Trust Me
I do not have the time to begin to even skim the surface of how much shit ive been processing lately. My brain is exhausted from fighting what I have always known as truth and learning what is really true. The past couple of months have been filled with tears, regret, anger, wrestling with God, yelling at God, and then humbled by my Maker. I am just going to tell you about the past 24 hours and hopefully then you will begin to understand why I am so exhausted.
To begin lets go back about a month. I sat in my bed, crying..... ok weeping because I began to feel.... well feel the unknown. I have been hurt in the past, hurt so bad it effects my relationships now, and not in a positive way. I have been living in fear of getting hurt that bad again. So God was revealing to me this night I was weeping how I have been surviving. He showed me a picture of this rickity wooden bridge that was so high up in the air that if the bridge was broken you would surely die. He showed me walking on this bridge, and this bridge represented relationships. He showed me that I am running across this bridge with joy and passion but then I reach a certain point where I stop dead in my tracks and turn around and start walking back very carefully. I start tip toeing back to where I came from. God was speaking that I reach a certain point in relationships where I start fearing the unknown and so I throw my hands up and turn around. That if I realize I am not getting what I thought I was going to be getting out of the relationship, if it didn't look like what I was expecting, that it must be wrong, there must be hurt ahead and so out of fear I walk away. God then started speaking into my past. God basically said that the amount of hurt that I carry that I blame on men is actually part of what I have done to myself. That I walk around blaming men for my brokenness when I have actually been the one to inflict the pain upon myself. See it gets even deeper than you imagine, and when I have the time I will surely invite you into the deepest part of me and my thoughts, as scary as that seems people need to know they are not alone. In so many words I had found my worth through what I had done for people and their reactions to what I had done. If I had a guy that had given me a window of opportunity to join into a relationship I went into overdrive of proving how amazing I was by what I DID, not who I was. And when I still wasn't chosen I took that as I wasn't good enough. But it was their fault for not realizing how awesome I was and in fact taking advantage of me.---- but, my fault was giving them the opportunity to tell me what I was worth.
Ok that just gives you a quick glimpse of some of the things God revealed to me that night. About how I turn around so quickly in relationships when my worth to the other person isn't as great as I want it to be. So God then asked me to keep walking. I wrestled with God and said I did not want to keep walking across the bridge, I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want to be disappointed again. God then said "Keep your eyes set on me and keep walking. Don't look down (which represented how bad I could get hurt) and just put one foot in front of the other. So as I wept in His overwhelming warmth and presence we took another step on the bridge together.
Fast forward to yesterday. At this time I am towards the middle of the bridge, where turning back seems pointless. Well I have had some people been speaking into my life and thoughts that some of the relationships I have are not as real as I think they are. That I am just another girl that can be easily taken advantage of because I hand my love out so freely, that I am not being appreciated, that other people need to prove to me how much they love me, that I am worth more than I am being treated and I need to re-evaluate my trust towards some people. Well yesterday I had just another person start to question the motives of someone in my life and this began a face forward flop into fear. All these things started spinning in my mind and it was said so fantastically that it only made sense to start fearing my trust towards people again. In my analogy that God gave me it basically looked like I had hit a wobbly step and was now face down on the bridge staring down into the hurt I was inevitably going to fall to. I then isolated myself and wept in my room calling myself all sorts of names "How stupid can you be Anna? Its always been this way, no one will ever fully accept the love you give. Why do you do this to yourself, you trust the untrustworthy, you are just another girl that gave your attention freely and now they are done with you. Who do you think you are to think you are worth being pursued"--- these are just some of the thoughts. Harsh I know, but real. I wept, I believed it all. I had people chasing me with prayer but I didn't want it, did no one get it? I was already hurt. My roommate then started speaking to me. He said "Anna you need to ask God to discern what you are hearing. Not everything you hear is truth. The devil works this way, he plants a seed and destroys"--- profound! haha. He then prayed for me and left me to be alone with God. I prayed, no I screamed "WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME GOD?!?! I WANTED TO TURN AROUND A MONTH AGO, WHY WOULD YOU NOT LET ME TURN AROUND? I KEPT WALKING AND NOW LOOK WHERE I AM, IN THE SAME SPOT I THOUGHT I WOULD BE, I WAS RIGHT GOD! I WAS RIGHT! AND NOW I FEEL SO STUPID BECAUSE I THOUGHT THIS ONE TIME IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT" God began to speak back. In not such an intense voice as I had used. But rather a calming fatherly voice. "Keep walking Anna"
me:"screw You, You keep walking"
God: "Stop trying to pin all people as bad, the moment you choose My people are bad you are going to stop loving them and I am asking you to continue loving them"
Me: "Why would I want to do that God? Can you not see that I am the one that gets hurt?"
