Heart of a Virgin, Mind of a Whore

Do you see it? Look closely..... what do you see? You see her shoes (well I see her shoes), the road shes on, the background, oh it looks like the silver car is driving the wrong way, maybe one of the store signs is a cuss word, maybe there is someone jumping from one of the buildings, etc. Did you find it? Often times I have these girls come and confide in me about their relationships. I don't really know why, i've only been in one relationship, I wouldn't consider myself an expert. The thing I hear most often is this hope that whatever relationship they are currently in or beginning will work out.  "I mean yea he smokes but it doesn't bother me that much, he doesn't really do it around me" "Hes not really into texting, hes a lot better in person" "He doesn't really like talking about the future, he likes to live day to day" "but hes good in bed" Sometimes we are so desperate to see something good, pure, astounding, excit...

Recently I started working at a store in Hollywood that has a lot of foot traffic. I am always getting to know a new client and hearing their story. I often ask "what are you getting your makeup done for today?" and then they continue with some story of a lavish party they are going to with a man 10 years younger than them. They tell me about their crazy ex boyfriends, about their obsession with older rich men, and the places they have only got to go to because of the men that they date. It is after they go on about their male issues that they eventually take notice of my wedding ring. They say "Um, are you married? You seem far to young to be married". I say "yes! I got married this year" and then comes "Oh, the honeymoon phase". The months leading up to my wedding I was constantly in a conversation with someone that would say "man, are you sure you are ready? Marriage is hard". Thanks for the encouragement everyone. Btw. I would lis...

Well considering I have written for many years about being alone and waiting for the one that inspires me, I figured I should continue to write about love and being in love. I know that I have been lacking a little on writing about being happy but apparently I like to complain more than I like to talk about how great things are. haha. Typical. Anyways, lets skip forward a bunch and talk about the fact that I am GETTING MARRIED!!!! I cannot stop crying. There are so many parts of me that are overwhelmed, anxious, excited, nervous, and overall freaking out. I got engaged in January and prayed about May 26th and set the date. Everyone kept telling me that is a quick engagement but what they really meant was "are you going to be able to save up ridiculous amounts of money by then?" Well, and leave time for pre marital counseling. Oh, and don't move or make any big life changes in the midst of all of it either because thats just adding stress upon stress. Just FYI. So wh...

Woah. Going from the previous posts for YEARS of complaining or contemplating love to being ENGAGED?! what a jump. I have been totally humbled through this experience because I always had such choice words from those who went so fast in a relationship. That got engaged and married so quickly, I had a timeline for them. I know how I feel about Bobby and I could honestly date him for 2 years 10 years or 10 months just as long as I am with him. I find the things in him that solidify that we can get through any issue. He has shown me in ways that aren't words that He has the living God inside him and with all that I can trust. Oh the faith of that man. We all really know I came to write this to rant right? Right! In most things in life I have known what to expect. I know that when I go to makeup school I would be dealing with makeup and makeup related people. I knew that when I went into a club I would be dancing and maybe sippin some good stuff. I knew that when someone wanted ...

I am not trying to lay out my dirty laundry here but I felt Gods pull for me to write this because some people will relate. We all know what it looks like to fight with our boyfriend/girlfriend, or disagreements I can say. I know that in the past when fighting with close friends that it took one little fight for them to give up. No warning, all the promises in the world put before us but one little fight and they're done. That, obviously, has given me quite a few issues throughout my friendships. Whether it was a feeling of desperation to keep them around (compromising who I am to get them to stay) or it was a feeling of putting myself last so they could feel love I am yet to learn a happy medium between taking care of me and taking care of others the way Christ did. Well having this knowledge I have sought counseling for these issues of abandonment. My longing for love can often come out in a codependent manner and my longing TO love can come out as a "savior complex" ...

Normally when I am pms-ing or as the doctors might call it "pmdd-ing" I like to look at anything and pretend I have lasers for eyes and then imagine the different ways it would explode or rip apart in front of me. I like to yell, I like to self loath, I like to blame and I like to isolate.  Wanna be friends? This time I am going to ATTEMPT to write something about all the things I love and am working towards. If you could only see the keyboard dents I am leaving as I write this. I am trying to embrace the hard. When things get difficult I like to fix it or find a way to get rid of the feeling of "want". Because guess what? When I want something and I cannot have it.... I am no longer having fun. I shut down, I move on, I shift my attention or I pout hardcore. You might assume me to be a brat or spoiled or something, not true. But the problem I have is when I know I COULD have something if I wanted but I have to CHOOSE not to take it. Some might call this ...

Remember that one time I wrote that blog about losing and find of ones self? Then after that blog I was meant to go on about my life realizing that I had lost myself but then I wrote a really long confusing blog about it and in that blog I refound myself and went back to normal. This is me. Lost. Still. You know majority of the time when you tell someone or you hear someone say they are lost our immediate reaction is to help them get to where they are meant to be. Like "turn left at the stop sign and go towards the blue building and I will go stand outside". Or "here read this book, I felt the same way you did one time and I read this book and it changed my life". We all know the feeling. When it is lost.... find it. Well when you live one way your whole life, pretty much knowing who you are and what you want and then switch to not being totally sure, not gonna lie....kinda freeing. Because finally admitting you are lost is pretty much dropping what you had on...