Unused

I guess I should start this one out by saying. Well. hmm. As I spend more and more time with God everyday I can begin to recognize the fruits of His spirit in me. I can see where He is helping, working and encouraging. I cannot begin to describe how grateful I am for God and His works in my life. But my only problem with this is that its His work in MY life. ME ME ME. There are a few prayers that I have prayed in my life that God has taken a hold of and at times made me regret praying it. The first one that I can really remember was "Break my heart for what breaks Yours". I mean honestly, I guess that was totally my doing, just asking for it. So then began the tears, coming along side those who were in pain, trying to "fix" things. That then turned into codependency, which then turned into a weekly support ground called alanon, which forever has changed my life. That is not really the point. It gave me a new understanding of Gods heart. I couldn't drive by a dead animal on the side of the road without my heart literally hurting. Feeling Gods thoughts of "that was never my intention". I know it seems silly but its not something that can be explained, only experienced. The second prayer I remember praying was "Give me faith that brings me to my knees". HA! Oh Anna, when will you learn. God DOES answer prayers. Well shortly after that prayer God asked me to return to Redding (my hometown). With much squirming and screaming and whining and crying.... Redding it was. Then began the "stripping of the unnecessary". I would never compare myself to anything that Job went through, but it directly reflected Jobs story in my life. God was taking me through a Job season. For those of you who need caught up on the Job story in the Bible it is a story about a man that always praised God. Satan then said to God, He only praises You because you protect Him and give Him a good life. So the Lord released His protection over Job. Job then lost his family, his wealth and his health. I can relate in these ways because I had not even money to put gas in my car, a reoccuring injurity with head and back pains for 6 months now, and now that my mom and sister are working all the time I do not have them all the time. AGAIN, not comparing my life to Jobs. I am so lucky in many ways, but the intensity felt the same. I remember in February I didn't have money to pay my iphone bill. I remember being on my knees in my room crying. I NEED my phone God is what I thought. He later responded with "Oh, you like the iphone? now be downgraded to a blackberry that is not even offered anymore". It seems minute, I understand. But what once made me get on my knees in Feb now I can blink at and move on. I don't need my phone, I don't need gas in my car, I don't need money. What I do need is to understand that I am royalty to God. He is going to take care of me always. He is going to show me what I have and what I do not need. Hiedi Baker spoke on sunday and shared a vision she had. It was a large table as far as the eye can see filled with all types of food. Good food. Then she saw "christians" and they were scurrying the ground picking up the crumbs. Then God took them by the face and kissed them on the forehead and told each of them individually that they were His favorite. She said that as "Christians" we dont have the understanding that we have all the resources that God has. That we are to sit at the table and understand our worth and our power within the Lord. She told story after story of God showing up and bringing His miracles with Him. She talked about those who were starving, they were fed by God. By the holy spirit. Then I got hit with the baseball bat of reality. Reality never comes and visits you nicely. It never comes in as you are napping and in dreamland and taps you on the shoulder and softly said "Anna, come back, I've missed you". Nope. Its more like "WAKE UP YOU ASSHOLE! YOU LEFT AND YOUR LIFE IS A MESS, CLEAN IT UP!!!!" Yea, thats more like reality. Anyways, I started thinking about the things I hold important in my life such as goals. Currently I am trying to move back to LA and get a transfer with MAC. I am talking back and forth to the Santa Monica store specifically and am really pumped for the opportunity to be considered so far. But, I hear about miracles, about starving families, and lives saved and lives fulfilled. Inspiring stories from those who are secretly changing the world and stop for a second to just tell us how. Wow, here I am with my tiny little dream of working part time in a MAC store and out there is a big world in need of saving. I know that God can use us anywhere, I understand that. But I want to pick up the pen of HIStory. Omgosh. God, You are so good. HIS STORY. HISTORY! history is HIS story. Wow. Thank you God, how amazing is that. Anyways, I want to join in on the movement. I want to create the movement. What I am getting at here, through all of this, what the title of this means. I have seemed to have gotten myself into a place where I feel unused by God. I understand that there are areas of my life that I probably don't notice my influence. But, my time with God is good but I don't FEEL Him using me. I want to be used by God. I want Him to drag me along like a paintbrush. And when paint starts to clump on the brush He simply dunks me underwater and cleans off the dried up nonsense. Thats pretty accurate of how it feels. Scraping the nonsense off. haha. God, dear God. Please use me. Show me where to start the movement, where to join the movement. God Your heart makes me the happiest, esp when it beats as one. So Lord show me where you are moving. Where you want me to move. God pick me up with Your mighty hand and guide me along this ride of life. Lord make my LIFE A LIFE! One that is not forgotten. I can assume I can start getting excited for this journey. This life with You. You are my main man God.