Survival Mode
"Oh you of little faith"
That was written to me. I feel like I am growing and growing and growing with the Lord and then BOOM. "You of little faith".
What I am realizing is I can have all the faith in the world but when I don't get what I want..... then its back into my hands. See I prayed a while back "God give me the faith that brings me to my knees" Which was practically asking "God strip away everything that I am comfortable with and see if I still love you". I felt like I was doing pretty well at accepting Gods will over mine. You know the whole moving back to redding, being poor, not having my best friends here, no industry here, feeling like I gave up my career and basically everything that makes my heart pitter patter. But now I am realizing, when God starts to take all those away, what does my heart pitter patter for? Is it God? Or do I long for those things of which I knew?
Well let me just answer that for you. I CLEARLY long for all the things that consisted of "my life". It started with my phone getting shut off, even though it was partly ATTs fault, my bill was $210 dollars, that of which I do not have. So there went my iphone. Ok I can live without a iphone, but a phone in general? The first thing I thought of was my mom, I text my mom all the time, I love talking to my mom, how will I then reach her? Snail mail?!?! My heart started racing, and then came the chest
tightness, then came the tears welling up in my eyes and then came.... survival mode.
"Ill find a job, I am good at finding a job if I need a job, let me start thinking of all the places I can apply, Ill call the MACs in sac and san fran, they are bound to have some extra hours, ill sell my camera, and my car! Do I need my car? Yes I need my car, keep the car, what else can I do to get MY WAY BACK?!" See, I didn't want to know if it was Gods will for me not to have a phone. I wanted my phone back, my comfort, what is known to be a piece in my life. So I prayed
Me- "God, if I get a job I will give you the glory"
God- "Give me the glory now"
WOAH! WAIT WAIT WAIT. You want me to give you glory when I am not happy? Woah, when did I sign up for this? Oh yea, when I died to my own selfish ways and became a part of the bigger picture.
Me- "But God, I need work"
God- "You are a part of my works"
Uh! This is not what I want to be hearing. So now what? Just sit and wait for God to take care of me? I feel like that would be super lazy of me. To just sit.
I was talking to a friend recently and I was complaining about how I am broke all month and then right towards then end I somehow get this little rush of work and I seem to be fine. I said I worry and worry and worry and get anxious and start freaking out! I asked "When will it end?"
Friend- "When you stop freaking out, if you knew for real that God was going to take care of you then why would you be freaking?"
But what if He doesn't?
That seems to be my big question.
What if the God that knows the hairs on my head and created the stars for me to gain inspiration from, what if, He doesn't.
This is where I am at friends. These are my current struggles. And also I think at what part is He not "providing" for me and at what point is He just taking me some where completely different.
All I know is that these are two current thoughts and themes that seem to be popping up in my mind as I pray.
Going back to school for womens studies
New York
I will continue to pray about them but I would literally be giving up all that I know, throwing me into a new area and then mix in my enemy.... school. Please pray with me as I figure myself out. But as I prayed today I got this verse
"Whom shall I send?"
"Here I am, send me"
Reoccurring verse I keep getting led to. Not to mention I want to get part of it tattooed on my arm. Please let me know your thoughts and if you can relate to me at all.
That was written to me. I feel like I am growing and growing and growing with the Lord and then BOOM. "You of little faith".
What I am realizing is I can have all the faith in the world but when I don't get what I want..... then its back into my hands. See I prayed a while back "God give me the faith that brings me to my knees" Which was practically asking "God strip away everything that I am comfortable with and see if I still love you". I felt like I was doing pretty well at accepting Gods will over mine. You know the whole moving back to redding, being poor, not having my best friends here, no industry here, feeling like I gave up my career and basically everything that makes my heart pitter patter. But now I am realizing, when God starts to take all those away, what does my heart pitter patter for? Is it God? Or do I long for those things of which I knew?
Well let me just answer that for you. I CLEARLY long for all the things that consisted of "my life". It started with my phone getting shut off, even though it was partly ATTs fault, my bill was $210 dollars, that of which I do not have. So there went my iphone. Ok I can live without a iphone, but a phone in general? The first thing I thought of was my mom, I text my mom all the time, I love talking to my mom, how will I then reach her? Snail mail?!?! My heart started racing, and then came the chest
tightness, then came the tears welling up in my eyes and then came.... survival mode.
"Ill find a job, I am good at finding a job if I need a job, let me start thinking of all the places I can apply, Ill call the MACs in sac and san fran, they are bound to have some extra hours, ill sell my camera, and my car! Do I need my car? Yes I need my car, keep the car, what else can I do to get MY WAY BACK?!" See, I didn't want to know if it was Gods will for me not to have a phone. I wanted my phone back, my comfort, what is known to be a piece in my life. So I prayed
Me- "God, if I get a job I will give you the glory"
God- "Give me the glory now"
WOAH! WAIT WAIT WAIT. You want me to give you glory when I am not happy? Woah, when did I sign up for this? Oh yea, when I died to my own selfish ways and became a part of the bigger picture.
Me- "But God, I need work"
God- "You are a part of my works"
Uh! This is not what I want to be hearing. So now what? Just sit and wait for God to take care of me? I feel like that would be super lazy of me. To just sit.
I was talking to a friend recently and I was complaining about how I am broke all month and then right towards then end I somehow get this little rush of work and I seem to be fine. I said I worry and worry and worry and get anxious and start freaking out! I asked "When will it end?"
Friend- "When you stop freaking out, if you knew for real that God was going to take care of you then why would you be freaking?"
But what if He doesn't?
That seems to be my big question.
What if the God that knows the hairs on my head and created the stars for me to gain inspiration from, what if, He doesn't.
This is where I am at friends. These are my current struggles. And also I think at what part is He not "providing" for me and at what point is He just taking me some where completely different.
All I know is that these are two current thoughts and themes that seem to be popping up in my mind as I pray.
Going back to school for womens studies
New York
I will continue to pray about them but I would literally be giving up all that I know, throwing me into a new area and then mix in my enemy.... school. Please pray with me as I figure myself out. But as I prayed today I got this verse
"Whom shall I send?"
"Here I am, send me"
Reoccurring verse I keep getting led to. Not to mention I want to get part of it tattooed on my arm. Please let me know your thoughts and if you can relate to me at all.
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