Like everyday is your funeral
It was not until Roberts memorial that I REALLY knew how much impact he had in other peoples life. As we began the process of grieving and finding the best way to honor his life, these people would pop up out of nowhere. They would offer time, money, songs, prayers, hugs, and memories. I can say I was truly in shock of whom came out of the darkness to speak of Roberts light.
We first had his memorial in Redding to invite those whom knew him when he lived in town. There were people that traveled from both north and south to be at his memorial. As we listened to our Pastor try to create the image of actually knowing who Robert was, I thought, this is not all that can be said about him. And then came the personal speeches. My mom went up to speak and she of course had written something heartfelt about the pain of a mother losing her child. She went on to speak about addiction and how serious it became and how even though you can act like you are prepared for a tragedy such as this, your heart is never prepared. Then I got up to speak, talking about how I grieved the loss of Robert 2 years ago when I truly felt like I lost him to addiction. Then my sister proceeded, she was very real and spoke of the struggles they had of accepting each other because of their severe differences. She then went on to say that her biggest lesson was learning to love unconditionally. You can imagine my surprise when I heard this from her. I had never knew the struggles my sister had with loving him, I knew she had problems accepting him, but being taught the lesson of unconditional love is one that can not be bought, only learned. I wonder if she ever told him that, hmm.
Following her were numerous people. People I had never even met and I had been friends with Robert for 5 years. People stood up and each of them had spoke about a lesson that Robert had taught them. Ranging from accepting themselves, to living out loud, to finding laughter where there is usually not, or just the raw real experience of friendship. Each of them had beautiful stories of his heart and his light. It seemed as if Robert could catapult everyone forward except for himself. Hm, wonder if they told him that.
Then from there we traveled to LA to have a service with those whom had been spending time with him the past two years as he tried to get sober. I thought I was going to hear a lot of stories of how he lied and manipulated. About how he hurt and then he left us all hurting more. But again to my surprise the stories continued to be encouraging and heartfelt pain of losing someone so special. See, having a lot of people in my life with substance abuse struggles I know the term "walking over bodies". It is one that is often used by counselors or psychologist when speaking of living in a rehab center. This disease is very serious and it kills. So to warn them of what is ahead and let them know that people do not always survive their disease they teach them to just walk over the bodies. Be prepared to lose some friends. Well I feel like this is part of the reason I was so taken back is because the people at Roberts memorial have been in sober communities, some for as long as 30 years and they were taking this one REALLY hard. Not that loss is ever easy, but the amount of strength and inspiration this has sparked in people you can tell was sparked only by Robert. The stories continued of him being such a brat but such a joy, to bring the life out of people. To live always wanting more, and in the end that is what killed him, just wanting more.
See what is curious to me is if Robert was ever told any of this when he was still with us. The memories, the lessons, the frustrations and the over all light that he brought to each of us. I mean I know we can never love or encourage someone out of addiction, but it pains me to think how we wait until someone is gone before we really share what it is we feel. I mean one person said that he never got to tell Robert how he felt, and now he has to live with that forever, praying that his thoughts will somehow reach him.
What if we lived every day like it was a funeral. Clearly we need to live our days like it is our last, but this is not what I am writing about. Imagine how much encouragement would come out of each other and how the quality of life would be so much richer. Laurie, you make me laugh so hard every single day. I have never felt so fully accepted by someone to where I can truly be my good and be my bad. Chelsea, I have never found someone so loyal in my life. If I needed you to sell your car for a surgery, well you might not sell your car but you would do everything in your power to make sure I stayed alive. You have answered the phone consistently. Meegan, you literally read my mind. For example, my week of silence at school. You would fight the biggest giant if you knew they wronged me. Even if you know im wrong, you are on my side. Amy, you frustrated the shit out of me but I cannot imagine life without my big sister. Even though our paths are so incredibly different you push me to be who I know I need to be. The list goes ON! What if this was my daily conversation? What if when they passed I stood up at their memorial and said "Everything I would have said today I said in person, so all I have to say is 'I meant it'"
Just a thought that has been consistently rumbling around in my head. I couldn't not get this down in some sort of writing. I am going to try my best to live my life like I will have said everything to them that I would say at their funeral.
God thank you for carrying me through these moments of missing my brother. Thank you for my reminders that he is listening, and he did know how much I loved him. God thank you for bringing SUCH comforters into my life through this and for bringing out hidden talents in people in Roberts passing. Lord continue to comfort and remind me of Your plan and life for Your glory. Lay me to rest peacefully every night and wake me up to warrior my way through the next day. I love you dad.
