What we don't talk about
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME??
I, in many sense, am supposed to be this great Christian girl. That did most of the right things and definitely knew all the right answers. I waited 24 years to date and then I married that man. You know, such a delightful story to the rigid ears of "Christians" looking for a good story to get them off, spiritually of course.
"Oh my gosh, what a love story"
-If you only heard the story
"What a blessing"
-Indeed, there has been no hard work involved
"When are you going to have cute kids?"
-Here, there is my uterus, you just tell me
"You and Bobby should be pastors, you are so real"
-I feel hidden
"I haven't seen you at church in a while"
-I have life outside of church. shit.
Just to preface this blog, as I usually like to preface before I am about to spew out something that will make me sound or look terrible. I am a professional makeup artist and I just flew from California to Upstate New York to department head a movie for 3 1/2 weeks. Vacation? Or total mind fuck. (Oh, if you are looking for a careful Christian I suggest going to another blog. Try womenoffaith.com)
I knew that this movie would be hard work, but I really couldn't have prepared myself for the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual strain I just went through. Yea sure, in the long list of things that are harder in life, mine falls extremely short. But I can't deny my reality.
Long story short (about the movie) the first day I get there the director has a manic breakdown. Like writing on the walls breakdown. So there was discussion of shutting down production or banding together to make this BEAUTIFUL film. So we made the decision that sanity is not necessary in this film and we marched forward. When you are pushed to the limits of yourself and your craft you often find yourself getting vulnerable with people you would normally keep your safe walls up with. All the sudden I am sharing the depths of myself and my fears with the person next to me who is also lacking sleep, food, direction and health.
Well, then you gotta recognize my faith, in the mix of this. The fact that the first day I arrived to Lake George NY I went down by the water, at 6am and sat on the dock and God led me to this verse.
"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage. Here is another way to put it: You're here to be a light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket do you? Im putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand-shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven"
Oh, ok, coo coo coo coo coo coo cool. Just in the midst of me feeling like I'm losing my mind, let me be sure to show people Jesus. And as much as I am a brat, in all sense of the word, one thing is uncompromisable, showing people Jesus. I feel like I have lost my purpose in what I am doing if I cannot do my job and show people Jesus. But, but, no one ever said that was easy or natural. Not for me at least. Its a battle with my flesh. So when this fear rippled through the crew on whether or not we were all about to be out of a job for 3 weeks, I found myself unshaken. I mean for that day, I was pretty chill.
Lets go ahead and get into what we don't talk about. Ok? ok. First off, I have never had a "sex life" before Bobby. Like, going without sex all the sudden, oh it was an issue. Like I now understand when people would say about people that were uptight "damn, they really need to get laid", uh yea that was me for sure for sure. I hated it, I didn't like it, it felt weird. And I am not going to pretend that I don't get horny RANDOMLY at any given min. I am not one of those kept wives that think "Oh my husband is the only thing that could possibly ever turn me on" I mean that would be nice I guess, but also boring and also not allowing me to know my strengths as a woman and my ability to stay loyal, if humping a couch still counts as loyal. haha jk. There was no couch. But if there was.....
So, now we are going to mix these three random strain of thoughts.
I am getting vulnerable with people I normally wouldn't
I am trying to show people Jesus-also includes venerability
I am randomly horny
You get it yet? You now understand my title?
So, here I am on this movie set that hasn't even given me the 5 mins i need to check in with my family and husband to let them know I haven't yet drown myself in Lake George. When I tell you that this was the weirdest month of my life, to not even get 5 mins to yourself to process what is happening around you, to not even get the 5 mins to finish the worship song that you are DESPERATELY hoping strengthens you for the day, when you don't even get the 5 mins to check and make sure that the tears you cried in the bathroom didn't leave streak marks down your cheeks. THEN, insert charming young man.
I want to jump and tell you the end of this story just so you don't have time to judge me. But fuck it.
