Angry Bitch

I might have talked about in the past the fact that I have been diagnosed with PMDD. Pre-menstral Dysforic Disorder. Meaning when that time of the month comes around all the sudden no one texts me back to hang out, no one answer their phones, my family becomes just a memory and everyone is a shit driver. Then there is my husband.

My sweet, patient, loving, caring husband. He bears the scratch marks. He is one of the only people who doesn't run from me. But the thing is, I understand why you would run. I don't know if any of you have gone through something so incrediably disturbing. Its like my mind can't pick just one personality. Theres the one who is emotionally charged, cant control the fact that a kitten yawning moves her to tears...... for 2 hours. Then theres the angry "go on, fuck with me" one that can look at anyone and behead them within 2 mins. Thoughts so terrible that if anyone could see what I do to people in my mind I would for sure be in a straight jacket. Then theres the controlling paranoid one. The one that thinks hes cheating, that thinks this car behind me has been following me for 3 miles, what is there problem? Maybe its cause im on the freeway. Nope. They are following me. Creep. Then theres Anna who is trying to claw her way through all of them. Then one that still sees the look on peoples faces when one of these other girls has said something hurtful, ridiculous, or flat out pysco. 

A few years ago, PB, Pre Bobby, I was having one of my once-a-month breakdown. My best friend was helping me through it and assuring me things like "Anna God has someone out there for you, don't worry" and "you're only 23, you have your whole life to get successful the way you want to be successful" but then she said "you need to give up the thought that you are 'too much' for someone. You are not too much. You are fun, funny, caring and complicated. And that is ok"

That stuck with me so hard because I realized that I was so afraid no one was going to stick around through my madness. I felt helpless to this once a month crazy and I felt alone. 

The only reason I am COMPLETELY airing myself out right now is because of something my mom said to me just 2 days ago. I was having my melt down moment in the car, sitting outside target considering opening a target credit card just so I could, well, you know, buy the entire store. I said "why doesn't God just fix me. I turn so secular when I PMS. Partying sounds fun, drugs sound fun, escaping this crazy sounds fun" My mom said "you need to share what you go through. You are not crazy. There have to be other girls out there that go through something simular and they need to know they are not alone, like you have felt"

Fine. Mom. ugh.

Then back to Bobby. He is patient, he is guarded at times (who wouldn't be when I walk around with an emotional ax) but he doesn't run. He clearly states to me "this isn't the way I deserve to be treated and when you think you can treat me well, then we can talk" Oh so the ball is in my court? Well that sucks because I will probably just eat the ball because I am so HUNGRY ALL THE TIME! However, it helps me grasp this idea of trying to control the madness. I don't want to treat him bad, I want to love him like I normally do.

I usually go to spend time somewhere else so I mistreat strangers and not my husband.

Then theres Jesus. JESUS HELP ME, MY HUSBAND IS SO NICE AND I AM SO MEAN. I swear to you when I called out to God its like he gave me a vallum. Or peace. Probably peace. But whatever it was, it felt amazing. 

I don't really have the biggest reason for writing this other than to give a glimpse into a mind of a woman who loves well but also has moments where I feel crazy. To women out there who are worried that because you don't have it all together all the time, its ok. You are worth sitting and figuring things out with. You are not going to be alone and you are stronger than you think.