God "Who said you are going to get hurt?"
Me "UUUUUHHHHHH STOP BEING SO INDIRECT!" haha
Then I was taken to Romans 8:13-somewhere
It basically talks about the suffering will not even begin to measure up the amount of reward that we will get. That in the end it will be worth it, and also saying hoping for something we already see is not hoping at all. That hope is for something unseen.
Today is the process of me getting back up, wiping away my tears, aiding my wounds and taking another step. I am scared. I am fearful, but I am more fearful of what I will miss if I do not continue to walk. Hell yea, I could get hurt, but my God, who is always faithful, said it will be worth it in the end. So here I will march forth.
Dear future love,
I am doing this for you. I am doing this to be what you need, to trust you when I don't feel like it and to love you into exhaustion. I will continue to walk in hopes that you will be some where along my bridge or maybe even at the end of it. I long for your embrace. I think of you all the time and I will never give up hope that you are being molded into what I need. I cannot wait to fall face down in front of our God together and worship Him for His faithfullness because we have found each other. I will love you from a distance for now, I will continue to store up my promise for you. I will remind myself daily of my worth so we both can celebrate our solid foundation of who we are. I will continue to pray for you and your journey. I will pray that when you fall face down like I do that there will be people in your life that will pick you up. I will work on my expectations of what you look like, what you act like, and how you speak to me. I pray that when you treat me like a princess that I don't act like one. I pray that I can show you the many ways I will love you with no fear that you won't accept them. I pray that these scars heal and we can begin to talk about them in confidence that they will not effect our relationship in a negative way. I pray for our constant learning of who we are and how we operate. I pray that there will be people in your life that requires you to communicate, I pray that we communicate. I pray for you and I think of you today as I continue to walk. One foot in front of the other. Be with our Father as I am with Him.
Looking forward to loving you.
Anna
To begin lets go back about a month. I sat in my bed, crying..... ok weeping because I began to feel.... well feel the unknown. I have been hurt in the past, hurt so bad it effects my relationships now, and not in a positive way. I have been living in fear of getting hurt that bad again. So God was revealing to me this night I was weeping how I have been surviving. He showed me a picture of this rickity wooden bridge that was so high up in the air that if the bridge was broken you would surely die. He showed me walking on this bridge, and this bridge represented relationships. He showed me that I am running across this bridge with joy and passion but then I reach a certain point where I stop dead in my tracks and turn around and start walking back very carefully. I start tip toeing back to where I came from. God was speaking that I reach a certain point in relationships where I start fearing the unknown and so I throw my hands up and turn around. That if I realize I am not getting what I thought I was going to be getting out of the relationship, if it didn't look like what I was expecting, that it must be wrong, there must be hurt ahead and so out of fear I walk away. God then started speaking into my past. God basically said that the amount of hurt that I carry that I blame on men is actually part of what I have done to myself. That I walk around blaming men for my brokenness when I have actually been the one to inflict the pain upon myself. See it gets even deeper than you imagine, and when I have the time I will surely invite you into the deepest part of me and my thoughts, as scary as that seems people need to know they are not alone. In so many words I had found my worth through what I had done for people and their reactions to what I had done. If I had a guy that had given me a window of opportunity to join into a relationship I went into overdrive of proving how amazing I was by what I DID, not who I was. And when I still wasn't chosen I took that as I wasn't good enough. But it was their fault for not realizing how awesome I was and in fact taking advantage of me.---- but, my fault was giving them the opportunity to tell me what I was worth.
Ok that just gives you a quick glimpse of some of the things God revealed to me that night. About how I turn around so quickly in relationships when my worth to the other person isn't as great as I want it to be. So God then asked me to keep walking. I wrestled with God and said I did not want to keep walking across the bridge, I don't want to get hurt again, I don't want to be disappointed again. God then said "Keep your eyes set on me and keep walking. Don't look down (which represented how bad I could get hurt) and just put one foot in front of the other. So as I wept in His overwhelming warmth and presence we took another step on the bridge together.
