Rude
I am talking about you, you, you, you and oh crap, me.
God has been trying out this new thing with me where he slaps me across the face with goodness. Its like the type of slap where you stumble backwards, grab your face and then run and hug Him.
For those of you who haven't felt an underlying feeling through my blog, I have a problem being a little bit angry with men. I am not going to go in depth into all the reasons, that is not what this blog is about. But I have been going to counseling for the past month or so for my issues. My counselor is amazing, she is so soft and understanding with me and didn't look at me weird last week when I turned into a bubbling weakness basket full of tears.
Well last rewind to a couple weeks ago when I was at Bethel. Bill Johnson was speaking on reading the Bible through the eyes of love and if it is not done so then it can often get skewed and turned into something its not. Well he focused on the verse that speaks about a woman submitting to her husband and a husband loving his wife like the church. Those who know me know that I struggle with this verse so I was listening with fearful ears of what was about to be served to me. Well without even saying anything my mom hands me tissues and I just put my head in my hands and start crying. Bill was right, I wasn't reading these verses I struggled with through the eyes of love. It was more filtered through the eyes of hurt and disappointment. Well as I am keeping my head down so non of the cute Bethel boys can see that I am the angry feminist that Bill is talking about, I hear God speak. SLAP "I will not release your power in women until you stop seeing through the eyes of dishonoring men" SLAP!
I guess I should also mention that my passions are for women. For uplifting them, encouraging them, letting them know their worth and their voice. If you were to ask me growing up whose side I was on, it was the girls. Men were the enemy that were out to hurt and take all my girlfriends away from me. So naturally I want to protect women in any way that I can.
Alright, fast forward to counseling this last week. I tell her what God gave me and shes started asking the questions that brought this to life. What I had been working on prior to this session was being nice to men and meaning it. How unnatural that felt and my good guy friends even got uncomfortable with it. But, if one of them stepped out of line, said something dishonoring towards women, disrespected a woman or anything of the such then I wouldn't be so NICE.
Well then she asked the question "what would it look like if you honored men while showing women their worth?" and "do you believe you are trying to make women feel equal or above men?"
Uh oh.
I realized that in order to "protect" a girl I would put down a guy to make her feel better. Which I am positive that is not what God is calling me to. I don't want to be the angry girl that snaps at men when I get intolerant of their learned behavior, I want to be a lover. I want to show women their worth in and out of relationships with men. I want men to know that they are worth so much more than the way they treat themselves and the way they treat women. I want men to feel so secure and empowered that they feel no threat by a woman that knows she is worth pursuing beyond some text messages and dinners. I guess I have been focusing on myself through all of this really. How I have been hurt, how I want women to be and how I want men to react to how I want women to be. I actually am dumbfounded by how I don't even know where to start. My only defense for women is making men sound and feel stupid. God did not call me to that.
I know God called me to helping women and I wasn't totally sure how to go about doing that or the avenues that would open for me, but now I see the steps I have to take. I don't want a generation of women that dislike or think that they are better than man. I want to see a generation of women and men that treat each other like how the Father intended.
So to the men I have disrespected I am sorry. I was acting out of fear and immaturity. I did the only thing I knew how in order to "protect" those women who were hurting, including myself. I am working on my behavior and my heart. As God continues to show me my path, I promise to continue to follow. God forgive me for my wrongs and help me sharpen my rights.
To my future husband. I am so glad you haven't married me yet... I have so much learning to do. I want to be able to respect you through all areas of our life. I want to be able to love and honor you knowing that you are my half. I want you to be proud of me and not be afraid to bring anyone around me, including the ones that have the differences that I may not agree with. I want you to have the freedom in our relationship to be exactly who you are. I want you to point me to God so I can learn with you on how to love appropriately. I want God to be proud of us. Thinking of you tonight.
God has been trying out this new thing with me where he slaps me across the face with goodness. Its like the type of slap where you stumble backwards, grab your face and then run and hug Him.
