Either my biggest dream or nightmare
God, I just wanted to let you in on a couple things that have been running through my mind on a daily basis.
"What the hell are you doing anna? You are setting yourself up for a big disappointment! Not only to yourself, but everyone is gonna watch you move away and then move right back to Redding. You don't have the money to do this, you don't have the job to get you through this, your fear is what is going to hold you back. You MUST be crazy"
These are a few of the thoughts that bring me to tears every day. Is this what I need to go through to be so desperate for you that I know if I didnt seek your way I would not make it? Are these the thoughts that need to go through my head until I actually just do it and whole heartedly?
How can I think that I can make it in acting when every stick skinny person that lives in that city wants the same as I? Is the only difference that I have you? Do I have what it takes? Lord I need your affirmation on a daily basis that I have what it takes. That they wont look at me as another lost los angeles soul looking for quick fame and money, they would see my fear, the would bank on my every day fear.
I know that you would be at every audition, every award ceremony, every acting class, every footstep I take into a room full of directors, producers, I know that you would be there with me, whispering your promise and drowning out the lies. I know that God, I know that you would do that for me, but I need it even as I pack my bags, I need you telling me I can do this. I get little encouragement here and there, but nothing compared to what I need in order to get over the fear of this. I feel paralyzed Lord and you expect me to walk. So what I am going to do for you God is crawl. Im crawling back to LA, with shallow pocket, a fearful heart, and a bruised sense of self worth. But God, if you think I can do it, then ill try my hardest.
I couldn't imagine what I must look like through your eyes. You must see every potential in me, you must see every beautiful fiber that creates who I am. But you also must see my shivering heart and if I didn't believe that I shared this shivering heart with others who were too afraid to trust you, then I wouldnt be moving. But the last thing I want to be to you God is disappointing. Too many people dont do their full potential because they are too fearful. And NOW I understand why.
I want to be woken up every morning with remembrance that I am there for a reason, and I have exactly what it takes.
"What the hell are you doing anna? You are setting yourself up for a big disappointment! Not only to yourself, but everyone is gonna watch you move away and then move right back to Redding. You don't have the money to do this, you don't have the job to get you through this, your fear is what is going to hold you back. You MUST be crazy"
These are a few of the thoughts that bring me to tears every day. Is this what I need to go through to be so desperate for you that I know if I didnt seek your way I would not make it? Are these the thoughts that need to go through my head until I actually just do it and whole heartedly?
How can I think that I can make it in acting when every stick skinny person that lives in that city wants the same as I? Is the only difference that I have you? Do I have what it takes? Lord I need your affirmation on a daily basis that I have what it takes. That they wont look at me as another lost los angeles soul looking for quick fame and money, they would see my fear, the would bank on my every day fear.
I know that you would be at every audition, every award ceremony, every acting class, every footstep I take into a room full of directors, producers, I know that you would be there with me, whispering your promise and drowning out the lies. I know that God, I know that you would do that for me, but I need it even as I pack my bags, I need you telling me I can do this. I get little encouragement here and there, but nothing compared to what I need in order to get over the fear of this. I feel paralyzed Lord and you expect me to walk. So what I am going to do for you God is crawl. Im crawling back to LA, with shallow pocket, a fearful heart, and a bruised sense of self worth. But God, if you think I can do it, then ill try my hardest.
I couldn't imagine what I must look like through your eyes. You must see every potential in me, you must see every beautiful fiber that creates who I am. But you also must see my shivering heart and if I didn't believe that I shared this shivering heart with others who were too afraid to trust you, then I wouldnt be moving. But the last thing I want to be to you God is disappointing. Too many people dont do their full potential because they are too fearful. And NOW I understand why.
I want to be woken up every morning with remembrance that I am there for a reason, and I have exactly what it takes.
Comments