In a world full of lies and cowards.

So many people are too afraid to hurt feelings.
Thats how we get lies.
And from people who lie, come cowards.

My dad has ALWAYS told me not to be a coward.
Not to lie.
It took me a while to really take this seriously.
But now I realize its better to tell the truth. Be honest.
If someone gets mad, there is nothing you can do.

Now im not gonna sit here and say I am perfect and I never lie.
But I have started to appriciate so much those who are straight up with me.
Don't tell me something because you think that is what I want to hear.
Don't lead me on to believe that you are something that you are clearly not.
So next time you look me in the eye, or send me a text telling me something and then you do another, realize that is hurting me more than the truth ever could.

I would rather have someone hurt my feelings by telling me the truth than have someone tell me something so I have an expectation of who you are and then get disappointed.
Maybe by telling the truth you will never allow someone to get disappointed. Because then they never expect.

My high standards and hopes for people are slowly creeping downward.
Maybe my sister was right all along.
She never let anyone too close to her and never thought or saw the good in anyone.
When asked why she said "people are always going to disappoint me, so why don't i just set my expectations for them really low?"
I get it now amy.
Maybe that is why i have been walked on and shit on by people and she hasn't.
Does it make me pathetic when I help someone that asks for help but then takes my help and throws it back in my face.
Or treating someone better than they have treated me?
The worst I have to say is knowing that someone is hurting me, but allowing it.

Since I have been in LA not a lot has made me smile.
I mean work is fine, friends down here are good for the most part, but the moment im alone I cant keep myself together.
Being alone hasnt been a problem for me in a really really long time. I mean shoot I used to LIVE alone.
But this time around everything hurts. Im not satisfied. Im confused. I cannot complete thoughts in my head.
Maybe its my birth control. Maybe its God. Maybe its me?

One thing I have realized while being here is not to rely on others.
I mean I can lean on my friends and family and such.
But I realized how unfair it is to my friends and family to try to have them fill something that is missing in me.
Something that I cannot even pin point.
I search for attention, security, and approval from them.
I have no idea why, I feel like I know who I am pretty well.
But when I am away I am texting, calling, myspacing all the time to them.
But they cant give me what I want.
They cant give me what I am missing while I am away.
I have finally realized that.
And when they DO try to give me comfort or whatever they fail miserably.
Saying things such as "oh well you will be home soon, well just hang in there, do you need to come home? Give it to God. Whos ass do you want me to kick, i miss you" blah blah blah.

I miss you has to be the absolute worst.
There such empty words.
There is really no point to them.
I don't feel like you miss me. I really dont.
Unless you are standing in front of me saying "I MISSED you"
or send me something, or do something for me that proves that you missed me, i just really, honestly don't believe you.
Its to make me feel better, it only makes it worse.

I wasn't prepared for this.