The Honeymoon Illusion
Recently I started working at a store in Hollywood that has a lot of foot traffic. I am always getting to know a new client and hearing their story. I often ask "what are you getting your makeup done for today?" and then they continue with some story of a lavish party they are going to with a man 10 years younger than them. They tell me about their crazy ex boyfriends, about their obsession with older rich men, and the places they have only got to go to because of the men that they date. It is after they go on about their male issues that they eventually take notice of my wedding ring. They say "Um, are you married? You seem far to young to be married". I say "yes! I got married this year" and then comes "Oh, the honeymoon phase".
The months leading up to my wedding I was constantly in a conversation with someone that would say "man, are you sure you are ready? Marriage is hard". Thanks for the encouragement everyone. Btw. I would listen, I would talk about what they meant by that, I would be generally interested, I would. However, I am not a stranger to what something being hard looks like (dont be dirty you guys, gosh). I spent 24 years before I met Bobby living in the "hard". You know, working on myself. Going to counseling for my issues. No one made me go to counseling, there was no tragic break up, there was not a long distance love story, there was no sexual abuse in my past. It was purely me so tired of being angry with men that I sought help. I was so exhausted. Any man that would show an interest I had reason to believe that he wanted to make me his housewife, or would weaken me in what I wanted to do in life. He was a chauvinistic, insecure fraction of the man I wanted. Needless to say, with that anger and with the draining counseling sessions, it was hard.
Since 6th grade I have found myself crying over some guy. Either he was mean to me, didn't like me back, hurt someone I like, "manipulated" my friends, the list goes on. I am all too familiar of what it looks like to be crying in my room, hearing my deep cries echo off my room walls because all I wanted was to be desired. I wanted to be someones "everything". It was in the years between the Spice Girls and Iphones that I spent alone. Watching friends go on dates, get love notes, have some hot makeout sessions, get asked to prom and get a lot of free dinners. They had one lover after another. And I had one Lover. The greatest Lover I have ever known. God.
The nights I spent crying out for someone He would speak. He would take me to the verses that reminded me of who I was and why I was important. He would see my desires and He would promise me that if I didn't settle, He would bring me the greatest gift. It was hard. Hard actually doesn't even describe it when I begin to revisit the thoughts of being alone. There would be MANY months that would go by that I would be so kick ass by myself, truly celebrating my life and not just who was in it. I would be like "Hell yea im single, bring on the hot chocolate and cats, lets get through this winter". I was building confidence in myself. Who I was, what I offered, and why I was beautiful. No matter if anyone was telling me I was or not.
It has been 5 months since I said "I do" to my husband, Bobby. But it was years before I met Bobby that I said "I do" to this life. Saying "I do" to working hard for what I deserve. Asking myself "do you think its worth it, all the crying, all the nights spent alone, all the nights when God was all you had to comfort you?"
"I do"
So, when someone says I am in my honeymoon phase I think "Yea, if I married someone based on their looks, based on the amount of money they made, based on how romantic he was....the honeymoon phase would end" But, I married someone based on the friendship he gives me, based on if he treats me the way I waited to be treated, based on if he learns how to love me from greatest Lover I have ever known, God. So when you insinuate that my love for Bobby will only diminish the longer I am with him, then you need to know what it looks like to truly say "I do" to this life and this love.
Because even though it is hard at times, I embrace it, I sit in it, I cry out to God in it and I see the blessings of working through it. I am not in any phase or delusion, I am simply in the love that I waited for.
The months leading up to my wedding I was constantly in a conversation with someone that would say "man, are you sure you are ready? Marriage is hard". Thanks for the encouragement everyone. Btw. I would listen, I would talk about what they meant by that, I would be generally interested, I would. However, I am not a stranger to what something being hard looks like (dont be dirty you guys, gosh). I spent 24 years before I met Bobby living in the "hard". You know, working on myself. Going to counseling for my issues. No one made me go to counseling, there was no tragic break up, there was not a long distance love story, there was no sexual abuse in my past. It was purely me so tired of being angry with men that I sought help. I was so exhausted. Any man that would show an interest I had reason to believe that he wanted to make me his housewife, or would weaken me in what I wanted to do in life. He was a chauvinistic, insecure fraction of the man I wanted. Needless to say, with that anger and with the draining counseling sessions, it was hard.
Since 6th grade I have found myself crying over some guy. Either he was mean to me, didn't like me back, hurt someone I like, "manipulated" my friends, the list goes on. I am all too familiar of what it looks like to be crying in my room, hearing my deep cries echo off my room walls because all I wanted was to be desired. I wanted to be someones "everything". It was in the years between the Spice Girls and Iphones that I spent alone. Watching friends go on dates, get love notes, have some hot makeout sessions, get asked to prom and get a lot of free dinners. They had one lover after another. And I had one Lover. The greatest Lover I have ever known. God.
The nights I spent crying out for someone He would speak. He would take me to the verses that reminded me of who I was and why I was important. He would see my desires and He would promise me that if I didn't settle, He would bring me the greatest gift. It was hard. Hard actually doesn't even describe it when I begin to revisit the thoughts of being alone. There would be MANY months that would go by that I would be so kick ass by myself, truly celebrating my life and not just who was in it. I would be like "Hell yea im single, bring on the hot chocolate and cats, lets get through this winter". I was building confidence in myself. Who I was, what I offered, and why I was beautiful. No matter if anyone was telling me I was or not.
It has been 5 months since I said "I do" to my husband, Bobby. But it was years before I met Bobby that I said "I do" to this life. Saying "I do" to working hard for what I deserve. Asking myself "do you think its worth it, all the crying, all the nights spent alone, all the nights when God was all you had to comfort you?"
"I do"
So, when someone says I am in my honeymoon phase I think "Yea, if I married someone based on their looks, based on the amount of money they made, based on how romantic he was....the honeymoon phase would end" But, I married someone based on the friendship he gives me, based on if he treats me the way I waited to be treated, based on if he learns how to love me from greatest Lover I have ever known, God. So when you insinuate that my love for Bobby will only diminish the longer I am with him, then you need to know what it looks like to truly say "I do" to this life and this love.
Because even though it is hard at times, I embrace it, I sit in it, I cry out to God in it and I see the blessings of working through it. I am not in any phase or delusion, I am simply in the love that I waited for.
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