Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

"Oh you of little faith" That was written to me. I feel like I am growing and growing and growing with the Lord and then BOOM. "You of little faith". What I am realizing is I can have all the faith in the world but when I don't get what I want..... then its back into my hands. See I prayed a while back "God give me the faith that brings me to my knees" Which was practically asking "God strip away everything that I am comfortable with and see if I still love you". I felt like I was doing pretty well at accepting Gods will over mine. You know the whole moving back to redding, being poor, not having my best friends here, no industry here, feeling like I gave up my career and basically everything that makes my heart pitter patter. But now I am realizing, when God starts to take all those away, what does my heart pitter patter for? Is it God? Or do I long for those things of which I knew? Well let me just answer that for you. I CLEARLY long for al...

I don't even know how to start this one. Maybe ill just say "OUCH!" because that is what sparked it all. I think I have talked about in blogs past how I have struggled with a ongoing back injury since 2009. It is usually pretty tame but when it flares up it KILLS me! Well anyways I got a massage a little over a week ago from this woman named Shandy. My mom and sister have gone to her a couple of times and have told me the horrible stories of the painful things she does in order to relieve muscles of the pain. Well I went to her last week, sweating profusely before I even got there cause I was so nervous and she assured me that if I just communicate with her that she would do it lightly. Well after I got done I walked out like a dog with its tail between its legs because it was so painful, like I had bruises all over my back. But as she was massaging me she wast telling me there were numerous types of stress that our muscles hold onto. She said mine was emotional stress th...

God. Reason with me here. I was reflecting last night on my life, recent events and even just the big picture and this is not where I saw myself at 23. God I know that you didn't create me for ordinary and that is exactly what I feel like I am living. I know that you are taking me on an adventure, I know that, but this just feel ordinary. There is NOTHING wrong with ordinary, but I don't feel like it is for me. I was at work yesterday and I was talking to a client. She was saying that she moved here from san fransicso and that she used to where heels every day and now she wears nothing but pajamas. Then I started thinking about how someone recently referred to me as pajama Anna. Anyone that knew me 6 months ago would have never said that about me, I have always been one to express myself through fashion and style and as of lately I don't feel the need to. I know it has to do with living in redding but I shouldn't change me. Like today I decided to wear heels to work, an...

This blog will be a little lighter than that recent ones, I hope. It is just my thoughts, struggles, and learning process of debt. First off, I think that credit, loans, and finances is something they should def teach in depth in highschool. It was not taught when I went, not that I know of anyway, and it has affected my life in a negative way. Now I am not going to act like this wasn't TOTALLY my fault and I should have been the one to educate myself on this, but at the naive age of 18 that didn't sound too fun. So my point being in this paragraph is there should be better education on finances. Alright, here we go. So when I was 18 I was given a credit card with about a 700 dollar limit. So my parents said "here, this will help you build your credit" and so I thought ooooo spending money will help me in some way. Well lets see, 4 years of that later and now being hit with actually making the payments I am a little freaked and frustrated. I have been paying off my ig...

So. Just to make things light in the beginning of this I would like to say.... Mentally, the past week has been exhausting. My opinion of a vacation right now is to be put in a straight jacket, in a white padded room, and be allowed to scream and bang my head against the wall and just be normal for once, well, normal for a insane asylum. But for now, I have my room, my pillow, my Bible and my thoughts. Two nights ago around 1:30 in the morning I was laying down to go to sleep. I was somewhat in peace. I mean my thoughts are always racing at the end of my day and thats probably why it takes me so long to fall asleep but they were racing as usual. Well then all the sudden it felt like something from the inside hit my gut. It was almost like my heart had started yelling at my gut that something wasn't right. Then the floodgates were released, the lies took over. They went a little something like this "They're all lying Anna. You can trust no one, no one is worthy of your trus...

I do not have the time to begin to even skim the surface of how much shit ive been processing lately. My brain is exhausted from fighting what I have always known as truth and learning what is really true. The past couple of months have been filled with tears, regret, anger, wrestling with God, yelling at God, and then humbled by my Maker. I am just going to tell you about the past 24 hours and hopefully then you will begin to understand why I am so exhausted. To begin lets go back about a month. I sat in my bed, crying..... ok weeping because I began to feel.... well feel the unknown. I have been hurt in the past, hurt so bad it effects my relationships now, and not in a positive way. I have been living in fear of getting hurt that bad again. So God was revealing to me this night I was weeping how I have been surviving. He showed me a picture of this rickity wooden bridge that was so high up in the air that if the bridge was broken you would surely die. He showed me walking on this br...

Tonight I sit here with my heart completely broken for what has always broken yours. I come to you, calling on my knees, calling you my Groom, my lover, my comforter, my strength, my courage, my most consistent, my father, my enlightener, my best friend, my support, my covering, my shield, my sword, my walk, my dad. I declare you over my life. God take the fear away. Take the fear away take the fear away Thank you for shredding my pride and making me observant of how weakened I have become. God build me up, strip me down, disciple me, and free me. I no longer seek what this world wants. God I seek to love you and love others in your name. God you are so full of light and love and God I pray that you use me to deliver it to your people. I hate living in a society to where pain is quieted only to make sure nothing is distracted from the devils plan and to continue the seduction. God thank you for being a forgiving dad, for embracing me for who I am and not allowing shame to be a part of ...