Dear Heart
Oh how I have underestimated your abilities. Time after time have I been mad at you, or trying my best to protect you when you have been the one protecting me.
I have stood back and been the one to watch "love". I've watched it in my parents, in my sisters relationships, my friends, my grandparents, movies and boys. And oh boy how that will fuck you up. My opinion of love was given to me by other people, and as much as I want to blame it on everyone else, its where I personally messed up. I should have this whole time been praying to God on what love is to truly look like. This world will always disappoint and fall short of my expectations. Because let me break down what I saw.
Parents-
Love is an agreement. An agreement to stay in love. Almost like a business partnership. They didn't ever hold hands, kiss, or even go any where just them, it was always about the family. Like they met each other and realized that between their two traits they could raise some pretty awesome kids (a hem) and so sign here and we are done. It was not a romance.
Sister-
(Hope she doesn't read this because I don't want to be yelled at) But my sister all growing up has been very anti-boys. Which is why for a long time we all secretly thought she was a lesbo. Guys were a waste of time, they didn't deserve any thought or energy. They were disappointing and desperate horny creatures. Then she met Scott. She told Scott that they would only ever be friends and to stop trying, but that wasn't enough for Scott, he fought for her and woo-ed her. He won. Well at least for a while. I watched this dramatic slew of angry love. It had such high highs and such low lows. They were best friends that were creatively driven by love. But jealousy had won. Inexperience and immaturity had created a wedge. She was broken. She was devastated and alone. Love didn't seem worth the risk. Then there was Martin, the accountant from Switzerland. Same story in the beginning, "we will only ever be friends" and I really should start using this line because it only made him woo her into submission. She had fallen again. But I think since she thought she wouldn't feel this feeling again she acted a little different with this one. I don't know if she was just changing but her voice was quieter to the things she was once so passionate about, and her actions were less her own. I watched as my sister whom said "my husband will take my last name" go to the mid west and experience a family who's mothers duty was to fix dinner and fathers duty was to tell her whether or not she had done a good job. Not only that but she was considering going back to Europe to be with this man that would not compromise his job for her. So I learned that love was something that could be earned and love weakened you.
Friends-
Oh wow. Friends. I learned how pathetic relationships could become. I saw relationships ran by sex and lust. I saw relationships ran by danger and cheating. Popularity and status. Affirmation and abuse. I learned most is that all they cared about was just BEING in a relationship. I didn't really matter so much who the person was just as long as they were.
Grandparents-
Love was a list of things you did right and wrong. It was the man having control over everything in the house and my grandma keeping her opinions to herself. That you were to tell him you love him but not ever expect it in return. It looked exhausting.
Movies-
Ah, the best looking love of all. This love was dramatic, passionate, fulfilling, every one wins in the end kind of love. That if you didn't care enough or cared just enough that you would get your happy ending. Or that if you poured enough love and attention into someone you could change them for the better. That they would see the good intentions in you and fall in love and want to right all their wrongs and become a prince charming that is all the sudden capable of not only allowing himself to love, but some how has been hiding this oh so perfect man that he was actually hiding. I learned that if you were tall enough, skinny enough and had just the right amount of laughter that it would find you. It would find you in the coffee shop, the laundry mat, the bar, the mall, or even driving in a car. And it would be real. I learned that when you throw your inhibitions to the wind to chase after the one you love that they could fulfill what you had just given up. Oh the amount of damage movies have done to me. Oh the amount.
