Standing on hopes ledge
Its a really scary feeling when you take a step back and look into your life and see that the only real thing that is keeping you alive is hope. When I think about the situations in my life and how hopeless they seem I wonder what it is that is keeping them hopeful. I realize that its God. God is the only thing that is pouring hope into each situation in my life, He is the one that gives me the energy and the drive to work through each situation with a steady pace. It worries me that it scares me that its God that is doing it. Of course as a prideful stubborn human being I want to be the one keeping my life afloat. But it is most defiantly God. The reason that worries me is because if I begin to separate myself from sitting in His presence, writing to Him, praying to Him, learning about Him, then most certainly my hope will dissipate.
My friend Meegan was online the other week and we began chatting, the normal chats such as "how are you?" or "Any new boys in your life", you know, that type of girly chat. Then it took a serious turn, you know the kind you try and avoid, especially if it is pointed towards yourself. Meegan started writing to me about my independence. Weird thing is, and she didn't know this, but the entire week leading up to this people kept commenting on my independence. Which was a weird thing for me to wrap my head around because I had never really felt independent. I mean there were times where I couldn't relate to people simply for the fact that I don't need the same affirmations, or I am not afraid to take risks (which I am still working on) or what have you. So knowing that people around me thought of me as independent was kind of a new idea for me to play with. Anyways, back to Meegan. She started telling me to not be afraid to completely rely on God. That even though I am independent in this world I need to be dependent on God. Then she really went for it, she said "because God is commonly depicted as a man, and you are a very strong advocate for women, I think you have problems trusting God is going to really take care of you. He is not going to let you down like the other men in your life. You don't need to be strong for God. He doesn't need you strong".
I cried a little bit (not as much as I am crying writing this though). The way that I would describe the feeling of what she said was almost like a rug trying to be pulled out beneath me. But I was standing firm, it was almost as if it was pulled a little bit and I stumbled, but then I took my firm stance again.
Now I have been continuously spending time with God every day, I sit down, read my devotional, read my bible, write and listen. I am really enjoying it, I need it if I am ever going to go back to LA. Well through this I feel like something has snuck its way into my life, this thing called peace, hope, and perseverance. And to anyone else they would be delighted with that, I mean I am delighted, well I am learning how to be delighted. See chaos is familiar to me, my family has always been on the go, quite chaotic. When troubles would arise such as family problems, money problems, friends issues I would go into this hopeless cry that things were spiraling out of control and I had lost all ground I had. My control was gone there for the outcome was scary. My rescuers? My parents. My mom would always talk me down, take care of it, pay for it, pray for it, show me where the hope was. What a blessing my mom is, but truthfully she is not what I need. Because she couldn't keep the breakdown from coming and she couldn't "fix" anything. She would just prolong my inevitable breakdown from lack of control of my life. I do not handle stress very well.
Here is the fun and scary part... When I spend time with God its like He tells me its all going to be ok even when I am not asking if it going to be ok. Its like He has already prepared me for what is to come so I can handle it appropriately. Its like He simplifies all my problems. He has instilled himself in me without me even knowing it.
Lets go back to me standing on the rug, say the rug is life. I stand firmly on it, but stumbling every time it is shaken. Have you ever been on a surfboard? Or on a mechanical bull? When things get shaky do you stand on it? No, you bring your weight down and distribute it evenly. So as I am spending time with God and my life is getting shaken I am not collapsing to the ground in fear and am gladly humbling myself to the one who has created my life and laying myself down to Him. I am not SHAKEN to the ground, I am not TAKEN to the ground, I am brought to my knees and then to my face. I am bowed down on the ground. God has taken my hand and helped me. We did this together.
