In the eyes of earth, I am horribly made.
As my life has been shooting forward, way faster than I had intended I find myself grasping the ground, scraping my nails across the pavement trying to slow down and understand what the HELL is going on. Gods plan for me is clearly different then the plan I had for me, which is really difficult to accept. Not that God hasn't shown me things I could have never seen on my own, but I guess I though God cared about earthly things just a little, just enough to make me feel successful.
What does it feel like to feel successful in Gods eyes?
Is it a heartwarming feeling?
Is it a powerful feeling?
Is it a weakened feeling?
Is it a loved feeling?
It is something I can create without Him?
Because Lord knows I will try.
Coming home for my birthday I had few expectations. I knew I would see my family and friends, celebrate my birthday, get some laughs, try and refuel and then head back to the land of reality. But no, my heart decided to do some work on its own. I cannot describe the feeling that my heart got, so I won't even try to limit it to words. I could not leave, not if I wanted to stay happy. God burst into my life and rushed purpose into me. Something I haven't felt in a while, if at all. I had a path here, a path to follow, people to touch, people to LOVE. Which if some of you didn't know, loving is my favorite! When God asks me to speak life to people I get to feel just a glimpse of how much God loves them, I cannot contain it. If I could bottle and sell it I would, and i'd sell it for a lot. People would get addicted to it, I am addicted to it. The thought of this feeling leaving if I leave terrifies me. I don't think I have wanted something so bad.
But the thought of moving home makes me ill to my stomach. God do you not realize all that I have set up for myself in LA? All that WE have set up. I feel like we both have worked extremely hard to get this for us. ITS FOR US! Why would you put me in LA, make me fall in love with LA just to pick up and leave. What is waiting for me in Redding? I understand I have family, and thank you for that, but it seems my friends come and go. Last time I was here I was surrounded yet so lonely. I do not want that again. I can't emotionally take it again. To be honest, I want to hate you for what you are asking me to do. I seriously am so scared. You have made me realize how much pride I carry. I didn't ever view myself as someone prideful considering how often I make an ass out of myself but maybe that is because I knew I had some place to run back to, out of this town, I had a place I could claim that was out of Redding. But what is the point of it if I am just as lonely there.
God my plans were that by now I would be getting more successful by the day and love would find me wherever I went. That if I gave up trying to find love and focused on my career that my work could love me back. That my work could fill the void while my husband prepared himself to meet me.
Galatians 5:3-10
My heart breaks maybe so God can show me He is the only one that can heal it.
What does it feel like to feel successful in Gods eyes?
Is it a heartwarming feeling?
Is it a powerful feeling?
Is it a weakened feeling?
Is it a loved feeling?
It is something I can create without Him?
Because Lord knows I will try.
Coming home for my birthday I had few expectations. I knew I would see my family and friends, celebrate my birthday, get some laughs, try and refuel and then head back to the land of reality. But no, my heart decided to do some work on its own. I cannot describe the feeling that my heart got, so I won't even try to limit it to words. I could not leave, not if I wanted to stay happy. God burst into my life and rushed purpose into me. Something I haven't felt in a while, if at all. I had a path here, a path to follow, people to touch, people to LOVE. Which if some of you didn't know, loving is my favorite! When God asks me to speak life to people I get to feel just a glimpse of how much God loves them, I cannot contain it. If I could bottle and sell it I would, and i'd sell it for a lot. People would get addicted to it, I am addicted to it. The thought of this feeling leaving if I leave terrifies me. I don't think I have wanted something so bad.
But the thought of moving home makes me ill to my stomach. God do you not realize all that I have set up for myself in LA? All that WE have set up. I feel like we both have worked extremely hard to get this for us. ITS FOR US! Why would you put me in LA, make me fall in love with LA just to pick up and leave. What is waiting for me in Redding? I understand I have family, and thank you for that, but it seems my friends come and go. Last time I was here I was surrounded yet so lonely. I do not want that again. I can't emotionally take it again. To be honest, I want to hate you for what you are asking me to do. I seriously am so scared. You have made me realize how much pride I carry. I didn't ever view myself as someone prideful considering how often I make an ass out of myself but maybe that is because I knew I had some place to run back to, out of this town, I had a place I could claim that was out of Redding. But what is the point of it if I am just as lonely there.
God my plans were that by now I would be getting more successful by the day and love would find me wherever I went. That if I gave up trying to find love and focused on my career that my work could love me back. That my work could fill the void while my husband prepared himself to meet me.
Galatians 5:3-10
My heart breaks maybe so God can show me He is the only one that can heal it.
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