Silly little me
So I was at the Bethel prayer chapel last night and wrote this little tid bit about hope.
About how if God were to give me nothing else I pray He gives me hope.
Hope through it all.
Hope that he knows what He is doing.
Well then I realized I don't really take him up on that.
That if I truely wanted it I need to live it.
Well fear is almost opposite of hope right?
I live in fear.
In great, deep, undeniable fear.
Fear of never finding love.
Never finding someone that is gonna love me for who I am.
Just plain never finding anyone and ending up alone.
Its sad to say and unfair to say that any affection shown towards me can be taken sometimes too intensly.
I savor it, I want to find more.
I don't want to really say its because im a pathetic girl, I think its because im really just scared shitless.
Scared shitless that its the last affection I will ever see.
I know what your thinking "ok anna, way to be emo"
But honestly its something deep in my heart, that throbs, that burns with uncertainty, i feel like im gonna be alone.
I have watched my friends go in and out of meaningless relationships, or ever relationships that had meaning but just no purpose. Its not that I wanted those, im scared im never going to GET one of those.
Its unfair to whomever unknowinly or knowingly gives me affection. They don't know its coming. They don't know that im gonna suck it dry.
God im pathetic.
I walk with my head down in this aspect of my life.
I always have, and not sure if I will ever lift it up.
I have the biggest insecurity about this.
But stepping back, crying tears that will be forgotten, i think, if I truely trust God..... then I should trust Him to make me the happiest at the right moment.
No matter if I end up alone.
He has a promise to show me joy unspeakable.
So mend my heart as I continue to hand it out.
Let me walk with my head down, but hold my hand.
Do your best.
About how if God were to give me nothing else I pray He gives me hope.
Hope through it all.
Hope that he knows what He is doing.
Well then I realized I don't really take him up on that.
That if I truely wanted it I need to live it.
Well fear is almost opposite of hope right?
I live in fear.
In great, deep, undeniable fear.
Fear of never finding love.
Never finding someone that is gonna love me for who I am.
Just plain never finding anyone and ending up alone.
Its sad to say and unfair to say that any affection shown towards me can be taken sometimes too intensly.
I savor it, I want to find more.
I don't want to really say its because im a pathetic girl, I think its because im really just scared shitless.
Scared shitless that its the last affection I will ever see.
I know what your thinking "ok anna, way to be emo"
But honestly its something deep in my heart, that throbs, that burns with uncertainty, i feel like im gonna be alone.
I have watched my friends go in and out of meaningless relationships, or ever relationships that had meaning but just no purpose. Its not that I wanted those, im scared im never going to GET one of those.
Its unfair to whomever unknowinly or knowingly gives me affection. They don't know its coming. They don't know that im gonna suck it dry.
God im pathetic.
I walk with my head down in this aspect of my life.
I always have, and not sure if I will ever lift it up.
I have the biggest insecurity about this.
But stepping back, crying tears that will be forgotten, i think, if I truely trust God..... then I should trust Him to make me the happiest at the right moment.
No matter if I end up alone.
He has a promise to show me joy unspeakable.
So mend my heart as I continue to hand it out.
Let me walk with my head down, but hold my hand.
Do your best.
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