We first had his memorial in Redding to invite those whom knew him when he lived in town. There were people that traveled from both north and south to be at his memorial. As we listened to our Pastor try to create the image of actually knowing who Robert was, I thought, this is not all that can be said about him. And then came the personal speeches. My mom went up to speak and she of course had written something heartfelt about the pain of a mother losing her child. She went on to speak about addiction and how serious it became and how even though you can act like you are prepared for a tragedy such as this, your heart is never prepared. Then I got up to speak, talking about how I grieved the loss of Robert 2 years ago when I truly felt like I lost him to addiction. Then my sister proceeded, she was very real and spoke of the struggles they had of accepting each other because of their severe differences. She then went on to say that her biggest lesson was learning to love unconditionally. You can imagine my surprise when I heard this from her. I had never knew the struggles my sister had with loving him, I knew she had problems accepting him, but being taught the lesson of unconditional love is one that can not be bought, only learned. I wonder if she ever told him that, hmm.
Following her were numerous people. People I had never even met and I had been friends with Robert for 5 years. People stood up and each of them had spoke about a lesson that Robert had taught them. Ranging from accepting themselves, to living out loud, to finding laughter where there is usually not, or just the raw real experience of friendship. Each of them had beautiful stories of his heart and his light. It seemed as if Robert could catapult everyone forward except for himself. Hm, wonder if they told him that.
Then from there we traveled to LA to have a service with those whom had been spending time with him the past two years as he tried to get sober. I thought I was going to hear a lot of stories of how he lied and manipulated. About how he hurt and then he left us all hurting more. But again to my surprise the stories continued to be encouraging and heartfelt pain of losing someone so special. See, having a lot of people in my life with substance abuse struggles I know the term "walking over bodies". It is one that is often used by counselors or psychologist when speaking of living in a rehab center. This disease is very serious and it kills. So to warn them of what is ahead and let them know that people do not always survive their disease they teach them to just walk over the bodies. Be prepared to lose some friends. Well I feel like this is part of the reason I was so taken back is because the people at Roberts memorial have been in sober communities, some for as long as 30 years and they were taking this one REALLY hard. Not that loss is ever easy, but the amount of strength and inspiration this has sparked in people you can tell was sparked only by Robert. The stories continued of him being such a brat but such a joy, to bring the life out of people. To live always wanting more, and in the end that is what killed him, just wanting more.
See what is curious to me is if Robert was ever told any of this when he was still with us. The memories, the lessons, the frustrations and the over all light that he brought to each of us. I mean I know we can never love or encourage someone out of addiction, but it pains me to think how we wait until someone is gone before we really share what it is we feel. I mean one person said that he never got to tell Robert how he felt, and now he has to live with that forever, praying that his thoughts will somehow reach him.
What if we lived every day like it was a funeral. Clearly we need to live our days like it is our last, but this is not what I am writing about. Imagine how much encouragement would come out of each other and how the quality of life would be so much richer. Laurie, you make me laugh so hard every single day. I have never felt so fully accepted by someone to where I can truly be my good and be my bad. Chelsea, I have never found someone so loyal in my life. If I needed you to sell your car for a surgery, well you might not sell your car but you would do everything in your power to make sure I stayed alive. You have answered the phone consistently. Meegan, you literally read my mind. For example, my week of silence at school. You would fight the biggest giant if you knew they wronged me. Even if you know im wrong, you are on my side. Amy, you frustrated the shit out of me but I cannot imagine life without my big sister. Even though our paths are so incredibly different you push me to be who I know I need to be. The list goes ON! What if this was my daily conversation? What if when they passed I stood up at their memorial and said "Everything I would have said today I said in person, so all I have to say is 'I meant it'"
Just a thought that has been consistently rumbling around in my head. I couldn't not get this down in some sort of writing. I am going to try my best to live my life like I will have said everything to them that I would say at their funeral.
God thank you for carrying me through these moments of missing my brother. Thank you for my reminders that he is listening, and he did know how much I loved him. God thank you for bringing SUCH comforters into my life through this and for bringing out hidden talents in people in Roberts passing. Lord continue to comfort and remind me of Your plan and life for Your glory. Lay me to rest peacefully every night and wake me up to warrior my way through the next day. I love you dad.
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