It's sad really

Non of us had a perfect childhood.
No person.
We all come out with deformities of the mind.
Our perception is never perfect on everything.
We all live and learn and some don't learn enough.

I have talked to a good friend this week about possibly going to counseling.
I view it as a weakness.
Which might be a bad perception of the childhood.
She said to me "I think we all need counseling.
Non of us are perfect, no body knows exactly how to take care of the heart, how to take care of the mind, how to take care of the body, how to take care of one another.
Its really not our fault.
God helps us with each of these, He helps us even out each weakness we have. To make them stronger.
What really is the worst is that the things that happen to us that I feel are never going to be repaired.
Like our first real rejection.
Our first real big mistake.
Our first real dive into wrong decisions.
But lets start with our first real love.

Call it love.
Call it stupidity.
It still hurts.

Sean,
To put it lightly.... you really fucked me up.
Im really not sure who to blame.
It would be easy to blame you for everything.
It would be easy to blame you for the obsession that came from you.
It would be hard to blame myself.
But it wasn't just you.
I worry in every relationship that I am not giving enough.
Im not good enough.
Im never gonna be good enough for anyone to stick around.
Im never gonna buy enough, im never gonna spend enough time and energy.
It was so easy for you to forget about me.
And I felt like I did EVERYTHING to try to make you stay.
But it was so easy for you to walk away, never to have a second thought about me.
I have a fear that it is going to happen in every person I meet.
And really in a way, as much as I love you. I FUCKING HATE YOU!
Look what I am putting myself through for what you did to me.
What you did to me?
I would say its gonna stop, that I can make a decision for it to go away, but it will always be there. And that I can truly blame YOU for.

I hope you never read this because I want your life to go continue going on perfectly with no thought of me again. i don't want to burden whatever was better than me.

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