What scares me is looking at the rug which is shaken vigorously from left to right, flung up and down and knowing that I am stronger than this, that it doesn't phase me. It is the unfamiliar behavior that scares me. I want to revert back to it just to get some comfort, to get some control. I heard this quote the other day and sadly I could relate to it "I cannot seem to control my happiness, but I can control my misery". Thank you Lord for building me stronger than this. Stronger than where I was 4 months ago. Thank you for my supportive family but thank you for having them not be able to financially support me because it is in you alone I find my wealth.
I will now go bow before you and ask for more and more.
Amen
My friend Meegan was online the other week and we began chatting, the normal chats such as "how are you?" or "Any new boys in your life", you know, that type of girly chat. Then it took a serious turn, you know the kind you try and avoid, especially if it is pointed towards yourself. Meegan started writing to me about my independence. Weird thing is, and she didn't know this, but the entire week leading up to this people kept commenting on my independence. Which was a weird thing for me to wrap my head around because I had never really felt independent. I mean there were times where I couldn't relate to people simply for the fact that I don't need the same affirmations, or I am not afraid to take risks (which I am still working on) or what have you. So knowing that people around me thought of me as independent was kind of a new idea for me to play with. Anyways, back to Meegan. She started telling me to not be afraid to completely rely on God. That even though I am independent in this world I need to be dependent on God. Then she really went for it, she said "because God is commonly depicted as a man, and you are a very strong advocate for women, I think you have problems trusting God is going to really take care of you. He is not going to let you down like the other men in your life. You don't need to be strong for God. He doesn't need you strong".
I cried a little bit (not as much as I am crying writing this though). The way that I would describe the feeling of what she said was almost like a rug trying to be pulled out beneath me. But I was standing firm, it was almost as if it was pulled a little bit and I stumbled, but then I took my firm stance again.
Now I have been continuously spending time with God every day, I sit down, read my devotional, read my bible, write and listen. I am really enjoying it, I need it if I am ever going to go back to LA. Well through this I feel like something has snuck its way into my life, this thing called peace, hope, and perseverance. And to anyone else they would be delighted with that, I mean I am delighted, well I am learning how to be delighted. See chaos is familiar to me, my family has always been on the go, quite chaotic. When troubles would arise such as family problems, money problems, friends issues I would go into this hopeless cry that things were spiraling out of control and I had lost all ground I had. My control was gone there for the outcome was scary. My rescuers? My parents. My mom would always talk me down, take care of it, pay for it, pray for it, show me where the hope was. What a blessing my mom is, but truthfully she is not what I need. Because she couldn't keep the breakdown from coming and she couldn't "fix" anything. She would just prolong my inevitable breakdown from lack of control of my life. I do not handle stress very well.
Here is the fun and scary part... When I spend time with God its like He tells me its all going to be ok even when I am not asking if it going to be ok. Its like He has already prepared me for what is to come so I can handle it appropriately. Its like He simplifies all my problems. He has instilled himself in me without me even knowing it.
Lets go back to me standing on the rug, say the rug is life. I stand firmly on it, but stumbling every time it is shaken. Have you ever been on a surfboard? Or on a mechanical bull? When things get shaky do you stand on it? No, you bring your weight down and distribute it evenly. So as I am spending time with God and my life is getting shaken I am not collapsing to the ground in fear and am gladly humbling myself to the one who has created my life and laying myself down to Him. I am not SHAKEN to the ground, I am not TAKEN to the ground, I am brought to my knees and then to my face. I am bowed down on the ground. God has taken my hand and helped me. We did this together.
What scares me is looking at the rug which is shaken vigorously from left to right, flung up and down and knowing that I am stronger than this, that it doesn't phase me. It is the unfamiliar behavior that scares me. I want to revert back to it just to get some comfort, to get some control. I heard this quote the other day and sadly I could relate to it "I cannot seem to control my happiness, but I can control my misery". Thank you Lord for building me stronger than this. Stronger than where I was 4 months ago. Thank you for my supportive family but thank you for having them not be able to financially support me because it is in you alone I find my wealth.
I will now go bow before you and ask for more and more.
Amen
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