Boys-
I have learned a mixture of things from guys. I learned that if you were pretty that you ruled the world. You could get away with anything, even being a total bitch. That if you tangle-less flowy hair and big ol titties that you were pretty much set to find love. I mean you could experience any type of love practically. If you didn't like the one love you have that you could dump that one and move on to the next. Or even CHEAT ON THE ONE YOU HAVE and still get to keep him. That if you laughed enough at his jokes or were super good at beer pong that you were gonna get the attention. That if you agreed with everything they said and didn't get mad when they disrespected you that you were one to marry. I think my favorite thing i've learned from guys is how much they are in denial. I have had conversations with these christian men growing up about my frustrations and what seems to be true to me. They will say things like "I used to be like that, only care about how hot the girl was, didn't care if I disrespected them or about their heart at all, but I saw the wrong in my ways, God has blown me away with his grace for me, I now realize the importance of a girls heart and her love for God. I am so lucky to have found (insert girls name here)" But the most common theme from that conversation was "Oh guess what, the girl you have, the girl you are chasing after her 'heart', wow lucky for you she still happens to be BEAUTIFUL! Exactly what you were looking for in the first place, wow, you have taught me so much about your humbleness" --- haha that one is my favorite. I almost want to take my eyes out and roll them across the table just so they know I am rolling my eyes at them.
Well I found that if I closed my eyes to all that, all the noise, all the things I have learned to become or the different ways to be loved that I was loved all along. God has been the one chasing me and he is trying to chase me out of the lies. His love is all I have ever needed and now its all I want. I thought about writing about love made me weak, that if I wanted it it was clear that I didn't have it. But writing about love has only made me process all the BS. Realize all that I don't need. If I didn't have to watch it every day, I would think that I already have it. God has been so gracious to me, forgiving of me that I spend so much time trying to satisfy this body that is alone. No relationship with equal or meet the expectations that you will always meet. Even though at times I will need reminded I can always know that the love I see and that I learn about is not real. Your love is real.
Dear God. I pray for my heart. When it comes in contact with things that provoke it that you will seduce it back to you. That when my heart makes a connection with something unreal that you will remind me that I am yours. I pray for my husbands heart. I pray that if it gets hurt that you will repair it. I pray that he only sees you right now. I pray that he is going through the same feeling so we are able to connect on this level. We will both have the understand that we will always fall short of each others expectations and that through you true love can be celebrated. I pray that my heart craves your closeness. I pray that even though I carry my heart that you determine its wants and needs. Be with me as I walk through the valley of dead love. Amen
I have stood back and been the one to watch "love". I've watched it in my parents, in my sisters relationships, my friends, my grandparents, movies and boys. And oh boy how that will fuck you up. My opinion of love was given to me by other people, and as much as I want to blame it on everyone else, its where I personally messed up. I should have this whole time been praying to God on what love is to truly look like. This world will always disappoint and fall short of my expectations. Because let me break down what I saw.
Parents-
Love is an agreement. An agreement to stay in love. Almost like a business partnership. They didn't ever hold hands, kiss, or even go any where just them, it was always about the family. Like they met each other and realized that between their two traits they could raise some pretty awesome kids (a hem) and so sign here and we are done. It was not a romance.
Sister-
(Hope she doesn't read this because I don't want to be yelled at) But my sister all growing up has been very anti-boys. Which is why for a long time we all secretly thought she was a lesbo. Guys were a waste of time, they didn't deserve any thought or energy. They were disappointing and desperate horny creatures. Then she met Scott. She told Scott that they would only ever be friends and to stop trying, but that wasn't enough for Scott, he fought for her and woo-ed her. He won. Well at least for a while. I watched this dramatic slew of angry love. It had such high highs and such low lows. They were best friends that were creatively driven by love. But jealousy had won. Inexperience and immaturity had created a wedge. She was broken. She was devastated and alone. Love didn't seem worth the risk. Then there was Martin, the accountant from Switzerland. Same story in the beginning, "we will only ever be friends" and I really should start using this line because it only made him woo her into submission. She had fallen again. But I think since she thought she wouldn't feel this feeling again she acted a little different with this one. I don't know if she was just changing but her voice was quieter to the things she was once so passionate about, and her actions were less her own. I watched as my sister whom said "my husband will take my last name" go to the mid west and experience a family who's mothers duty was to fix dinner and fathers duty was to tell her whether or not she had done a good job. Not only that but she was considering going back to Europe to be with this man that would not compromise his job for her. So I learned that love was something that could be earned and love weakened you.
Friends-
Oh wow. Friends. I learned how pathetic relationships could become. I saw relationships ran by sex and lust. I saw relationships ran by danger and cheating. Popularity and status. Affirmation and abuse. I learned most is that all they cared about was just BEING in a relationship. I didn't really matter so much who the person was just as long as they were.
