Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

And as I went to run out the door, find the beach and pretend to give my problems to the wind, He said "it is time to find peace and serenity in your home" So here I am. In an empty, half-way cleaned house wondering, oh why am I here? Not like why am I on this earth, like the teenage questions which have already been answered. But like why am I here? Like sitting in my room, at my desk, without worship music, and yet so unsettled. My thoughts have not been my own lately. Like the devil has some how found a leak in the line that goes straight to my thoughts.  "Anna, throw them out, get rid of them, send them away" and like a boomarang they flew right back. I had a second to breath and feel like my self again but then, boom, back in the battle. The battle for my own thoughts? Crazy. Shes crazy Haven't you heard? Shes crazy. and I am I am so crazy in love with Jesus that any thing that gets in the way of me getting to hear my Fathers thoughts about me DRIVES ME CRA...

So it probably wasn't till this last year that I realized how much of a feeler I am. Feeler meaning I can feel energies and people really well. Bobby could wake up in the morning and I could feel if he didn't sleep well, or I always can feel when he is being quietly mad with me. I can feel when people's intentions are not good. Or when someone is bullshiting me, especially selling me something. I always just thought it was normal, but my mom made me realize what a gift it is and not everyone has this gift. Well in coming into better understanding of this gift, I now can begin to understand also why I can get so upset or affected by something that is dark or violent. I have to be careful of what I expose myself to because I can take on the energy or the feeling if I am not being careful. It also explains why I can cry so quickly when I feel someone's pain. Like when someone is crying, crying with them is not super comforting. Like especially when it has nothing t...

Its quite funny how things are revealed to you when you get a bit older. Or even worse, you realize what a shit head you were when you were younger. Take my trip to Australia and New Zealand for instance. I visited there when I was 16 on a school trip with my drama class. We went EVERYWHERE. Could I list all the cities? No. I just didnt know at the time what an amazing opportunity it was to travel for 15 days. I just looked at it as a fun trip with my drama friends. Now looking back I think what an idiot I was to not take time to really soak in the cities. But I didn't know any better I suppose.  Now when I travel I truely soak it all up. I wake up earlier than I normally do just to get a head start on the day. I dress up so the city can see the best of me, I drink my coffee slower, I walk slower (well depending on the city), and I literally stop to smell the flowers. Then you go home. Something I have noticed about my recent travels is that it gives me perspective. It helps me tak...

Have you ever left something in your car by accident and had to go back out and get it? But looked out into the nigh time darkness and just thought "Nope, never mind". Especially if you are home alone, like, forget whatever the thing is, inhaler, Epipen, cell phone.... you're gonna die regardless. Because surely your murderer is hanging out in, and or, around the car. But when someone is with you its not so scary. I'm not sure if its because there is someone you can shove into harms way in case of a attempted murder, or if its the fact you can look someone in the eye and silently say "Lets get this killin son of a b**ch". I am not sure what it is that makes it so comforting. Maybe just knowing you don't have to face something alone. Well I must say, I am realizing its much more difficult than that when you get married. You would think life would be butterflies and orgasms, but things can be a lot scarier once you are married. Before I got married ...

I might have talked about in the past the fact that I have been diagnosed with PMDD. Pre-menstral Dysforic Disorder. Meaning when that time of the month comes around all the sudden no one texts me back to hang out, no one answer their phones, my family becomes just a memory and everyone is a shit driver. Then there is my husband. My sweet, patient, loving, caring husband. He bears the scratch marks. He is one of the only people who doesn't run from me. But the thing is, I understand why you would run. I don't know if any of you have gone through something so incrediably disturbing. Its like my mind can't pick just one personality. Theres the one who is emotionally charged, cant control the fact that a kitten yawning moves her to tears...... for 2 hours. Then theres the angry "go on, fuck with me" one that can look at anyone and behead them within 2 mins. Thoughts so terrible that if anyone could see what I do to people in my mind I would for sure be in a straight ...

Do you see it? Look closely..... what do you see? You see her shoes (well I see her shoes), the road shes on, the background, oh it looks like the silver car is driving the wrong way, maybe one of the store signs is a cuss word, maybe there is someone jumping from one of the buildings, etc. Did you find it? Often times I have these girls come and confide in me about their relationships. I don't really know why, i've only been in one relationship, I wouldn't consider myself an expert. The thing I hear most often is this hope that whatever relationship they are currently in or beginning will work out.  "I mean yea he smokes but it doesn't bother me that much, he doesn't really do it around me" "Hes not really into texting, hes a lot better in person" "He doesn't really like talking about the future, he likes to live day to day" "but hes good in bed" Sometimes we are so desperate to see something good, pure, astounding, excit...

Recently I started working at a store in Hollywood that has a lot of foot traffic. I am always getting to know a new client and hearing their story. I often ask "what are you getting your makeup done for today?" and then they continue with some story of a lavish party they are going to with a man 10 years younger than them. They tell me about their crazy ex boyfriends, about their obsession with older rich men, and the places they have only got to go to because of the men that they date. It is after they go on about their male issues that they eventually take notice of my wedding ring. They say "Um, are you married? You seem far to young to be married". I say "yes! I got married this year" and then comes "Oh, the honeymoon phase". The months leading up to my wedding I was constantly in a conversation with someone that would say "man, are you sure you are ready? Marriage is hard". Thanks for the encouragement everyone. Btw. I would lis...