Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

One would think that once you have "found ones self" it would be impossible to "lose ones self". This is my finding and losing of myself. Being the youngest of the family and having an amazing, driven, overacheving older sister, I found it all too easy to hang out in the background. I am not going to pretend that I didnt have a booming personality that often brought me to the forefront but at the same time I didn't seem to mind being in the background during certain seasons of life. Of which little talent is shown little is to be expected. I played tennis along side my sister and yea I was "good" in the eyes of my tennis coaches and other tennis professionals but tennis was my sisters thing. I would never take that from her and I never really wanted it anyways. Oh the matches that could have gone down between us on national TV would have brought quite the tune in though I must say. No one would even know the name Venus and Serena Williams. My parents...

Well I don't know exactly what is going to come out in this blog because I don't have anything in mind to write. I was just worshiping while doing the dishes and I felt God telling me to sit down with the computer. I can think of a couple things in my life that I am going through right now that He is walking me through so I am guessing that is where He is going to take me. Alright, so I have written in blogs previous that I am going to counseling to work on some issues I have with men and boy oh boy (ba dum chh) has it been fun. When I first entered into counseling I was pretty beat up by all the "relationships" I have had in the past. The fear, the pain, the abandonment, the lies, the shallow minded, the objectification, and so on and so on. I wanted to be free of it all, I wanted to know that things get better. That in fact this is not the way to carry on with my brokenness and my "stay the eff away from me" written on my forehead. I knew that it was qui...

This blog might be a little out of date because I have been letting this thought brew in my mind for a little while now. This thought came about when I was talking to someone about whether or not a move back to LA would be good for them and their career. Odd of the conversation to have me telling her to stay in Redding. Not like me Anyways, as we all know I am now living in my hometown now. I came back kicking and screaming from LA but I knew that it was the right move because it became undeniable. There are probably still scratch marks on the road from me moving home. Well as I have been here I have been praying and asking God why I am here and when can I move back? Not that Redding isn't nice, and the people are amazing, but there is no industry here. Well then lately I have been hearing talk of this movie studio coming to redding, that actor that is here checking out my home church, this professor here and teaching classes. Basically these big industry puzzle pieces that are s...

Well tonight is not what I planned for.... thats for sure. I attended the Holiness conference that was put on my Risen King with my roommates and some friends tonight and I was really excited to hear that Kris Vallotton was speaking because he is a really funny guy. He is the lead pastor of the Moral Revolution for Jesus Culture and I have heard numerous of his talks as well as watched my best friends life transformed in a radical way when it comes to sexual purity. Needless to say I have much respect for him. I was expecting to get goodness about staying sexually pure and how to do so and so on and so on, things that I could give practical application to when it comes to my life. But then he said that God woke him up last night and gave him a word that he was to speak on something different. Wholeness. Ok i'm down with hearing about some wholeness. Lord knows I could use some wholeness. At first he was telling very funny stories about childbirth, his wife, his kids, his grandk...

Just a warning, this entry will be a little jumpy. Ill start with my wonderful counselor. She has brought me through some pretty "teary" sessions where I just throw up my issues on the table and she helps me go through them and find some sanity again. I cannot thank her enough for her consistent patience with me as I try and figure all this out. Anyways, this last week I came to her with a quite a bit of self pity and worry. As I begin to open the possibility of being pursued I have met a few different men in a few different venues. As I began "having fun" aka flirting (which is something pretty new to me) anyone that has known me for a while know that I prefer to just be the sarcastic funny friend or at least that is what I was comfortable being. So as I began actually being NICE and allowing them to pursue me I get uncomfortable because this is so new to me that I feel a lack of control. Especially a lack of boundaries because again, this is all so new. I th...

I find that my walk with God is much like stumbling through life.  I am walking along just like I know what I am doing and then BOOM I start to fall. It is quite humbling but I have 2 choices as I start to fall...... 1. Allow myself to hit the ground and stay on the ground 2. Grasp onto the cloak of Jesus and let Him help me back up I find life to be challenging, yes I said it, even WITH Jesus. This shit is hard. Learning how to keep myself in check and keep my eyes on Jesus is like running hurdles. I get a good running start, I am confident, I am happy and as my mind starts to wander or as I begin to get impatient and try to set my own pace that is different than Gods is when my foot hits the hurdle and I go flying forward, or backward. I was with a friend the other day and he was talking to me a little bit about his past and he said that he knew that he was walking the wrong path and he felt that God was beginning to take away His protections over him. Which if we really si...

This blog is an absolute inner struggle between who I think I am and who God intended for me to be. You must know this first, my personality. My personality is one of which the first question that pops into my head when options are presented to me are "Which one would be the most fun?". I love having fun, I love laughing, I love loud noises and bright colors. Its who I am. Which might explain why I took the career route that requires glitter the most. My mom told me that when I was younger the way she motivated me to do any chores was to motivate me with fun. She said that she would ask me to clean my room and I would tell her I would but then she said I always took my sweet time with it. Well then I would want to go to the mall with some friends and I would beg her to go and she would say "sure, clean your room and you can go" and then WHOOSH my room would get cleaned like the Queen was coming for a visit. So this whole paragraph was just to explain my personalit...