Grandparents-
Love was a list of things you did right and wrong. It was the man having control over everything in the house and my grandma keeping her opinions to herself. That you were to tell him you love him but not ever expect it in return. It looked exhausting.
Movies-
Ah, the best looking love of all. This love was dramatic, passionate, fulfilling, every one wins in the end kind of love. That if you didn't care enough or cared just enough that you would get your happy ending. Or that if you poured enough love and attention into someone you could change them for the better. That they would see the good intentions in you and fall in love and want to right all their wrongs and become a prince charming that is all the sudden capable of not only allowing himself to love, but some how has been hiding this oh so perfect man that he was actually hiding. I learned that if you were tall enough, skinny enough and had just the right amount of laughter that it would find you. It would find you in the coffee shop, the laundry mat, the bar, the mall, or even driving in a car. And it would be real. I learned that when you throw your inhibitions to the wind to chase after the one you love that they could fulfill what you had just given up. Oh the amount of damage movies have done to me. Oh the amount.
Boys-
I have learned a mixture of things from guys. I learned that if you were pretty that you ruled the world. You could get away with anything, even being a total bitch. That if you tangle-less flowy hair and big ol titties that you were pretty much set to find love. I mean you could experience any type of love practically. If you didn't like the one love you have that you could dump that one and move on to the next. Or even CHEAT ON THE ONE YOU HAVE and still get to keep him. That if you laughed enough at his jokes or were super good at beer pong that you were gonna get the attention. That if you agreed with everything they said and didn't get mad when they disrespected you that you were one to marry. I think my favorite thing i've learned from guys is how much they are in denial. I have had conversations with these christian men growing up about my frustrations and what seems to be true to me. They will say things like "I used to be like that, only care about how hot the girl was, didn't care if I disrespected them or about their heart at all, but I saw the wrong in my ways, God has blown me away with his grace for me, I now realize the importance of a girls heart and her love for God. I am so lucky to have found (insert girls name here)" But the most common theme from that conversation was "Oh guess what, the girl you have, the girl you are chasing after her 'heart', wow lucky for you she still happens to be BEAUTIFUL! Exactly what you were looking for in the first place, wow, you have taught me so much about your humbleness" --- haha that one is my favorite. I almost want to take my eyes out and roll them across the table just so they know I am rolling my eyes at them.
Well I found that if I closed my eyes to all that, all the noise, all the things I have learned to become or the different ways to be loved that I was loved all along. God has been the one chasing me and he is trying to chase me out of the lies. His love is all I have ever needed and now its all I want. I thought about writing about love made me weak, that if I wanted it it was clear that I didn't have it. But writing about love has only made me process all the BS. Realize all that I don't need. If I didn't have to watch it every day, I would think that I already have it. God has been so gracious to me, forgiving of me that I spend so much time trying to satisfy this body that is alone. No relationship with equal or meet the expectations that you will always meet. Even though at times I will need reminded I can always know that the love I see and that I learn about is not real. Your love is real.
Dear God. I pray for my heart. When it comes in contact with things that provoke it that you will seduce it back to you. That when my heart makes a connection with something unreal that you will remind me that I am yours. I pray for my husbands heart. I pray that if it gets hurt that you will repair it. I pray that he only sees you right now. I pray that he is going through the same feeling so we are able to connect on this level. We will both have the understand that we will always fall short of each others expectations and that through you true love can be celebrated. I pray that my heart craves your closeness. I pray that even though I carry my heart that you determine its wants and needs. Be with me as I walk through the valley of dead love. Amen
Comments
You are a beautiful woman Anna. Every girl is picky about their image and all that and I am telling you that you are gorgeous! People usually at first glance notice people by their looks, but in the majority of relationships people are friends first and build on that relationship getting to know each other and then realize that they "like" each other and go from there. Relationships are difficult and they are messy and the divorce rate is ridiculous, but love is great! I love you Anna, Heavenly Father loves you and your family loves you! I wanna see you soon!
Love,
Sherrie