Schedule
Ok I have 10 mins to get her ready for scene 5, in scene 5 she has red lips. Wait, she has red lips right? Let me check my continuity folder just to make sure I took a picture of her that day. Ok yes she has red lips, ok but she is supposed to be eating in this scene so I will need to be on standby with the red lips to reset the lips every time. Ok so like when are they going to start filming this scene? I don't want to put these red lips on her now if we are going to be waiting 30 mins for camera to be set. But if I don't put her lips on now they might pull her for the scene without telling me, which they often like to do, and then it will be an issue for continuity because in one scene shell have red lips and then the next scene she won't. Ok screw it I am just going to put the red lips on.
ME- "Ok im gonna do your lipstick"
GIRL 1-"Wait, I have to run to the bathroom. Ill be right back"
ME- *Ok so she needs red lips. Make a mental note for when she comes back.*
AD- "Hey Anna, are you ready for the next person? We are really trying to get everyone through the works right now"
ME- "Ok, I am getting her ready for scene 5 as well?"
AD- "No, this will be scene 123"
ME- "Wait, is (bathroom girl) supposed to be ready for scene 123 now?"
AD- "Oh yea, they moved the scenes around today, did no one tell you?"
ME- "No, no one told me"
*snaps red lipstick in half*
*realizes I still need to film scene 5 at some point*
*puts red lipstick back together out of defeat*
*Insert next person in my chair*
Young man-"Hi beautiful, how are you today?"
*FUCKKKKK I QUIT!!!!!!!*
ME- "Im doing ok, how are you?"
YOUNG MAN-"Im good now, let me give you a hug"
*omg yes*
ME- "Oh, I'm ok. thanks though"
Insert Jesus
JEEZ "Anna, I need you to speak life into that young man."
ME- "Jesus, I can't even finish one thought right now, I am exhausted, this guy keeps calling me beautiful, I miss Bobby.
Can you do it?"
Jeez- "Trust me"
FAST FORWARD TO EMPTY KITCHEN, HALF BOTTLE OF WINE DOWN, ANNA AND YOUNG MAN TALKING
*this isn't good, I am uncomfortable, I am a married woman in an empty kitchen with a man that has already told me that I could come stay in his hotel with him if I wanted to*
ME *referencing previous convo* "So, you said earlier today that you felt like you were in a dark place a couple months ago, whats that about?"
YM "oh, yea, I'm coming out of it, i am good now"
To be continued...
I, in many sense, am supposed to be this great Christian girl. That did most of the right things and definitely knew all the right answers. I waited 24 years to date and then I married that man. You know, such a delightful story to the rigid ears of "Christians" looking for a good story to get them off, spiritually of course.
"Oh my gosh, what a love story"
-If you only heard the story
"What a blessing"
-Indeed, there has been no hard work involved
"When are you going to have cute kids?"
-Here, there is my uterus, you just tell me
"You and Bobby should be pastors, you are so real"
-I feel hidden
"I haven't seen you at church in a while"
-I have life outside of church. shit.
Just to preface this blog, as I usually like to preface before I am about to spew out something that will make me sound or look terrible. I am a professional makeup artist and I just flew from California to Upstate New York to department head a movie for 3 1/2 weeks. Vacation? Or total mind fuck. (Oh, if you are looking for a careful Christian I suggest going to another blog. Try womenoffaith.com)
I knew that this movie would be hard work, but I really couldn't have prepared myself for the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual strain I just went through. Yea sure, in the long list of things that are harder in life, mine falls extremely short. But I can't deny my reality.
Long story short (about the movie) the first day I get there the director has a manic breakdown. Like writing on the walls breakdown. So there was discussion of shutting down production or banding together to make this BEAUTIFUL film. So we made the decision that sanity is not necessary in this film and we marched forward. When you are pushed to the limits of yourself and your craft you often find yourself getting vulnerable with people you would normally keep your safe walls up with. All the sudden I am sharing the depths of myself and my fears with the person next to me who is also lacking sleep, food, direction and health.
Well, then you gotta recognize my faith, in the mix of this. The fact that the first day I arrived to Lake George NY I went down by the water, at 6am and sat on the dock and God led me to this verse.
"Let me tell you why you are here. You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage. Here is another way to put it: You're here to be a light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket do you? Im putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand-shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven"
Oh, ok, coo coo coo coo coo coo cool. Just in the midst of me feeling like I'm losing my mind, let me be sure to show people Jesus. And as much as I am a brat, in all sense of the word, one thing is uncompromisable, showing people Jesus. I feel like I have lost my purpose in what I am doing if I cannot do my job and show people Jesus. But, but, no one ever said that was easy or natural. Not for me at least. Its a battle with my flesh. So when this fear rippled through the crew on whether or not we were all about to be out of a job for 3 weeks, I found myself unshaken. I mean for that day, I was pretty chill.
