Goodbye my brother
Received news today about my brother that has been struggling with addiction for about 5 years now. He had checked into another treatment center yesterday but then this morning his roommates couldn't wake him up this morning and they had found out that he had passed.
My mother pulled me and my sister out of yoga class and told us the news. Needless to say we were mortified. It wasn't 5 mins later God started spreaking.
God, first and foremost told me He was with me. He was all around me, there was no where that my pain was where God was not. He then gave me a vision of Robert. It was like God was standing in front of me and then Robert popped out from behind Him. So filled with joy and laughter. God made it clear that it was the type of joy he would never receive on earth.
It comforted me.
God then said "This time, I wanted him". God had told me that He wanted Robert back. He had created Robert and this time He was going to take him.
The tears continued but God was not going to stay quite. God then told me that Robert might have fought his entire life to save not only his own life, but a few of others. But through his passing he would be able to save so many more.
The thoughts of "what could I have done? What could have saved him? Why didn't I do this, why couldn't I do that" flooded my mind. I knew they were going to come and I know that they are already all answered. There is nothing I could of done.
As I was driving home I thought "How could I have saved him?" and then God responded with "What is my name?" I responded through tears "Savior". God then said "I have saved him Anna. I am the savior, I saved him"
The tears come and go but the pain is consistent. While showering, trying to scrub off any pain that I possibly could and then I saw and heard Robert in another vision. Robert and God were laughing together, they were playing some type of game, a game where I think Robert had to catch something. Robert spoke, his voice was different, it was deeper. His laugh was deeper, his smile was wider, the kind of smile he only had when he was clear in mind, sober. Robert now is forever sober.
I asked God why Roberts voice was different and Robert responded with "Duh, this is how God intended it to be".
The mix of emotions of having so much pain and grief and then so much joy and relief that he is now happy with Jesus.
God flood our family with comfort and Your voice. Continue speaking to me, continue showing me Robert. This is so painful to tell my flesh over and over again that Robert is NOW alive. Help me Jesus. Let my family feel the prayers.
Comments
Addiction is a family problem, it has to be dealt with as a family. I don't believe in rehabs and sober livings, and after this neither should anyone who knew him. He needed love and support, a sturdy consistency and a calm rational influence no matter how tempestuous.
If i'd ever had the money/means to come to him and pin him to the ground to save him i would have. He frustrated me, but i've been through worse, he couldn't have used excuses with me. I fooled myself into thinking he was stronger than this and he'd still be here at 50, still blogging the odd rant about something. He had a strength i admired, such a shame he couldn't acknowledge that.
You can share your conscience with a force greater than yourself if that's what helps you, but there was no Fate involved in taking him, he took his own life. That is tragic and was always avoidable.
If nothing else i know Robert was a self-indulgent son of a.. he'd have wanted some guilt felt. He'd have wanted some people to have been swallowed whole by guilt. "You oughta know" that
First of all, this is Anna's friend and roommate Laurie responding to your intelligent comment. Even though your comment has absolutely no value or worth to the subject matter at hand, you are obviously free to leave your own opinion, even though you are to cowardly to leave your name. If you feel that someone can save a drug addict then I dare you to walk into any treatment center, homeless shelter, or possibly find a friend of yours that has a problem with addiction and try to "love" them back to health. I truly wish you the best of luck with that. If love could sober up an alcoholic or a drug addict, most of the actively using would be sober at this moment. This is coming from a person who has addiction in their past and has seen the anguish it has caused their family and their friends. The love and support I received from my family meant nothing to me while in my addiction because of the true self-centeredness that exists because of this fatal disease.If you are so sure that human power on its own accord could have saved Robert or any other addict, then why didn't you do that? Speaking about a topic that you do not understand about is not only naive, its extremely ignorant and gross especially when we are talking about someones death. However, I again wish you the best of luck forcing drug addicts into sobriety in the future with all of your "love" and "support". You have showed a lot of love and support to Anna and her family.
-Laurie
From what “Anonymous” wrote @ 3:16am Saturday morning, it's apparent that the part of Robert he knew was the part ravaged and twisted by addiction, the real Robert, Roberts spirit and heart of gold wouldn’t wish guilt, hurt or pain on anyone.
I will agree that love is the answer and that the rehabs and sober living solutions in LA ain’t pretty. I aim to do something about that and Robert will always be my Poster Boy to that end.
There are thousands of ‘Roberts’ out there needing our collective help, love and support. Yeah, we can all do better and we will. We will be better people for what Robert brought to us.
You're right. A lot more could have been done to save Robert (i.e. break his leg and force him into the hospital, falsly accuse him of a crime and send him to jail, tie him to a chair for the rest of his life), but the truth about addiction is that an addict will not stop using until they want to stop using nomatter how much support and love they receive. 9 times out of 10 an addict will keep using if they know they have support because it means there is somewhere to land when addiction gets the leg up on them.
If there were steps to 'fix' Robert and diminish his cravings and need for substance then surely numerous individuals would have been racing eachother to complete them. Unfortunately, this isn't how living silmultaneously with others works in this world.
I find you trying to generate accusatory tones within your comment but all you say is the truth. "He took his own life", "addiction is a family problem", and "I fooled myself into thinking he was stronger than this." You are right, HE was responsible for the short-comings of his own life and YOU may have fooled yourself into thinking that he was stronger than to succumb. And the thing you are most correct about is that addiction IS a family problem; and his family lived that with him everyday. Robert's family carried him when he could not walk, supported him, loved him SO MUCH SO that they even tried to say it's us or your addiction hoping the ultimatum would prevail. But they could not stay away and leave him, because they loved him.
I'm sorry that you do not believe in sober living or treatment centers--you must not have immediate experience with addicts or mentally ill individuals.
And my final word for you, if you couldn't do anything to survive him then you certainly do not have the right to pass judgement on others that also were unable to survive him.
--Mo
I'm truly so sorry for your loss, you are so strong