Scared of the Company

Have you ever left something in your car by accident and had to go back out and get it? But looked out into the nigh time darkness and just thought "Nope, never mind". Especially if you are home alone, like, forget whatever the thing is, inhaler, Epipen, cell phone.... you're gonna die regardless. Because surely your murderer is hanging out in, and or, around the car. But when someone is with you its not so scary. I'm not sure if its because there is someone you can shove into harms way in case of a attempted murder, or if its the fact you can look someone in the eye and silently say "Lets get this killin son of a b**ch". I am not sure what it is that makes it so comforting. Maybe just knowing you don't have to face something alone.

Well I must say, I am realizing its much more difficult than that when you get married. You would think life would be butterflies and orgasms, but things can be a lot scarier once you are married.

Before I got married I was a little bit of a rascal. I would make decisions on a whim. Oh whats that? I wanna move back to LA? OK, two weeks later I'm broke as shit BUT living in LA. Grocery shopping at the 99 cent store became very familiar to me and I wouldn't give a shrug of the shoulder about it. There were times that I would wonder if I made the right decision. If I could handle living this uncertain life just to live out what seemed to make me happy. Would this dream last as long as the sacrifices I was making for it. But at the end of the day, when I have exhausted all resources (that I knew of) and felt no closer, when rent is due, when my Macy's card is 3 days late on its payment, the only person looking back at me in the mirror is me. I could handle my late payments, my failures, my decisions.

But now I am married. I have a family. I have someone else looking at me as well and wondering "is this really worth it?"  I would never want to put Bobby through that. I would never want to compromise the dreams of my best friend, the quality of life of my best friend, and the sacrifices that he would have to make in order to chase MY dream.

Now lets get one thing straight before I continue. Bobby is one of the most supportive people in my life. He has been to the depths with me because he knew it was what I believed to do. He has been willing to give up comfortably in order for me to find complete happiness and success. He has declared that the more he gets to know me and my heart that fulfilling my passion has become a passion of his own. He will truly lay down his own life to give me life. With that, the pressure of failing such a selfless man, such a believer of who I am and what I am capable of, has become almost crippling. I am so afraid to fail. I have never really been THAT afraid to fail. Its almost as if I need to walk into the dark and I don't want him to come with me. I want him to stay safe because its my fault I need to go out there to begin with. Because I can handle looking at myself with disappointment or a shrug of the shoulder, but when the man that chases after me with such blind abandon finally opens his eyes to what? His wife finally fulfilled? Or a mess that she has gotten herself, or both of them, into.

At what point do I abandon this newly adopted fear and chase after it with all that I have left, and at what point is it just selfish?

This by no means that I just give up on my dreams and just live a safe life. But what is the compromise here? What does it look like to take chances with my career without having to worry about my love? I have such big dreams, like really healthy sized dreams..... what now?

I am not asking for the answer from anyone. I know God will reveal these things to me as I continue to take things day by day, step by step, worship song by worship song, prayer by prayer. God has me in such a unique place. Anytime God has me asking questions, I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be. All glory to Him.