Fast forward to yesterday. At this time I am towards the middle of the bridge, where turning back seems pointless. Well I have had some people been speaking into my life and thoughts that some of the relationships I have are not as real as I think they are. That I am just another girl that can be easily taken advantage of because I hand my love out so freely, that I am not being appreciated, that other people need to prove to me how much they love me, that I am worth more than I am being treated and I need to re-evaluate my trust towards some people. Well yesterday I had just another person start to question the motives of someone in my life and this began a face forward flop into fear. All these things started spinning in my mind and it was said so fantastically that it only made sense to start fearing my trust towards people again. In my analogy that God gave me it basically looked like I had hit a wobbly step and was now face down on the bridge staring down into the hurt I was inevitably going to fall to. I then isolated myself and wept in my room calling myself all sorts of names "How stupid can you be Anna? Its always been this way, no one will ever fully accept the love you give. Why do you do this to yourself, you trust the untrustworthy, you are just another girl that gave your attention freely and now they are done with you. Who do you think you are to think you are worth being pursued"--- these are just some of the thoughts. Harsh I know, but real. I wept, I believed it all. I had people chasing me with prayer but I didn't want it, did no one get it? I was already hurt. My roommate then started speaking to me. He said "Anna you need to ask God to discern what you are hearing. Not everything you hear is truth. The devil works this way, he plants a seed and destroys"--- profound! haha. He then prayed for me and left me to be alone with God. I prayed, no I screamed "WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME GOD?!?! I WANTED TO TURN AROUND A MONTH AGO, WHY WOULD YOU NOT LET ME TURN AROUND? I KEPT WALKING AND NOW LOOK WHERE I AM, IN THE SAME SPOT I THOUGHT I WOULD BE, I WAS RIGHT GOD! I WAS RIGHT! AND NOW I FEEL SO STUPID BECAUSE I THOUGHT THIS ONE TIME IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT" God began to speak back. In not such an intense voice as I had used. But rather a calming fatherly voice. "Keep walking Anna"
me:"screw You, You keep walking"
God: "Stop trying to pin all people as bad, the moment you choose My people are bad you are going to stop loving them and I am asking you to continue loving them"
Me: "Why would I want to do that God? Can you not see that I am the one that gets hurt?"
God "Who said you are going to get hurt?"
Me "UUUUUHHHHHH STOP BEING SO INDIRECT!" haha
Then I was taken to Romans 8:13-somewhere
It basically talks about the suffering will not even begin to measure up the amount of reward that we will get. That in the end it will be worth it, and also saying hoping for something we already see is not hoping at all. That hope is for something unseen.
Today is the process of me getting back up, wiping away my tears, aiding my wounds and taking another step. I am scared. I am fearful, but I am more fearful of what I will miss if I do not continue to walk. Hell yea, I could get hurt, but my God, who is always faithful, said it will be worth it in the end. So here I will march forth.
Dear future love,
I am doing this for you. I am doing this to be what you need, to trust you when I don't feel like it and to love you into exhaustion. I will continue to walk in hopes that you will be some where along my bridge or maybe even at the end of it. I long for your embrace. I think of you all the time and I will never give up hope that you are being molded into what I need. I cannot wait to fall face down in front of our God together and worship Him for His faithfullness because we have found each other. I will love you from a distance for now, I will continue to store up my promise for you. I will remind myself daily of my worth so we both can celebrate our solid foundation of who we are. I will continue to pray for you and your journey. I will pray that when you fall face down like I do that there will be people in your life that will pick you up. I will work on my expectations of what you look like, what you act like, and how you speak to me. I pray that when you treat me like a princess that I don't act like one. I pray that I can show you the many ways I will love you with no fear that you won't accept them. I pray that these scars heal and we can begin to talk about them in confidence that they will not effect our relationship in a negative way. I pray for our constant learning of who we are and how we operate. I pray that there will be people in your life that requires you to communicate, I pray that we communicate. I pray for you and I think of you today as I continue to walk. One foot in front of the other. Be with our Father as I am with Him.
Looking forward to loving you.
Anna
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