Lets go ahead and get into what we don't talk about. Ok? ok. First off, I have never had a "sex life" before Bobby. Like, going without sex all the sudden, oh it was an issue. Like I now understand when people would say about people that were uptight "damn, they really need to get laid", uh yea that was me for sure for sure. I hated it, I didn't like it, it felt weird. And I am not going to pretend that I don't get horny RANDOMLY at any given min. I am not one of those kept wives that think "Oh my husband is the only thing that could possibly ever turn me on" I mean that would be nice I guess, but also boring and also not allowing me to know my strengths as a woman and my ability to stay loyal, if humping a couch still counts as loyal. haha jk. There was no couch. But if there was.....
So, now we are going to mix these three random strain of thoughts.
I am getting vulnerable with people I normally wouldn't
I am trying to show people Jesus-also includes venerability
I am randomly horny
You get it yet? You now understand my title?
So, here I am on this movie set that hasn't even given me the 5 mins i need to check in with my family and husband to let them know I haven't yet drown myself in Lake George. When I tell you that this was the weirdest month of my life, to not even get 5 mins to yourself to process what is happening around you, to not even get the 5 mins to finish the worship song that you are DESPERATELY hoping strengthens you for the day, when you don't even get the 5 mins to check and make sure that the tears you cried in the bathroom didn't leave streak marks down your cheeks. THEN, insert charming young man.
I want to jump and tell you the end of this story just so you don't have time to judge me. But fuck it.
Schedule
Ok I have 10 mins to get her ready for scene 5, in scene 5 she has red lips. Wait, she has red lips right? Let me check my continuity folder just to make sure I took a picture of her that day. Ok yes she has red lips, ok but she is supposed to be eating in this scene so I will need to be on standby with the red lips to reset the lips every time. Ok so like when are they going to start filming this scene? I don't want to put these red lips on her now if we are going to be waiting 30 mins for camera to be set. But if I don't put her lips on now they might pull her for the scene without telling me, which they often like to do, and then it will be an issue for continuity because in one scene shell have red lips and then the next scene she won't. Ok screw it I am just going to put the red lips on.
ME- "Ok im gonna do your lipstick"
GIRL 1-"Wait, I have to run to the bathroom. Ill be right back"
ME- *Ok so she needs red lips. Make a mental note for when she comes back.*
AD- "Hey Anna, are you ready for the next person? We are really trying to get everyone through the works right now"
ME- "Ok, I am getting her ready for scene 5 as well?"
AD- "No, this will be scene 123"
ME- "Wait, is (bathroom girl) supposed to be ready for scene 123 now?"
AD- "Oh yea, they moved the scenes around today, did no one tell you?"
ME- "No, no one told me"
*snaps red lipstick in half*
*realizes I still need to film scene 5 at some point*
*puts red lipstick back together out of defeat*
*Insert next person in my chair*
Young man-"Hi beautiful, how are you today?"
*FUCKKKKK I QUIT!!!!!!!*
ME- "Im doing ok, how are you?"
YOUNG MAN-"Im good now, let me give you a hug"
*omg yes*
ME- "Oh, I'm ok. thanks though"
Insert Jesus
JEEZ "Anna, I need you to speak life into that young man."
ME- "Jesus, I can't even finish one thought right now, I am exhausted, this guy keeps calling me beautiful, I miss Bobby.
Can you do it?"
Jeez- "Trust me"
FAST FORWARD TO EMPTY KITCHEN, HALF BOTTLE OF WINE DOWN, ANNA AND YOUNG MAN TALKING
*this isn't good, I am uncomfortable, I am a married woman in an empty kitchen with a man that has already told me that I could come stay in his hotel with him if I wanted to*
ME *referencing previous convo* "So, you said earlier today that you felt like you were in a dark place a couple months ago, whats that about?"
YM "oh, yea, I'm coming out of it, i am good now"
To be continued...
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