Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Have you ever left something in your car by accident and had to go back out and get it? But looked out into the nigh time darkness and just thought "Nope, never mind". Especially if you are home alone, like, forget whatever the thing is, inhaler, Epipen, cell phone.... you're gonna die regardless. Because surely your murderer is hanging out in, and or, around the car. But when someone is with you its not so scary. I'm not sure if its because there is someone you can shove into harms way in case of a attempted murder, or if its the fact you can look someone in the eye and silently say "Lets get this killin son of a b**ch". I am not sure what it is that makes it so comforting. Maybe just knowing you don't have to face something alone. Well I must say, I am realizing its much more difficult than that when you get married. You would think life would be butterflies and orgasms, but things can be a lot scarier once you are married. Before I got married ...

I might have talked about in the past the fact that I have been diagnosed with PMDD. Pre-menstral Dysforic Disorder. Meaning when that time of the month comes around all the sudden no one texts me back to hang out, no one answer their phones, my family becomes just a memory and everyone is a shit driver. Then there is my husband. My sweet, patient, loving, caring husband. He bears the scratch marks. He is one of the only people who doesn't run from me. But the thing is, I understand why you would run. I don't know if any of you have gone through something so incrediably disturbing. Its like my mind can't pick just one personality. Theres the one who is emotionally charged, cant control the fact that a kitten yawning moves her to tears...... for 2 hours. Then theres the angry "go on, fuck with me" one that can look at anyone and behead them within 2 mins. Thoughts so terrible that if anyone could see what I do to people in my mind I would for sure be in a straight ...

Do you see it? Look closely..... what do you see? You see her shoes (well I see her shoes), the road shes on, the background, oh it looks like the silver car is driving the wrong way, maybe one of the store signs is a cuss word, maybe there is someone jumping from one of the buildings, etc. Did you find it? Often times I have these girls come and confide in me about their relationships. I don't really know why, i've only been in one relationship, I wouldn't consider myself an expert. The thing I hear most often is this hope that whatever relationship they are currently in or beginning will work out.  "I mean yea he smokes but it doesn't bother me that much, he doesn't really do it around me" "Hes not really into texting, hes a lot better in person" "He doesn't really like talking about the future, he likes to live day to day" "but hes good in bed" Sometimes we are so desperate to see something good, pure, astounding, excit...

Recently I started working at a store in Hollywood that has a lot of foot traffic. I am always getting to know a new client and hearing their story. I often ask "what are you getting your makeup done for today?" and then they continue with some story of a lavish party they are going to with a man 10 years younger than them. They tell me about their crazy ex boyfriends, about their obsession with older rich men, and the places they have only got to go to because of the men that they date. It is after they go on about their male issues that they eventually take notice of my wedding ring. They say "Um, are you married? You seem far to young to be married". I say "yes! I got married this year" and then comes "Oh, the honeymoon phase". The months leading up to my wedding I was constantly in a conversation with someone that would say "man, are you sure you are ready? Marriage is hard". Thanks for the encouragement everyone. Btw. I would lis...

Well considering I have written for many years about being alone and waiting for the one that inspires me, I figured I should continue to write about love and being in love. I know that I have been lacking a little on writing about being happy but apparently I like to complain more than I like to talk about how great things are. haha. Typical. Anyways, lets skip forward a bunch and talk about the fact that I am GETTING MARRIED!!!! I cannot stop crying. There are so many parts of me that are overwhelmed, anxious, excited, nervous, and overall freaking out. I got engaged in January and prayed about May 26th and set the date. Everyone kept telling me that is a quick engagement but what they really meant was "are you going to be able to save up ridiculous amounts of money by then?" Well, and leave time for pre marital counseling. Oh, and don't move or make any big life changes in the midst of all of it either because thats just adding stress upon stress. Just FYI. So wh...

Woah. Going from the previous posts for YEARS of complaining or contemplating love to being ENGAGED?! what a jump. I have been totally humbled through this experience because I always had such choice words from those who went so fast in a relationship. That got engaged and married so quickly, I had a timeline for them. I know how I feel about Bobby and I could honestly date him for 2 years 10 years or 10 months just as long as I am with him. I find the things in him that solidify that we can get through any issue. He has shown me in ways that aren't words that He has the living God inside him and with all that I can trust. Oh the faith of that man. We all really know I came to write this to rant right? Right! In most things in life I have known what to expect. I know that when I go to makeup school I would be dealing with makeup and makeup related people. I knew that when I went into a club I would be dancing and maybe sippin some good stuff. I knew that when someone wanted ...

I am not trying to lay out my dirty laundry here but I felt Gods pull for me to write this because some people will relate. We all know what it looks like to fight with our boyfriend/girlfriend, or disagreements I can say. I know that in the past when fighting with close friends that it took one little fight for them to give up. No warning, all the promises in the world put before us but one little fight and they're done. That, obviously, has given me quite a few issues throughout my friendships. Whether it was a feeling of desperation to keep them around (compromising who I am to get them to stay) or it was a feeling of putting myself last so they could feel love I am yet to learn a happy medium between taking care of me and taking care of others the way Christ did. Well having this knowledge I have sought counseling for these issues of abandonment. My longing for love can often come out in a codependent manner and my longing TO love can come out as a "savior complex" ...