. Or the girl that told you how wonderful you were just hoping to speak some life into existence. Or the girl that took you home every day from school for 3 months because your car was broken just to spend that extra 15 mins a day with you. A girl that picked a flower and then wrote something beautiful about you on each petal.
But after a while of watching the coffee hit the trash without a thank you. To watch you date my best friend behind my back all the while promising that I am your girl. After being told I was the girl to marry but not the girl to date. After watching you take that flower and turn around and give it to another girl. After a year and a half friendship of pure bliss, showing me what I want in a man, telling you how I feel and then a week later have you never talk to me again, as if you died, watching an expressionless face as I weep in front of you.....
Well, my heart hardened. The pain was so deep, the anger was so real, the spite was so biting and then sign was slowly written into my forehead. I began a safe life, a life of hiding my love of people and certainly deflecting any sort of man. I decided that I was going to only give as much as I was given but somehow I would always feel cheated.
I prayed to God one day and asked "why is it I have such intense love for people and yet such pain given to me from it, this big heart is a curse". Then God said to me "You have the ability to love beyond what most people are capable of. Your overwhelming love is what draws people to Me and it is a love that some people may never experience in their life. With that love comes risk, but which is the bigger tragedy?"
So if I were to be real with myself I guess I started going to counseling because I was ready to love again. I want the anger to go away so I can grab life with arms wide and heart filled with the Lords love of His people. I am certainly not perfect at this, my insecurities, my hurts they definitely come peaking through but my choice is to continue walking. I refuse to take step backward because I stumble. I have a huge fear that I am "too much" for someone. Whether that is loving too much, having too many issues, being too much work..... and even though I have had words come against me in this aspect I will not retreat. I am not too much and if I am, its too much of a good thing. Because God made me intense, God made me an emotional being, God loves that I am not perfect but that I keep trying, God loves that I am trying to make this work, God loves that I am TRYING.
God hold me in these moments where retreating sounds so welcoming. God I give you my thoughts and I pray that you pick out each one that isn't of You and You send them back to hell where they came from. God I pray that You remind me of my place on this earth, that You bring people into my life that want to walk through this with me and encourage me to live a better and fuller life no matter how hard it is. God I pray that you continue to prepare and comfort my future husband. That you are strengthening him to accept me and walk with me through all of this. God I pray that you help me think of the healing of others rather than the hurts of my past. God I trust in You that my willingness to risk will not go unnoticed and that You get all the glory for my transformation. Keep my head high Lord Jesus.
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