OUCH!
I don't even know how to start this one. Maybe ill just say "OUCH!" because that is what sparked it all. I think I have talked about in blogs past how I have struggled with a ongoing back injury since 2009. It is usually pretty tame but when it flares up it KILLS me! Well anyways I got a massage a little over a week ago from this woman named Shandy. My mom and sister have gone to her a couple of times and have told me the horrible stories of the painful things she does in order to relieve muscles of the pain. Well I went to her last week, sweating profusely before I even got there cause I was so nervous and she assured me that if I just communicate with her that she would do it lightly. Well after I got done I walked out like a dog with its tail between its legs because it was so painful, like I had bruises all over my back. But as she was massaging me she wast telling me there were numerous types of stress that our muscles hold onto. She said mine was emotional stress that I stuff down. Now most people that know me would know that I am a very dramatic person, I don't find myself as a person that stuffs my emotions, I think I wear them very well and in turn makes me seem crazy sometimes. But anyways she said that she released a lot of my "emotional stress" and that she wouldn't be surprised if I went home and cried because all of it was now coming out. I mostly walked out going "sure lady" and went along my night, which didn't involve any tears.
Well I had a massage from her again yesterday. Don't go thinking I am a spoiled brat with these massages because it would be comparing it to a tornado passing by your house and only ripping the roof off, oh how spoiled. Its more of a "you survived?" how spoiled. Anyways, she began massaging my back, painful as normal but then as she started to go over the area of my back that was where the original injury was it hurt much much much much more than before. She went over it one more time but this time harder and I just lost it. As she went over it it was almost like slow motion. Her elbow dragged across my back and as the pain crept up to as blaring as the pain was when I first injured it, flashes of images flew through my head. The first image was where I was when the injury happened... being surrounded by "friends" and no one seemed to care I couldnt walk, second image was strapped down in the emergency room as I was left in a room alone, third image was Robert (my old best friend) and watching him take my pain pills out of my bag, forth images was crying in my moms arms because all I wanted was a normal 21 year olds life and then the thoughts of being told by the doctor I couldn't run again, fifth image was looking at an x-ray of my back and the doctor showing me where I was injured. Now back to me laying on the table I yelled "Stop! please stop! I can't, I can't do this!" as tears fell down my face onto the table. I laid there after I freaked and thought "woah, was that was she was talking about? because that was a lot for just touching a sensitive area".
Well last night is when my heart started to feel pretty heavy. God just asking me to pray. So I have been praying a lot since last night and most of today, I knew God wanted me to write and now I know why. God was revealing to me that what happened yesterday was much like our spiritual walk.
I got hurt
I learned how to mask it until I got used to it
I stopped using that part of my back
and it just flared up every once in a while
My walk with God
Someone hurt me
I shut that person out
I avoided getting hurt like that again
I became hyper sensitive to anything that would make me hurt
It would flare up every once in a while and show me something I didn't like about myself so I would go back to avoiding it
As I told Shandy how much it hurt she said "this is good, we have been making progression, because now we have reached to the deeper tissues, the ones that are injured" hmmm
God is not a God to avoid things. He is all powerful and all healer. When walking into something hard, I am the one to run around and cause ruckus to try to escape the pain as God is waiting there with the solution. I have talked to people that have said that they avoid things because they don't like who they are when they are around these things but where can God heal the hurt in that? I invite us to go into the things that hurt because God will stay true to His words and walk us through it. We hold on to what has happened in the past so much that sometimes it cripples us from moving forward. Aka, all my past memories and pain that I remembered when she cause me pain there in my back crippled me from moving forward. Granted its a little different, but you get it. Anyways my point being I have no point. ha.
These are just the ponderings of a strong, independent, compassionate, hopeful, God driven child.
Well I had a massage from her again yesterday. Don't go thinking I am a spoiled brat with these massages because it would be comparing it to a tornado passing by your house and only ripping the roof off, oh how spoiled. Its more of a "you survived?" how spoiled. Anyways, she began massaging my back, painful as normal but then as she started to go over the area of my back that was where the original injury was it hurt much much much much more than before. She went over it one more time but this time harder and I just lost it. As she went over it it was almost like slow motion. Her elbow dragged across my back and as the pain crept up to as blaring as the pain was when I first injured it, flashes of images flew through my head. The first image was where I was when the injury happened... being surrounded by "friends" and no one seemed to care I couldnt walk, second image was strapped down in the emergency room as I was left in a room alone, third image was Robert (my old best friend) and watching him take my pain pills out of my bag, forth images was crying in my moms arms because all I wanted was a normal 21 year olds life and then the thoughts of being told by the doctor I couldn't run again, fifth image was looking at an x-ray of my back and the doctor showing me where I was injured. Now back to me laying on the table I yelled "Stop! please stop! I can't, I can't do this!" as tears fell down my face onto the table. I laid there after I freaked and thought "woah, was that was she was talking about? because that was a lot for just touching a sensitive area".
Well last night is when my heart started to feel pretty heavy. God just asking me to pray. So I have been praying a lot since last night and most of today, I knew God wanted me to write and now I know why. God was revealing to me that what happened yesterday was much like our spiritual walk.
I got hurt
I learned how to mask it until I got used to it
I stopped using that part of my back
and it just flared up every once in a while
My walk with God
Someone hurt me
I shut that person out
I avoided getting hurt like that again
I became hyper sensitive to anything that would make me hurt
It would flare up every once in a while and show me something I didn't like about myself so I would go back to avoiding it
As I told Shandy how much it hurt she said "this is good, we have been making progression, because now we have reached to the deeper tissues, the ones that are injured" hmmm
God is not a God to avoid things. He is all powerful and all healer. When walking into something hard, I am the one to run around and cause ruckus to try to escape the pain as God is waiting there with the solution. I have talked to people that have said that they avoid things because they don't like who they are when they are around these things but where can God heal the hurt in that? I invite us to go into the things that hurt because God will stay true to His words and walk us through it. We hold on to what has happened in the past so much that sometimes it cripples us from moving forward. Aka, all my past memories and pain that I remembered when she cause me pain there in my back crippled me from moving forward. Granted its a little different, but you get it. Anyways my point being I have no point. ha.
These are just the ponderings of a strong, independent, compassionate, hopeful, God driven child.
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