Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Tonight I sit here with my heart completely broken for what has always broken yours. I come to you, calling on my knees, calling you my Groom, my lover, my comforter, my strength, my courage, my most consistent, my father, my enlightener, my best friend, my support, my covering, my shield, my sword, my walk, my dad. I declare you over my life. God take the fear away. Take the fear away take the fear away Thank you for shredding my pride and making me observant of how weakened I have become. God build me up, strip me down, disciple me, and free me. I no longer seek what this world wants. God I seek to love you and love others in your name. God you are so full of light and love and God I pray that you use me to deliver it to your people. I hate living in a society to where pain is quieted only to make sure nothing is distracted from the devils plan and to continue the seduction. God thank you for being a forgiving dad, for embracing me for who I am and not allowing shame to be a part of ...

Thank you God for being the only one to heal me. To show me where I can improve to become more like your loving son. Thank you for being the only one to guide me and for seeing me for who I really am and not what I am trying to be. Continue to show me your beauty and how to befriend you. I want to know where you want me to do your works through me and then turn and give you the glory. God continue to lead me right to your words of promise. They have brought so much hope. You are showing me what it looks like to be poor in the world but rich in the spirit. Normally this would be pulling me down but God you continue to poor into me and show me that I do not need money to survive, I do not need this earth to survive. I need You. Just You. I had a light bulb moment the other day. I was suffering pretty bad, in the ways of feeling poor and not being able to make bills and just over all breaking down and being so angry with God. Why is He bringing me through this, why am I stressing? Why is ...

As I sit here and weep and realize the suffering will never end, I feel weakened. I couldn't be more thankful that I am finally turning to the Bible in my time of need but also a painful realization. As Peter points out suffering should not be a huge surprise to any of us. We are "strangers" in a world where the war is winning. "Were Christians thrive, storm clouds may gather" Ah. I have to just take this in right now. Im already struggling as it is and can only help that through turning to Gods words and His promises for me will only strengthen me to handle more. Its hard to realize that im such a baby to suffering. I mean im not going to sit here and lessen the amount of hurt in my life because it was real to me. But if I were to compare it, I seem to have the life of a spoiled princess. I told God, I asked Him to give me the faith of someone who suffers. Where they were on their knees, begging for His face. I should have known then, right then, that I would s...

I want an adventure Do you hear me? I want an adventure. Not one that can be drawn on a map the kind where you lose the feather in your hat I want an adventure that goes off the paper Out of the mind Into the dark out from the depths into the steps of something unseen I want an adventure One that draws me to my knees where I stare into risk and laugh humbly because its what I welcome cause I thrive when a stale life leaves I want to hunt down my adventure capture it by surprise have it guide me by every starting sunrise I want to shatter the norm I want to run to escaping I want to dance with the wind only if it leads me to adventure I want adventure I want to sharpen my stick with a knife And then chase after animals Like I had intentions I want to have a piece of buckwheat out of my mouth at all times I want venture into every hazard I want to take chances that eventually turns into songs that I write about how I met my love I want to gamble through my possessions so one day ill have...

I am not going to try and make sense right now. I am processing through so freaking much that I am sure this blog is just going to be as jumbled as my brain. Alright, I guess I will start with the season I am in right now. The season of not understanding. I am a person that likes to understand everything so I can see what control I have. I am a person that likes to have control. Which I think is the biggest curse when it comes to having faith because time and time again I am discounting God and putting Him in a box when it comes to faith. Because when miracles happen or something out of the ordinary my only answer is God? That doesn't make sense to someone who wants to make sense of everything. It is easier for me to think something is a coincidence than give God credit. A little weird I know, but thats my personality I suppose. Anyways. I take the steps God asked me to without any understanding of why He has me here, and in an odd way I didn't spend much time asking why. Oddly...

"Come with me and be my love, and we will all life's pleasures prove" -Christopher Marlowe Verbal breakage. How many times have we been promised love and have never felt its embrace. Often times I have a hard time telling someone I love them, but it is my duty to prove it to them so there doesn't NEED to be a verbal affirmation. Time after time I have been enthralled with what you say, but disappointed in what you do. Oh how well you present yourself to me, in language more seductive than its meaning. I have given truth to your lies. What you don't realize. Is that when you say one thing and do another, you are lying. You are falling short of your words. Someone said to me the other day "How do you know someone is following God? You see fruit"-- obviously don't take this literal. But you see the works God is doing in them. How do you know someone is genuine? You don't even have to hear the person tell you they love you because their actions are e...

Oh how I have underestimated your abilities. Time after time have I been mad at you, or trying my best to protect you when you have been the one protecting me. I have stood back and been the one to watch "love". I've watched it in my parents, in my sisters relationships, my friends, my grandparents, movies and boys. And oh boy how that will fuck you up. My opinion of love was given to me by other people, and as much as I want to blame it on everyone else, its where I personally messed up. I should have this whole time been praying to God on what love is to truly look like. This world will always disappoint and fall short of my expectations. Because let me break down what I saw. Parents- Love is an agreement. An agreement to stay in love. Almost like a business partnership. They didn't ever hold hands, kiss, or even go any where just them, it was always about the family. Like they met each other and realized that between their two traits they could raise some pretty aw...