For those of you who haven't felt an underlying feeling through my blog, I have a problem being a little bit angry with men. I am not going to go in depth into all the reasons, that is not what this blog is about. But I have been going to counseling for the past month or so for my issues. My counselor is amazing, she is so soft and understanding with me and didn't look at me weird last week when I turned into a bubbling weakness basket full of tears.
Well last rewind to a couple weeks ago when I was at Bethel. Bill Johnson was speaking on reading the Bible through the eyes of love and if it is not done so then it can often get skewed and turned into something its not. Well he focused on the verse that speaks about a woman submitting to her husband and a husband loving his wife like the church. Those who know me know that I struggle with this verse so I was listening with fearful ears of what was about to be served to me. Well without even saying anything my mom hands me tissues and I just put my head in my hands and start crying. Bill was right, I wasn't reading these verses I struggled with through the eyes of love. It was more filtered through the eyes of hurt and disappointment. Well as I am keeping my head down so non of the cute Bethel boys can see that I am the angry feminist that Bill is talking about, I hear God speak. SLAP "I will not release your power in women until you stop seeing through the eyes of dishonoring men" SLAP!
I guess I should also mention that my passions are for women. For uplifting them, encouraging them, letting them know their worth and their voice. If you were to ask me growing up whose side I was on, it was the girls. Men were the enemy that were out to hurt and take all my girlfriends away from me. So naturally I want to protect women in any way that I can.
Alright, fast forward to counseling this last week. I tell her what God gave me and shes started asking the questions that brought this to life. What I had been working on prior to this session was being nice to men and meaning it. How unnatural that felt and my good guy friends even got uncomfortable with it. But, if one of them stepped out of line, said something dishonoring towards women, disrespected a woman or anything of the such then I wouldn't be so NICE.
Well then she asked the question "what would it look like if you honored men while showing women their worth?" and "do you believe you are trying to make women feel equal or above men?"
Uh oh.
I realized that in order to "protect" a girl I would put down a guy to make her feel better. Which I am positive that is not what God is calling me to. I don't want to be the angry girl that snaps at men when I get intolerant of their learned behavior, I want to be a lover. I want to show women their worth in and out of relationships with men. I want men to know that they are worth so much more than the way they treat themselves and the way they treat women. I want men to feel so secure and empowered that they feel no threat by a woman that knows she is worth pursuing beyond some text messages and dinners. I guess I have been focusing on myself through all of this really. How I have been hurt, how I want women to be and how I want men to react to how I want women to be. I actually am dumbfounded by how I don't even know where to start. My only defense for women is making men sound and feel stupid. God did not call me to that.
I know God called me to helping women and I wasn't totally sure how to go about doing that or the avenues that would open for me, but now I see the steps I have to take. I don't want a generation of women that dislike or think that they are better than man. I want to see a generation of women and men that treat each other like how the Father intended.
So to the men I have disrespected I am sorry. I was acting out of fear and immaturity. I did the only thing I knew how in order to "protect" those women who were hurting, including myself. I am working on my behavior and my heart. As God continues to show me my path, I promise to continue to follow. God forgive me for my wrongs and help me sharpen my rights.
To my future husband. I am so glad you haven't married me yet... I have so much learning to do. I want to be able to respect you through all areas of our life. I want to be able to love and honor you knowing that you are my half. I want you to be proud of me and not be afraid to bring anyone around me, including the ones that have the differences that I may not agree with. I want you to have the freedom in our relationship to be exactly who you are. I want you to point me to God so I can learn with you on how to love appropriately. I want God to be proud of us. Thinking of you tonight.
Comments
If you are in a truly loving and respectful relationship there is no one that is being pushed down you are both being lifted up by the other. A wife submitting to her husband is not an act of weakness, IF he's a man of God that is loving her, it's one of the truest forms of love. Didn't Christ submit His life to us?