Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Well tonight is not what I planned for.... thats for sure. I attended the Holiness conference that was put on my Risen King with my roommates and some friends tonight and I was really excited to hear that Kris Vallotton was speaking because he is a really funny guy. He is the lead pastor of the Moral Revolution for Jesus Culture and I have heard numerous of his talks as well as watched my best friends life transformed in a radical way when it comes to sexual purity. Needless to say I have much respect for him. I was expecting to get goodness about staying sexually pure and how to do so and so on and so on, things that I could give practical application to when it comes to my life. But then he said that God woke him up last night and gave him a word that he was to speak on something different. Wholeness. Ok i'm down with hearing about some wholeness. Lord knows I could use some wholeness. At first he was telling very funny stories about childbirth, his wife, his kids, his grandk...

Just a warning, this entry will be a little jumpy. Ill start with my wonderful counselor. She has brought me through some pretty "teary" sessions where I just throw up my issues on the table and she helps me go through them and find some sanity again. I cannot thank her enough for her consistent patience with me as I try and figure all this out. Anyways, this last week I came to her with a quite a bit of self pity and worry. As I begin to open the possibility of being pursued I have met a few different men in a few different venues. As I began "having fun" aka flirting (which is something pretty new to me) anyone that has known me for a while know that I prefer to just be the sarcastic funny friend or at least that is what I was comfortable being. So as I began actually being NICE and allowing them to pursue me I get uncomfortable because this is so new to me that I feel a lack of control. Especially a lack of boundaries because again, this is all so new. I th...

I find that my walk with God is much like stumbling through life.  I am walking along just like I know what I am doing and then BOOM I start to fall. It is quite humbling but I have 2 choices as I start to fall...... 1. Allow myself to hit the ground and stay on the ground 2. Grasp onto the cloak of Jesus and let Him help me back up I find life to be challenging, yes I said it, even WITH Jesus. This shit is hard. Learning how to keep myself in check and keep my eyes on Jesus is like running hurdles. I get a good running start, I am confident, I am happy and as my mind starts to wander or as I begin to get impatient and try to set my own pace that is different than Gods is when my foot hits the hurdle and I go flying forward, or backward. I was with a friend the other day and he was talking to me a little bit about his past and he said that he knew that he was walking the wrong path and he felt that God was beginning to take away His protections over him. Which if we really si...

This blog is an absolute inner struggle between who I think I am and who God intended for me to be. You must know this first, my personality. My personality is one of which the first question that pops into my head when options are presented to me are "Which one would be the most fun?". I love having fun, I love laughing, I love loud noises and bright colors. Its who I am. Which might explain why I took the career route that requires glitter the most. My mom told me that when I was younger the way she motivated me to do any chores was to motivate me with fun. She said that she would ask me to clean my room and I would tell her I would but then she said I always took my sweet time with it. Well then I would want to go to the mall with some friends and I would beg her to go and she would say "sure, clean your room and you can go" and then WHOOSH my room would get cleaned like the Queen was coming for a visit. So this whole paragraph was just to explain my personalit...

So here comes the part in my journey where I lay down my identity as the angry feminist that you know not to mess with and pick up my cross. I have been avoiding reading this book because I don't want to be "generalized" as a woman. Having two people think they know what it takes to be a woman and what drives women sounds a little foolish to me and I avoided it to avoid getting frustrated and angry. Well, God is good. After some times weeding through some pain and disappointment and God calling me out I have decided to let go of anger. It doesn't belong in my life. I need to begin to look at men and women through the eyes of love, through the eyes that God intended. Well as I open this book it begins. Oddly enough the book started with talking about all different types of women. Working women, motherly women, sporty women, that non of us are the same. So that was kinda a petting session to my feminist mind. But then it lead into how the Christian society has r...

Its hard to explain everything I feel when it comes to you. Its like at first is when I felt the most peace because I realized you were safe and with God. Laughing and playing and surrounded by incomprehensible love. Its like I knew it was better for you than anything this world had to offer but as time has gone on my thoughts have focused on wanting you back. People are still slowly finding out and giving me their condolences. The only thing I want to bring them is comfort, even though they are trying to comfort me I know how much they must be hurting as well because you were unforgettable. Its like I can handle talking about you for so long before I know a breakdown is coming. Ill be working and everything will be fine and then something will trigger and then I will be in the bathroom praying my life back together. I cannot have this happening on sets ROBERT! Writing to you really helps me. I pretend that you are either answering me or making fun of me. All of my memories of yo...

I am talking about you, you, you, you and oh crap, me. God has been trying out this new thing with me where he slaps me across the face with goodness. Its like the type of slap where you stumble backwards, grab your face and then run and hug Him. For those of you who haven't felt an underlying feeling through my blog, I have a problem being a little bit angry with men. I am not going to go in depth into all the reasons, that is not what this blog is about. But I have been going to counseling for the past month or so for my issues. My counselor is amazing, she is so soft and understanding with me and didn't look at me weird last week when I turned into a bubbling weakness basket full of tears. Well last rewind to a couple weeks ago when I was at Bethel. Bill Johnson was speaking on  reading the Bible through the eyes of love and if it is not done so then it can often get skewed and turned into something its not. Well he focused on the verse that speaks about a woman submit...